Peace and Love

I know that many of you are still quit busy from the Christmas Season and in preperation for the New Year; however, I wanted to continue with my posts to keep you informed of my progress. I am still at the NIH recieving IV infusions of the antibiotic for my infection. They are bringing in a hyptnotist on Monday to see if there is a possibility to help get me out of here sooner.
I've never been to one ~ so, we shall see what happens. The antibiotics are required to run until Jan. 2 ~ so, it seems as though, I just may be spending the New Year here.
Ok ~ ok ~ I know that I shouldn't be complaining, I truly have had a wonderful opportunity at the gift of life with this treatment. All of your comments, thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are ALWAYS more than welcome! Thank YOU!
I know that there are still many of you waiting your opportunity at the gift of life as well. I keep so many in my thoughts and prayers. I have seen alot of heartache since I have been coming to the NIH, but I have also seen alot of miracles...
Dr. Rosenburg even stopped into my room the other day to say "hello" (which, I hear, is something that he does quit infrequently!) I'm a lucky one :)
I'm sorry to say, that there won't be alot of pics posted for awhile. I do so have alot of stored photos from my time and stay here; from a sweet sixteen to a tea party to Christmas Carolers, to Amy and her wonderful prescence and sooooo much more from many, I am blessed and grateful.
Clem, please tell you wife that I absolutely LOVE the blanket! I have used it everyday since I got it in the mail. I have loved and adored all gifts that have been bestowed upon me this holiday season. I have such a wonderful bunch of loving family, co-workers, and friends... even internet family!!! :) I couldn't have done all of this without YOU!!!
Keep the faith ~ Love with all your heart and all will be well. If there is one thing that I have truly learned from all of this... it is... that people truly do hold great compassion and love in there hearts for one another.
I can only hope to return the favor ten fold. I am looking forward to a positive outcome from this treatment... and then... I've given great thought about what to do with my life... and one thing is for sure... in some way, shape, or form, I will find a way to give back in life.

Thanks again, to ALL. Love one another and peace be with you.

My update!

Hello Everyone!

C'est moi, Becky!!!



I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

Unfortunately, it was a bit of a rough one for me, personally ~ I was extremely ill ~
I was supposed to be heading home today ~ but the docs are keeping me another week, until I can get all of the antibiotics in ~ I am having a very difficult time keeping them down by mouth ~ actually ~ it's been hard to keep much down at all ~ something that I've got to work on here this week.
I will be at the NIH for another week ~ yes, another long week. Although, the rough stuff is over!!! Alleliuh. Wow ~ what a treatment is all I can say. Although, the NIH is the best. They are so wonderful here. I don't remember much of the entire event (which, is fine by me!)
As soon as I can get these med's down and all the antibiotics are in... I'll be heading home. I'm ready. I'm really looking forward to getting well ~ the beach is beginning to call me home.
Unfortunatly, my cell phone does NOT work in here, at all. My room phone number is 301-451-2985. I'm in room 2628 on 3NW for one more week. Hopefully, I will be well enough to answer the phone should I be in the room.
I am supposed to try leaving and getting out a bit... to try and see how it goes on my own before I am released.

OK ~ just wanted to briefly update everyone ~ wish them a wonderful holiday season ~ and say Thank you soooo much for all the goodness that has been endowed upon me this season.
The cells are in me! and, I have a correction ~ 60 billion. The MOST that anyone has ever had grown and put back into them (imagine that) those little critters should be causiing great havock on those melanoma cells!!!! keep wishing me well.

Thank you all.
Love, Becky

Bald is Beautiful

Christmas at the NIH

3 days to go...

It's hard to believe that it is the Monday before Christmas... and all through the house, the stockings were hung, with wishes for all to be well.


I wanted to personally Thank several people... (please excuse me is I miss anyone)



Amy ~ Thank you from the bottom of my heart ~ for your wonderful kindness.. like my mom said "you are a part of the family!" ~ the sweet 16 cookie was a success ~ and I adore the hats and scarves! (whatever you need... whenver you need... we will be here for you too.)
Julie ~ Thank you also ~ for keeping up with my mom and my progress and my blog. You are a doll.
I recieved a wonderful care package from my family and friend at the mpip board/site ~ My picture is posted in my room with all of your names ~ and I am making good use of the warm winter hats!!!!
Kim Deitz ~ Thank you soooo very much for the lovely headbandwrap ! it is something different ! pretty cool, and neat! I've got to get myself some hoop earrings now to wear with it!!! I hope to buy some more after the Holidays!!!!!
Bob, Renee, and Clem ~ once again, I can not Thank you enough for the charitable donations ~ they are a blessing.
Mark Origer ~ I haven't forgotten about you... wow... what an experience. I'll say, it hit me hard ~ like a Mac truck, indeed. yes, indeed; but your care package and donation was so gracious :) Please Thank everyone at your station for me. Everyone loves the Postal Bear ~ he is sitting in my hospital room with all of my letters/cards that have been delievered with a Happy, Holly, Jolly, Santa hat!
To each and everyone of my family members and friends who have been by my side or taken the time to be by my side ~ regardless if I were only sick and sleeping ~ it still means alot to me. As well, to those at home ~ Todd, Thanks for looking after my house (ps... please make sure to keep out all flying bats) ~ inside joke: during my stay in the hospital in October squirells started coming into my home... it was like a wildlife refugee camp... and when you would try to shooo them away... they would fly at you (or so, I was told... pst... personally, I think something fishy might be going on around here!)

Ok ~ enough for one night ~ need to get my rest... long day ahead... ultrasound of the kidneys again... looking for infection of the stint, etc... and hopefully, my counts will be up... I'd like to go find a wig.

Enjoy your day.




ps....Johnny, hey, I tried to leave you a post and send a message... either the chemo has completely whipped me out or I am completely stupid!!! lol... either way, I'm glad to read that you are stable... you are right... stable is good ~ for us. We are still here, living strong, and fighting even stronger!!! I hope that you enjoy your Holiday Season. I am thinking of you :) ...waiting for more of your wonderful stories and pics.

Greg... no, no... I didn't forget you, how could I? never. Tracey either ~ please relay my greetings ~ and Holiday Cheer :)
I wanted to let you know that I am fighting. I am fighting this... with all I have. I hope that you can make the best of your season. Perhaps get in another visit to Canada? Please be sure to let your family know as well, that they are in my thoughts and prayers.



I send my Love,
Becky


~

4 more days...

it's hard to believe how fast time passes us by. I hope that everyone takes a few moments to reflect with great passion this year ~ on the love and warmth that they give, have, and radiate to all ; it means more than anything monetary. Take a few moments to just say "thanks" ~

I've thanked the Universerse for all that has been shown and given to me.


Enjoy the Holidays and Festivities!!! :)


******************************************
quick update: I am still neuatrapenic ~ and continue to wait and anticipate the growth of my cell counts.
Today I am being given 2 more units of blood transfusion. That will make a total of 6 blood transfussions and 3 white cell transfussions....
hopefully, my body will soon start to produce its own in mass!! Keep up the good thoughts, vibes, and prayers.

Love, Becky

If you could only listen...

oh ~ *sigh* ~ in the middle of the night, while your child, children, spouse, pet, or significant other lye lye less than 10 feet or so away... if you could only awaken yourself enough to listen to the sheer quietness... or the slight patter and rhthym of their heart beat. If you could only take that moment and hold it with you ~ before it enters the realm of long lost forgotten and unheard of composure's; you would find great magic abound.
Countless times I have sat and just watched my daughter lye still; her left arm always untucked from the comfort of her blanketing shield. The face; that baby doll face withthe same exact smalll protruding eyes, ears, and mouth. Skin so delicate and sweet you would swear that it weren't meant to be put on a Gerber's Life Insurance Policy or product.
"O" Oprah!!!! Santa Baby, don't you hurry down that chimmney tonight.

Life is peculiar in a nutshell.

I have serious been blessed by an angel in the heaven above our sky's ~ I have serious been been given many great talents and enchriching family and friends.

I am at this very moment awake in my hospital bed. The room is dancing with Christmas cheer. It brings glee to heart to show and post the kindness and generousity which has touched my spirit.


The mood is not meek, by any means. It is prosperous, desirous, and sweet.


I have endured some of the roughest treatments possible. It has felt like an entire old school rugby team came at me from every which direction ther can me. As many know, I'm a strong, stubborn, brave ass!!!


I have just about lost the majority of my hair ~ today, it was so stringy, that I finally asked my mother to cut it off ~ ear's length. It continues to fall; and I will continue the battle.

I remember way back when... I wrote a post asking whether bald is beautiful : and I am now pleased to inform you, that there is beauty in baldness :) without a doubt!!!

I'm hoping to start feeling well enough to leave the hopital on a day pass next week so that I may either find a wig or two ~ and some electrifying scarves with dangling earrings to boot!!!

Re-invention is fun! It's the mind which won't permitt, which feeds on the frenzy, to degate it's "political~sa"tire".


I have a whrilwind of thoughts ~ that I would like to express... but, let's just take it one step at a time.
Remember ~ The Power of: YOU is the only thing holding and stopping you dead in your tracks.
So, Get up and Re-Vive and Stay Alive!!!




I send all my love ~
(yes, I will still be at the NIH the week of Christmas. As of now ... my immune system is still whiped out; which means...that any little germ... could potentially be fatal)...



Thanks again, for avidly reading!
I send my love, Becky

(ps. I will send photos from here soon)

***************************

Hello everyone I heard that it is snowing back home and in many other parts ~Reno, Las Vegas... WOW
Please excuse my grammer and proper political awareness within my speech. I feel as though I have been big time old time rugby football. They just keep attacking me from every which way. I really finished my treatments last saturday... and I thought ~ WWO this wasn't as back as i thought i would be... but, no one, and i do mean mean... no one could prepare me for this.....

b right back....

nurse is here...

December 18

So I called tonight, and Becky herself answered the phone. She sounded very tired but it was good to speak to her. She said she had been sleeping around the clock the last couple of days and tomorrow they are going to give her some platelets.

She has made it through the treatment! It only gets better from here!

She did say her hair is starting to come out in clumps. Totally expected but still must be difficult to experience.

She is a determined one, our Becky is! Hanging in there.

Julie

December 16th

I wasn't able to reach Dee last evening, but just talked to her now. Becky is having a rough time, but it isn't unexpected. Lots of nausea and they sedated her this afternoon and she is sleeping. She did the 7 doses of IL2 and finished those on Sunday, so now she is recovering from all the treatments. And those treatments are really rough on your body.

Once her immune system gets up to a certain level, they will let her go home but she will still need to be careful for a while, Dee says it takes about six months before her immune system is back to normal. They don't expect to be able to go home until after Christmas. She should gradually start to feel better though, at least better then she is now!

She has received several blood transfusions and some platelets. Sounds like they are taking good care of her. Hopefully this phase won't last long.

I am sure she will be on here typing away before we know it!

Julie

Hospital Menu: "bauhm"...

ooop


there it is.... The National Cancer Institute has served me; and me alone, 60 million plus 4 white blood cells friday afterdaynoon! They were a think o f beauty ~ My research nursed let me hold them in the palm of my hand, much like a mother rocking and craddling her new born baby for the first time.
It was a great accoplishmenat and feet for many who were involved. The National Cancer Institute is wonderful The team of cell Doctor' and all who were involed made a very heart heartwarming card for us.
I t was so touching to actually see with pure clarity the pearlly colors of my cells. A tinkle was in my eye :) (if you can only imagine!)
Please keep your thougths and prayers and prayers on high alert for all of this... The Power of: you makes a grave difference.
Next weekend I will try and plan on having a "surprise sweet 16" party for her ~ nothing elaborate... it's an age of becomoing... and whether she realizes it of not... it is an age that through which many opstacles were given to her.
I continue to firmly believe that there is a greater purpose for the vision ~ and that someday, she to, will have here "ah, ha" moment.. in life.
Untill then, let's just celebrate a wonderful person, with the power and potiental for an extraordinary life :)

It's a dreary 10:30 pm at the NIH. The halls are all
but vacant, awaiting the dawn and anticipation of workds, a scurry and hutle ofd creativity.
And, As I sit down to take take my warmn winnters nap (pending the warm blankets that are on their way...) I am to reminded how this journey, or mine began

sorry now... getting light-headed and very tired... vomited quit a bit this eve... I believe that that discssion is ot qquit the main treamtmes.....ill keep you up to date asap love ya!
ps im have a great Chalie Brown Christmas!!! L) small tree wth ligths and presents...exciting///you've made my day :)

Over 60 Million Served!

Over 60 Million Served!

December 14th

Things continue to go well at NIH for Becky, great news! She has now completed 7 doses of IL2 following the administration of her cells on Friday and she felt well enough today to eat half of a BLT sandwich. She will continue to get the IL2 until her body says enough. She is hanging in there like the trouper we all know she is.

I understand she expects to post herself in the near future too. She writes so much more eloquently then I do! We will all be glad to have her back at the keyboard.

Julie

December 12

Becky has received her cells! She was given 60 billion of them at 1:30 this afternoon. Around 3:30 she received her first treatment of IL2 and is currently sleeping.

Work cells, work!

Becky, you are doing so well and what an inspiration for us all. All our prayers and thoughts are with you for a wonderful success story which I know you will share in the future with us here and on the MPIP. What an encouragement you will be to all those newly diagnosed!

Julie

December 10th

Becky continues to hold her own. She is still tired and got a transfusion today, which is a usual thing because of the chemo drugs she is on. She gets her last dose of the easier chemo tomorrow morning at 5 and will be all ready for the cells on Friday at about noon. Once she gets those she will start feeling really ill again, and even moreso once she starts the IL2 treatments after that. She gets as many of those as she can take and then it is a matter of waiting until her immune system kicks back in before she can go home, usually a couple of weeks or so.

You are getting there Becky! Things are moving along and you are fighting tough! Keep it up!

Julie

December 9th - Still Smiling

So I was a little worried last night when I couldn't reach anybody in Becky's room. Dee did write me tonight and I also talked to her after, Becky continues to do fine. She is still having a lot of problems with nausea but is more alert now and able to walk around a little bit. She is tired from not getting much sleep and the chemo. All is still a go for her getting the cells on Friday. Until then, she will receive the milder chemo each day.

Last night Dee had gone down to the craft room to make a sweatshirt for Becky. I didn't let the phone ring long not wanting to disturb Becky if she was sleeping. I figured somebody would pick up pretty quick if they were there.

Julie

December 7th

Hello: Made my nightly phone call and spoke with Dee, Becky's mom, tonight. Becky is having a rough time of it but nothing they don't expect. They just gave her the next IV of chemo, the easier kind. She has spent most of the day sleeping and being nauseous from the treatment last night, but that is to be expected. She is running a low grade fever and they have run some tests to check for infection.

They expect her to start feeling better tomorrow. The chemo she is on now is an easier one to tolerate. She should be feeling better the rest of this week, until she gets her cells on Friday.

On another note, today would have beeen Becca's 37th birthday. Becca and Becky did their IL2 together last February but unfortunately it didn't work for either of them. I know Becca really wanted to get back to NIH and do the TIL program that Becky is doing now, but she never made it. Much prayers and hopes that this will be the miracle that Becky needs to return to a normal life.

Julie

December 6th

I spoke to Becky's sister tonight. She had a rough night but that is to be expected since she is undergoing the difficult part of the chemo treatment. She got one treatment last night and was undergoing the second one tonight when I spoke with her sister. She has been sleeping a lot and had some nausea and hasn't been able to keep much down, but her vital signs are good and she is making it through. After today she will start a different chemo and should feel better while on that one, until she receives her cells next Friday the 12th. Then the rough part will start again.

We are all rooting for you Becky! You are getting there!

Julie

chemo is running through me now.....

today's thoughts, expressions, and views are being brought to you by ME! So much has been lost in translation... so much time has passed since I have written ~ as you can imagine, much was left unsaid. While in the midst of taking a "break ~ away" from cancer, I became ill for several days. Basically, I just lost alot of sleep time and was very week and too tired to truly want to do anything.
This past sunday evening at about 1 am ~ I began to vomitt profusely throughout the night. (a major concern considering I was attempting to gain weight for this treatmetl } I ended up in my local hopital's er ~ I had noticed that I had basically all but depleted my morhpine supply through excretions. The pain became so completely untolerable; which yields to further problems within the boday that began to spiral out of contrl. I was given 10 ml of IV morphine within a two hour spand *whick is basically a sign of just how bad my body was feeling without* severe pain leads to nausea...and then to vomitting... a vicous cycle. I was then given a shot of zophran (which helps to control the feelings of nasea)
I was then realised and send home. During which, at this point, I had lost about 5lbs. So, I called the NIH to find out what their plan of action was with this little set back. They said... get on that plane and we will take care of you... and we will find out what is wrong. All Ct and Mri scans came back basically the same : 1 expection, that tumour has grown slighly, but this was to be expected. The wonderful news, it has not been spread to any major organs.
In a very weak, light headed, and dizzy state, I took their advice and here I am.
Here I am 1 hour prior to my first chemo injections sitting on my bed, wrighting to you in grave anticipation, and frought with complete anxiety.
It is an hour long infusion ~ along with many any meds ~ to help stabalize the blader which will aid in getting the chemo out of my body. Lasix ~ to help get rid of a lot of water retention throught my body.

You'll have to excuse me, I was given antivan ~ its for anxiety and nausea ~ as well, the zophran is running again.
My thoughts may be a bit jungled, please bear with.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I did get my permanet port line put in my upper right chest ~ it is stitched to my colar bone and is realy hurting! crazy place for that! As well, I have an antinausea patch behind my ear, and a slew of other drugs that may be used just in case these don't. Also,,, I have recently started a pain medicine patch (natrually a narcotic) on my upper right arml~ it gets changed every 72 hours. It's much better than worrying about taking morphine orally by mouth every two...and given the crazy drowsey side effects... this Fentanyl patch works quit well.
The pain managment team has been in... they are going to order me a bracelet to wear ~ as well, a massage and massage therapy chair (to be used when I'm feeling much better)
The time is actually here. I have about 6 bags of stuff running through my poor little body!!!!
Cells are on a "go" status.
I've got to believe that this is the Big One. The one which will kick melanoma in its ass. I am ready to move on with my life~
Oh, I forgot to mention... Jacque from pain management wants me to interview his students/viceversa about bedside manners/mannersim... he is teaching Dr.s to not only treat the diseas but the human being as well. I completely agree!!! One good deed at a time.

You have all amazed me!!! Please forgive me a head of time ~ if I'm not feeling so wel to speak or converse for long periods of time.... I may be an on-looking... sharing the great effort. I sooo do look forward to meeting more of you and putting a face with a name.
ok hhavong a bit of trouble... may need to say my good-bye's for now...
You are all berry blessed and unique ~ Such wonderful people. Keep up your own fight ~ and hopefully someday I will be able to help return a favor. (lets hope it will be on a much better note!!!)

PS... I was wondering if anyone had any nice scarves that I may used? or catalogues online so that I may order some and have them shipped here to me... because I only two winter hats... (and that's not going to cut it~) lol...
I want to look pretty...oh, so pretty...
Take Care Love Becky

Good News! December 4

I just talked to Dee, Becky's mom, and Becky got good news today, her scans showed the melanoma has not spread beyond where it already was. I know she was so worried that it had spread into her brain with the headaches she was having. Anyway, she starts some medication this evening at 8 for her gallbladder,evidently this chemo is really rough on your gallbladder. Tomorrow the lab will check the cells to see if they are ready. If they are, the chemo will start, if not they may need another day or so.

Becky has been moved to a private room for the treatment. All systems are go and she will soon be off and kicking some major melanoma ***!

KMA Becky!

Julie

December 3rd

Hi! This is Julie, I am an e-mail friend of Becky's and hope to keep an update current on her progress at NIH. I just spoke to her mom and they are there. Becky is scheduled for tests today. They are both tired from the trip and the tests! I believe she has had her CT scan and is scheduled for an MRI later tonight. Tomorrow she is scheduled to get her port in.

An idea of mine to support Becky while she is there this month is to send her Christmas cards with a picture of you in it. They have a board they can post things up on and she can look up and see all the people who care about her. She had posted her address below. I have got to get my picture taken to send to her myself!

Much love, prayers and support headed your way, Becky!

Julie

Head Wraps and Jewels

I wasn't even sure that I was going to post today ~ Over the course of the past several days, I have had alot on my mind ~ and my subconsious is not make matters any better for that matter! I feel as though I am carrying a small tumour baby around with me ~ it's crazy. It's such an odd feeling. I am having alot of pressure ~ much similiar to when you are carrying a baby who is laying on your bladder, numbness, and varying pain.
I have been trying to keep myself as relaxed as possible and as stress free as possible. Yes, I have been running from stress for the past several months. I do not have the time or energy to allow my mind or body to dwell on and subcomb to potential dangers.
Overall, I believe that I have been making alot of improvements ~ for the good, naturally, in my life. I have been reading how stress and your environment can seriously effect your body and its ability to fight off disease and illness. I have also read that meditation can help clear the mind and "de-toxify" the body.
Without a doubt, I am in a much better place ~ locality, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically, speaking. I feel alive and well. It is a great feeling.
I am trying not to let the thoughts of next week creep up upon me. It seems as though my senses and emotions are extremely hightened at this time. Some of the littlest and simpliest things cause tears to swell.
I am doing my best to think about the "here and now" ~ my sister made a great point; that December is not here yet, to enjoy what I have now ~ to live in the moment ~ not two weeks away.
I was watching Oprah the other day and she had a show on about women and beauty around the world. I really enjoyed the piece about the women and men who shaved their heads and offered their hair to the gods, it was considered a great honor. I as well, really liked many of the colorful wraps that the Eastern women wore around their heads and the jewels in the middle of the forehead.
I honestly think, that I may try to look into this. In all honesty, their faces looked beautiful. I would love to get some of the wonderful colorful head wraps and jewels ~ if anyone has any suggestions or knows anyone who may be able to help, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.
I keep asking God to give me the strength to make it through this treatment. As well, I ask that this treatment give me hope. If the treatment does not work, there is very little beyond that that can be done ~ I was told that surgeries may be an option ~ but only as a means to help cut out some of the growth of the tumour. As well, there may be other treatment options to try ~ but overall, this is the only one with the greatest chance/s of working.
Regardless of the outcome ~ I am forever grateful for the lessons that I have been learning in my life and the experiences that I have been granted. They have been lifesavers.

Spirit Flys...

This was the exerpt from a piece that I just posted on the Mpip family bulletin and post. Someone named Santa had asked me if it would be alright to send small gifts or flowers to the NIH during Christmas ~ and many ohthers wished me well while mentioning that I had great spirit.


Hello all my wonderful Mpip family and friends!!!




I am gearing up to kick melanoma's ass!!!

This is for all our past warriors ~ angels in the heaven and sky. They have given me unwavering strength and courage to fight on ~ I take with me the spirit that flys high from above from all your lost loves ~ I plan on fighting this damn beast ~ and winning in their honour!
For Becca especially ~ this time will remind me of our Il-2 experience at the NIH and the cheers that you all gave "the IL-2 Queens" ~ I will never forget.

PS
Dear Santa ~
Remember how exciting it was to write your letter to Santa when you were a young kid? The sheer anticipation of his arrival with your gifts, left under the Christmas tree to be open by your avail and surprise?
What a glorious time in life. Childlike dreams of a man who brought cheer and joy to a season filled with laughter and love.
Even though I am now an older adult the child within me still screams to write to Santa. My letter to Santa this year will not be to yield presents of fine galoure.
What I ask this year from Santa ~ is for an understanding of peace. For my family to realize that as I struggle throughout these years for my life and time that solace has filled the air.
I would love nothing more than for my family to deeply understand and appreciate the grandeur picture; that it is not always the fight that counts.
It is the grattitude that I have towards them for helping me ~ helping me to pull myself through many difficult days, months, and weeks. For all of the struggles that I have overcome ~ I could not have done it without you.
Even though, many times ~ you may not feel or see the love or appreciation ~ it is unconditionally there.
I would like Santa's gift to be that of one of peace ~ to be brought to my family ~ regardless of the outcome of this upcoming procedure.
I know that in many ways ~ these years have been tough on many in so many different ways ~ but I need everyone to know ~ that the part that you played ~ has made a significant difference.
Naturally, my attitude and emotions have been severely affected by the onsight of all the drama that comes along with batttling a fight agains cancer. It is a beast ~ sent out to destroy.
My letter to Santa merely asks for knowledge of comfort. Of course, I would be lying if I didn't mention that I would like Santa to give me strong battling melanoma warrior cells!!! (go kick ass!!!) Santa,
Give me the finest ass kickin' battling melanoma war battling anti cancer fighting cells ~ the best of the best ~ let's hit them with our best shot ~ our very own artilerary!!!
Let's all learn to appreciate that the part that we played in the battle was of great significance. Everyone ~ and I do mean everyone ~ played a role in helping me gain the wisdom, experience, knowledge, courage, and spirit to look cancer straight on... and say: "go ahead an take me" ~ you don't scare me. I believe that looking straight at death ~ and learning not to be afraid of it ~ has been the best thing that has come of this journey. It has forever changed my life and perspective on life.
So Santa ~ gather all of your flying spirits and give me their sheer strength, determination, and will.

PS ~
HO! HO! HO! I almost forgot to mention!!! Absolutely!!! Feel free to send anything that you would like to the NIH ~ if I am unable to have it in the room during my chemo I will just have my mom take it to her room or have the nurses put it on the station desk until I am able to put it in my room.
Basically, I was told that there shouldn't be a problem and that I may even put a tree in my room if I would like. I truly hope to have my room decorated for Christmas... it would make it seem that much for cheerful, joyful, and spirited!!!

Thanks for waiting...

I'm sorry that it has been a bit since I have posted ~ but, I do Thank you all for your unwavering concern and support. Pre-chemo/TIL treatments I decided to "take a break" from cancer. I wanted to steer clear; stay as far away from the thoughts and emotions related to my upcoming experience.
I had several days which were to say the least, very rough ~ I'm not completely sure what the reason but I honestly do believe that the underlying problem was the fact that I tried to and decided to quit the morphine pain med's ~ cold turkey. I felt like crap ~ complete crap to be honest with you. Another one of those times when I had wished that I were dead.
I have been having quit a few of those days ~ which makes the surrealism of this entire journey all that more real. Indeed, the time has come to inform you that my the wheels are in motion. The NIH has called me and I am to start my journey with the TIL on December 3.
To say that I am scared ~ is a complete understatement. My mother has asked me if I am ready, she has said that she is. My truthful answer "no". How can someone ever be ready for such a harsh and toxic chemical treatment with side-effects that range all the way to death?
She then proceeded to mention my alternative: the inevitable with cancer: death.
Plain and simply, my answer; I am at peace, ready and prepared. I am no longer fearful of death and the taboo that our society has infringed and ingrained upon us about this topic.
I have come to peace with many issues in my life lately ~ which is what this time "out-away" was meant for and all about. Personal and interpersonal issues which I would like to address and resolve.
What saddens me the most, is that I will not have my "other half" by my side. I feel that it would be soooo much easier if I had a love in my life. I have longed for love throughout this entire journey and I know how difficult it is/must be for anyone to truly get involved with me.
Although, I do not completely understand... I try to. One of my downfalls is Love. This is the longest that I have went without. This is the longest and first time in my life that I have been given the opportunity to think about what I want. What I want for myself. Is it lonely? Absolutely. Do I want to share my life with someone ~ unequivacably, yes; without a doubt in my mind or heart.
For now, I will continue to stay strong and headfast on my own two feet. Cancer has taught me many things. I am learning how positive thought can influence your every need.
I have always been an optimist, that will never change. As Sir Winston Churchill stated: "I aman optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." I have always looked for the good in everything that surrounds me and now, for the first time, I am looking at myself; for the good that comes from within. I have alot to offer. We all do. Alot of good qualities ~ that are just beginning to be "tapped" into.
For the first time in my entire life ~ I am at peace. I am relaxed and at one with myself, nature, and the life that has been given to me.
I have finally come to realize that morphine and pain med's are needed to help control this disease, the tumours which are growing inside of me. It has been a very difficult path to walk along.
Most recently, I have found another larger lump in my right leg ~ which is undoubtably another tumour mass. As well, I have been having some pains in my brain ~ in three identified spots. It never gets any easier.
It is hard for others to believe or understand that just because I already have cancer that it is any easier to continue to find a new tumour... one after another; especially when you get rid of one and then another appears.
It is extremely discouraging, upsetting, and disappointing. Just as I have begun to embrace the fact that one tumour has been removed ~ another sets in in sheer dismial.
I understand that this treatment could "potential" be a cure ~ and for that matter, it is the only reason that I am taking the risk. As I have mentioned earlier ~ I am at peace with my death. There have already been many times when I had wished that I would no longer suffer and have wished for the bright lights at the end.
Culturally, the subject of death is not handled so well, it is treated as something "taboo", much like the issue of aging. I can honestly say, that I often look at elder's and think... I may never get the chance to experience the grace and wisdom that comes with aging. I may never get to experience gray hair and wrinkles back ache and pain! (lol... not that I haven't already experienced that) :)
Regardless, this is my journey~ through my youth and I have been very grateful to have experienced and shared it with you.
Now, onto the "reality" ~ which I have been avoiding throughout this post.
My tenative itinerary for December (pending there are no brain mets or other problems/complications)
It all begins on December 3. I fly out at 6 am to Baltimore. I am to be admitted to the NIH and have my bloodwork completed by 2. I have a ct scan at 3 and an mri at 7.
December 4. I am to have a very large and permanent catheder put into a vein in my chest which runs to my heart for all of the IV meds.
December 5-6. I will start my first bouts of chemo. Cytoxen. Which I was told is an extremely rough one. I will have anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids to help the bladder work properly. I will be asked to awaken every 2 hours to urinate ~ so that I may be watched for any infections or problems that may arise.
I was told that I will NOT be sleeping at all during this treatment and that is was going to be a rough one.
December 7. I will start another chemo called 5FU or flubedamen. This will been given over the course of the next five days. As the days begin to progress, I was told that I will begin to feel better and that I may even be well enough to get a day pass to leave the hospital to go out to eat or get a wig if I feel up to it.
December 12. My Cells will be given to me at noon. It is a one time 20 minute process, which is the heart and soul of this procedure ~ it is what will be the determining factor ~
it will as well, be another rough day.
but, I pray... that my cells are now working hard for this day. I pray that they are the cure, the miracle answer.
Two hours after this procedure, I will be given the IL-2. I was told that initially, it will not be as difficult to tolerate as before ~ simply because my immune system will be completely out ~ and it will not be trying to fight anything. Eventually, as it begins to reckognize my cells ~ I will have the same side-effects as I did before when I took this treatment.
Alone, this treatments was rough ~ I can't imagine... combined, how my body will tolerate all of this. I will keep up the positive thoughts and vibes ~
I continue to welcome your throughts and prayers ~ the power of one multiplied ~ has an expansive effect.
I will most definately be at the NIH on Christmas Day. I will not be able to be released until after Christmas, regardless of the outcome. This will be a Christmas to remember.
I do sooo much welcome any visitors, phone calls, cards, etc. It honestly will keep me going. I will have a notepad by the phone so that, if a nurse or someone is near ~ then can take a message or at least write down who has called.
The address of the NIH: (and my wonderful nurse correspondent, Kathleen Morton)
National Cancer Institute
c/o Kathleen Morton
Building 10-CRC, 3-1730
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

or

National Cancer Institute
Patient Mail 3NW
Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

the phone number to the nurses station to ask about me or get my room number and room phone number: 301-451-0789
You may call anytime day or night 24 hours a day. Someone is always there and more than likely, I will be be up at all/varying hours of the day and night.

I hope that I have covered it all. I hope that I haven't forgotten anything, but, I am sure that I probably have. For now ~ I leave you with the thought, that I am doing well ~ a little emotionally upset and scared to death ~ but, I am working on stay completely relaxed... focused, positive, and strong.
I hope that you too ~ are doing well. Have courage and continue to cultivate an openness and awareness to yourself and new things.

I loved this one:
"Masquearading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"~ anonymous.

take care my friends ~ Love, Becky. I will always be apart of your life; heart and soul.

The attraction.

I have just begun to read the book entitled: "The Secret", which explicitly states that "we're all working with one power. One law. It's attraction! The Secret is the law of attraction. You can see the law of attraction everywhere. You draw everything to yourself. The people, ... your whole life is a manifestation of the thoughts that go on in your head".

We are all constantly drawing attraction to oursleves through ourselves and I am happy to say that I have most definately attracted and drawn some of the greatest human beings, which I call friends into my life.
You have all been such a wonderful group of support. Your thoughts, words, prayers, and comfort guide me daily throughout me journey. I would not be here, without you ~ and that, is not an understatement.
From the very beginning, when I found and attracted Amy Bushby, Carver, Becca, Greg, and Tracey, I found Hope, Belief, and Faith within the human spirit ~
it's called kindness. It has grown ten fold up until this point and I hope that at some point within my lifetime, I will be able to reciprocate and coney the appreciation that is due.
To all who are considering a visit to the NIH in the month of December ~ I sincerely look forward to meeting YOU. I know that many have asked about the visiting hours, directions, and many other questions. To the best of my knowledge, they do have visiting hours similar to that of a hospital. I will leave the number to nurses station desk on 3NW so that you may call with any/all of your questions/concerns. I will also give you the address for your directional purposes and for those of you who will not be able to make the trip ~ just in case you would like to send a Special Holiday Greeting Card.
I have asked if I may decorate my room for the Holidays and much is dependant upon how I am feeling. It seems logical that during the chemo dosing (the first several days) I will not be able to have much in the room. I am gearing up!!!
The aphoresis went well! The Doctor said that the amount of cells that they recieved from the procedure should help my lab cells grow in the millions!!! (yeah!!! let's keep up the faith ~ good killer cells ~ take over and grow!!!)
As well, my sister has informed me, that we may be able to go to New York ~ to get our hair cut and donated to locks of love. The guy on the show "What not to wear" apparently has offered his servies to us for free. I was very excited and touched to hear this. I am hoping that she will be able to make this a reality.
I have been surrounded by some very wonderful and special people in my life. I could not have done this or gotten to this point in my life without them. I can never say enough ~ to show my sincerity ~ to all. The law of attraction simply does work.
At this very moment, my sister and her husband's side of the family are gathered around to say their last farewells to a lovely lady, who battled cancer as well. My brother-in-law's mother and family have been told that it has come time for her to depart.
I am saddened for my brother-in-law and his family. This disease takes a great deal out not only on the cancer patient but the family and friends as well. At this very moment all of my thoughts and prayers go out to his mother and circle of family and friends.
Please keep all in mind ~ who battle ~ and all those who support the will to live and the incredulous fight.

~"celebrate the good feelings...emotions are an incredible gift"~

Mission Accomplished!

All I can say is "what a day"! I am very tired but trying my best to hold out until later this evening. I have once again been overwhelmed by the events of the day. It's exhausting work ~ staying in the hospital! (lol...)
BRight and early at 6 am I was taken to the unit to put a catheder in my femural artery. I was once again given sedative medicine. The Doctor was so funny... he told me to trust him that the medicine was good stuff... he has taken it once or twice! Such crazy Doctor's here ~ yet, they are extremely competent. I don't even think that I had gotten to sleep by the time he was finished with the procedure.
This was my first time for this particular procedure and it was quit similiar to the stint placement. I would imagine that I should be ready next month for my pic line placement. They are going to put it in my shoulder and run it to my heart.
I have been given so many details and facts about next months treatment. I was told that I will be able to get a wig while I was here and that I probably wouldn't loose my hair right away. They also have a barber who will come up to your room to shave/cut your hair when you are ready.
They have discussed all aspects of the treatment and possible side effects with me. I will be monitered quit well. As for the aphoresis this morning, all went well. My blood was taken out and re-circulated into my body 5 times. They got a nice amount of cells which I am very happy about. It was discomforting and I had much pain from the tumor because I did not have my am meds. However, the med's are now in me and I finally got some food in my stomach.
I wanted to get word out so that everyone would know that all went well. I just need to keep an eye on the vein to make sure that it clots properly. They didn't stitch it up ~ just compressed it. This will be something to keep my eye on.
Well, I am still a bit dizzy and tired so I will try to get a cat nap in. I hope that everyone has a nice weekend.
Before I end this post ~ on an afterthought, I wanted to inform you of Simon's passing. If you were following his posts at cancerjournal ~ he is from England ~ and battled bravely. You may link to him from my site and send your condolences. Yet another great melanoma warrior lost.
Take Care
I send my Love,
Becky

The Power of: YOU... shines through.

Thank you all for your wonderful posts :)

Your spirit shines through...

You have all been such a great "cheer-squad"! Although there has been much pain recently ~ you held steadfast and strong. It means a great deal to me and I want to take the time to Thank you ~ in all sincerity.

I have had alot on my mind lately, since the news ~ that I would be spending Christmas at the NIH. I was thinking... "Chemo for Christmas"
what a gift, but, I know that there is an underlying and greater gift ~ of life ~ if this treatment works. I am praying for my miracle ~ my cure.
This treatment is extremely important, as many of you are aware. It is basically the only treatment with a 50-50 chance... other treatments are 20% at best.
I'm not going to let the numbers, figures, and stats interfere with my path, course, and regiment. I am here, now, at the NIH. They have taken my bloodwork ~ and in the early am I will have my aphoresis. I am still waiting to see the Dr. this evening as I have many questions and concerns.
It is hard to believe that I will be here for the entire month of December. I have asked everyone to please help decorate my room ~ for Christmas. I want it to be a "feastavous miracle" ~ I want Christmas spirit and cheer all around. My mom has informed me that she is going to bake christmas cookies at the lodge. She plans on giving them out to everyone!!!
It will most definately be a different kind of Christmas ~ one to be remembered. It will also be my daughter's sweet 16. Her and I are both saddened by the fact that we won't be able to be together to celebrate this day. However, I did tell her, that I plan on fighting this so that we may share her 16th and my 40th birthday ~ together.
She woke up in the middle of the night, several nights ago... and send me this message:
she opened her eyes
and was on a cloud
a man appeared
and said aloud
you've lived a life
once so beautiful
yet so strong
take my hand
no fear allowed
no tears to shred
or pain to feel
just love and happiness
for all eternity
while many on earth
may cry and shout
you shall be safe
from all no doubt
for you are here
to be adored
by all you see
now through eternity
withoug a doubt
your always fighting
and I love you for that
stay who you are
not just for me
but for god you'll see
we love you for who you are
that woman you are
that mother you are
that beautiful soul
and loving heart
no matter what
you will always be
~My Mother~
~I Love You~
prayin 4 her

We have sat and discussed many of our fears. We have had many quiet and emotional moments. She remembered a time, when she was younger, when I got sick and she took care of me ~ she feed me grapes. For some odd reason, both of us remember and cheerish some of the simpliest days. I assured her that she could come be by my side at the NIH during her Christmas break... and that she could once again, come feed me those grapes.

It's odd how, in one's life, some of the greatest pleasures have come from remedial things. Pleasure and joy ~ simply can not be bought. Throughout the course of this journey, I have completely learned ~ that even though money is a necessity to live ~ it is not what ultimately buys us happiness. It's not that I really ever believed this theory ~ but, I can see how ~ during certain courses and periods of time, within my life ~ I thought and believed ~ I had a greater financial need. I wanted money ~ to make me happy. I'm not sure when and where I tended to stray... just a little bit ~ off the beaten path ~ but, in all honesty... I have been happy ~ without.
It's what you make of yourself and life ~ that truly counts and memories are not something that can be bought. Finding the greatest of pleasure in the people who surround you ~ now that ~ is truly worth far more than gold itself.

Let yourself shine through in all that you do.

NIH NEWS...

Ok ~ Cheering and applauding ~ now allowed!!! It's official: my cells are growing in the lab and actively fighting the melanoma!!! Way to go! :)

So, I won't have much time. I will be flying out to Bethesda this Thursday so that early Friday a.m. I will be able to do my aphresis. This procedures usually takes about 4 hours for me (my veins never co-operate!).
I will then return home for about 2 weeks, at which time, I am hoping to spend some time ~ solo ~ to find my Zen ~ peace ~ before the TIL treatment starts.
I will be scheduled to start the TIL at the beginning of December, right after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it looks as though I may be at the NIH during/throughout Christmas.
It's going to be rough... but, my fellow assured me that on the onset of any problems, they will stop the procedure. I will also, most definately loose all of my hair (which, I was already well aware of). She said that basically the first several days of chemo were rough to tolerate... but, I won't let my mind go there, right now.
I will leave the address for the NIH ~ all well wishes will greatly be appreciated.
I'm not sure who, if anyone will be able to keep up with my posts here... I will do my best to find someone.
The National Cancer Institue
c/o Suzanne Inchauste, M.D. for Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Building 10, Floor 3NW
Bethesda, MD 20892

Pray that this is the miracle cure! Thank you Mark Origer for your wishes and thoughts ~ I am so happy for your continued NED status! Mark is one of the first to be cancer free from the TIL treatment at the NIH. He continues to stay in contact and send's his thoughts, prayers, and support as so many of you do.
Thank You All
My Best,
Becky

Going Beyond

Going Beyond ~ Maya Image


Inherent in the nature of humans is the desire to improve and better ourselves. This process of going beyond our current limitations is often referred to as “self transcendence.” Self Transcendence can apply to any aspect of our being; the physical self transcendence of running faster; the mental self transcendence of going beyond our purely egoistic thinking.

However at the heart of self transcendence is a spiritual concept that we are growing into a more illumining nature and gaining a wider perspective of our true self.

Self transcendence is not competing with others. Self transcendence is a personal journey of self discovery. To practise self transcendence we need personal effort, willingness to change. However self transcendence needs to involve an awareness that our success doesn’t just involve our “little I”, but also the universal self (or bigger “I”).

Spiritual seekers have experienced self transcendence as the grace that allows them to be aware of the infinite consciousness of inner delight. In this spiritual self transcendence the different religions and spiritual practises converge on the common teaching of going beyond the limitations of the ego and being aware of our higher Source. This Higher Self is called by many different names, but ultimately is beyond any metaphysical concept.

The practise of Self transcendence is not limited to those who are overtly religious. Any human being who strives for greater perfection and a higher perspective is practising a form of self transcendence, and it is this self transcendence that gives us joy.


********************************************
I recently sent a message to a friend while I was in the hospital stating my belief and need for the mental transcendence and attainment of the concept of "going beyond". Naturally, the response was: "what? what?" So, you see, how could I explain this phenomenom that I was experiencing late one evening, in which I was trying to save and share. I have strong convictions and beliefs that we are capable in far greater things empowered by the Power of: YOU. (Thank You Amy, for re-enlighting me!)
I couldn't have stated it any better than this post. Our egotic states of mind often take over and proceed. However, I can attest that there is great joy in the transcendence. It's a matter of self will.
I am often at a lose for words and articulation when random jumbled thoughts enter my mind. I often was afraid of ridicule or misunderstanding ~ but, no longer. This journal ~ the bloggings of my infinite mind, body, and soul... are but a simple reflection of me.
I can only hope that you can find it within yourself to go beyond all boundaries... to find your true self... the one that is encapsled within the egotic state of being. It takes alot of introspection... to see your outward self... for the role it is and plays... and to openly see the true self from within. YOU will be amazed.

Not feeling well... once again.

I briefly wanted to post ~ I know that many follow... and I am sure that it is the great reflection of honesty that many appreciated. No one ever said that living with cancer was going to be easy. You take the good with the bad. Perhaps I spoke to soon with my overwhelming joy for life ~ but whatever it may have been, I am glad to have had the weekend.
I woke up bright and early sunday with the time change ready to challenge the world. I showered, got dressed, and put my make-up on to help me feel pretty. I realized that it was much too early on a sunday for any store to be open, imparticularily, Borders. I was hoping to find some inspirational books on cancer, but instead found myself heading back to bed, buried deep beneaht the covers with the electric heater on.
As the day proceeded, I continued not to feel so well. Chills, diahrrea, nausea... and the leg where many of my tumor were taken out, has become increasingly sore. As well, the medicine's are not subsiding the crazy random sharp and grabbing pains where the major tumor lies in the pelvis.
While I was in the hospital my oncologist wanted to do an MRI of the brain. I refused this test for several days. I honestly was in no shape primarily to lie in a box for that length of time ~ but, on the other token, I'd imagine specifically, I was in no shape, to honestly find out if the dreaded had happened.
I was having a rough enough time dealing with the week as it was and my onc's comment that "I was slowly going downhill" did not help the situation. Perhaps it was that I did nor, do not want to know. The problem is... I am having some slight grabbing/throbbing pains in the same spot on the left side of my head ~ above the ear.
I really don't want to think about all of this right now. The NIH is supposed to call me Monday ~ to let me know if my cells are killing the active melanoma. I sure do hope so ~ I'm not sure what other treatment is left for me. I'm starting to become quit scared ~ of the capability of this tumor ~ and of spread. Although I am scared to death of the TIL ~ the damage that this tumor may be causing by now, are becoming of a far greater concern.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I am. I don't know what is going on inside of my body... and I have absolutely no control at this moment. I am at the mercy of the NIH and my cells. If this treatment can help me... I am surely, because of recent events, gearing up for it... more and more.
If I hear any news today ~ I will post ~ most definately.
I hope that today brings upon a better day.
Take care my friends.
Becky

Enjoying Life...

A great friend of mine, someone who is near and dear, helped make this weekend very special for me. The weather was delightful ~ just enough so, to go out. I was taken shopping and to my absolute all time favorite Italian Restaraunt, Carrabba's.
To say that I have a love for their food, would be a complete understatement. With each bite there is sheer exquisite joy. "There is no loe more sincere than the love of food". It temps my taste pallate and invites a spectacular flare to the tongue.
I have always been a pasta, meat, and potato lover. Carrabba's takes it several steps beyond. While sitting at the bar, where you can watch them cook an amazing amount of food on a friday or saturday evening, you can't help but be intrigued. I've visited often enough, and become quit the regular that I recieve many free samples of food to tempt my buds. The manager came to say "hello" and wondered where I had been. The situation was briefly explained and it was with great and deep understanding that he compted the next dinning experience. I will, without a doubt, be looking forward to that!
My all time favorites at Carrabba's are the oil and spice's for the bread, the taglarini, the cavatappi, the garlic mashed potato, and the sirlon marsala with extra sauce. Then, to top it off, for desert, I order the vanilla ice-cream with hot fudge and the baked cinnamon pecans.
Usually, I would have a caraffee of wine with my meal. However, at this time, I stuck with water and ice tea.
The food was divine. The leftovers were that much better. It set the beautiful weekend in perpetual motion. I am once again... enjoying life... and Living.
You can not believe how extremely appreciative I have now become of some of the simpliest pleasures. To truly, fully engage in the ultimate pleasure of food... is love.
I hope that you and do, take the time, to enjoy some of the more simplier things in your life... that perhaps you usually have taken for granted. I know I have. I frequented Carrabba's weekly at one point in my life, pre-cancer. This weekend, however, it was no longer, a luxury, that once took for granted...
Such simple joy... in learning to live.
So, next time, you find yourself... doing whatever it is, that you love... take a few moments, to reflect upon the blessing that has been bestowed.
Have a wonderful Monday, my friends! :)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

It's an absolutely beautiful Ohio fall day! It's 66 degrees and sunny :)

The leaves on the trees here are amazing, simply breathtaking. The sun brings about great happiness and warmth. I plan on enjoying it, while it lasts! Hope you like the photo's! Happy Halloween!! Enjoy your weekend!

Let's Celebrate!

Another week gone, lost to the world of medical realm. It's often a slight challenge to get yourself used to a life and world that must permiate around medical attention and treatment. In and out of hospital's ~ on a whim, or often without prior notice, or very little notice at all.
My world is unlike any that I had ever expected to experience nor that I had ever thought that I would be experiencing. There is no guide book or rule's that help you deal with the constant struggles and changes in your life style. One minute you are feeling well, on top of the world; and the next, you are sicker than crap with your head in the toilet!
I've come to completely appreciate the finer side of life. And, although, when I do get to "come back" to "reality" I have a slight adjustment to make ~ with constant worries about the next "episode", I do the best I can ~ to make the most of what time I have.
My days and nights are all mixed up. I no longer work on a set schedule. My body is fighting a battle 24/7 ~ and often times, it just needs to rest, when IT says rest. I take the good moments with the bad, and vice versa, you see. I take upon NO pity. Ok... yeah, yeah.. sure, I have my incredible lapses and moments or reason ~ when I wonder why this life was given/chosen for me. But, overall, what has befallen and been bestowed upon me, has ultimatley helped grace me. It has given me strength in the eye's of adversity, and permitted my weakness, in times of need.
It's hard to believe, as I sit here now, finally at home on my living room couch, that I am a cancer patient, fighting ~ FIGHTING ~ for my LIFE. For me. Ok, I know, it's not that I am selfish; yes, I do this for many other greater reasons. For one, a wonderful daughter, who has been through the emotional brink that could cause any teenager great destruction.
She has held up tremendously well throughout these years. She is a strong girl and I would like to think that I had some role to play in that part! A girl who once knew a life with a family full of stability ~ has now come to know a world ~ and life, completely on her own. Through adversity, grows strength of character, and indeed, hers shines through.
My immediate family, which I am sure is mixed with ferver and emotion ~ constantly elicites dediction. There is never any falter or wavering. My mother has taken on the task ~ of not only grandmother ~ but, of "mom" in-situ and my aunt is "on-call" at a moments notice. My sister has so graciously extended a great life ~ for my daughter if I shall proceed ~ to death sooner than can be.
My friends ~ not only the friends that are nearest and dearest to me, but my online community ~ which has given me great time in the onset of diversity. Without this forum and realm and your continued loyalty ~ to read ~ I would be "lost" ~ indeed. My blogging journal has become a great mental aide. It has helped me learn to articulate thought without worry of reprocution ~ it has shown me, that regardless of the nature, of being; I can truly be me.
It is beginning to come in full focus. When I first started this blog, it had no rhymn or reason ~ but, justly so, I do now believe ~ that I have tapped into the glory of kindness from YOU ~ and for all to see.
I still can't believe... that I am sitting here at home, with a tumor mass which continous to grow in my pelvis, that continues to cause much pain. A tumor inside me. I now know that it is there. I can most certainly "feel" it whithin side me.
It is scary, knowing, that it is wrapped around so many major veins and nerves ~ I often wonder what other havick this craZy tumor will soon cause for me. But, I will not let worries overcome me.
I will take my pain med's and do the best I can... to live ~ normally.
It's funny how, today, while I was speaking with the lady in the room next to me ~ how much we tended to agree. On the outside ~ at this very moment ~ there is an excitment and stir for this years political race. One of the greatest in recent history. In the meanwhile ~ this great race, is lost to all the souls who are so desperately, fighting; fighting to hold on and save their lives, so vividly.
We, yes, are weak. We have our times and moments when we just need to grieve. We often get tired of hearing all the cheers and gibes of "Hope and Believe". It's an underlying concept of perceptual thought for all cancer patients. Now, don't get me wrong, we truly do love your support, but we often ask, that you simply understand: that to take a bad day as a grain of salt ~ is no easier than putting that grain of salt in an open wound.
So, yes, now that I am home ~ I will begin to take it slow, before I begin to "celebrate" the life that was given to me. I can't help but keep thinking ~ of my upcoming 40th birthday... it is supposed to be a great one time day ~ an ordeal of many sorts ~ and yet, I can't just but help praying to believe that I will be able simple to just be ~ ALIVE and well enough to enjoy the day ~ of all days.
For now ~ "Let's Celebrate" Life ~ let's take one day at a time ~ and give with goodness at heart and forgive with a graceness of someone not in need.
Good day/night my friends, you are forever with me.

Lights out number 7???

Hello All! Ok ~ before I begin... LOL... I've got to remind you that I am sitting in the hospital bed with several different medical prescriptions in loop! :) ~ please excuse any unneccesary rambling, mispelled words, or strayed thoughts! Let's proceed!
I must say... I truly missed journaling throughout this week... I'm not sure what you may have got ~ it was a rough one indeed. I've got ALOT to say, once again, so this will be a long one... so, put on your slippers or take off your shoes... grab a nice cup of warm java... and let's get her started.

I wrote this last night at about 3 am while on a bout of a 22 hour "all nighter" ~ I'm not sure what drugs they are giving me here, but... I must say... crazy induced states of mind... have come my way :)

*The sixth floor of Aultman Hospital is my safe haven. One of my home away from hone's. Although, I must say, I am becoming quit accustomed to return and repeat trips to the local ER. I've come to realize that the "excrutiating" pain is a metamorphisis or catalyst which is triggered by a far greater "enigma"; as Dr. Krauss and many of my other referrals which include my oncologist, infectious disease team, urologist, and pathologist, tend to agree to disagree and conquer.
There was no solid evidence this time for the events which took place throughout the week. I became known simply, as, the "enigma". A medical mystery.
At the onset, I entered the ER with extreme pain in my right back and a slight reflection starting in my left back and a slight reflection starting on the opposing side. Without a doubt in my mind, it was my kidney. As well, there was blood present in my urine. A ct scan was perfomed and an additional ultra sound was ordered. Without a doubt my kidney was holding urine. Dr. Kraus did not believe that after such a short period of a time from the recent stint placement that it was possible to be blocked or misplaced. All scans confirmed his thoughts. The bloodwork had increased in levels of kreatin throughout the week; which basically means that this is evidence the kideny wasn't draining properly. However, I was urinating quite well. The primary urine tests initially showed infection/bacteria.
The first night at the er was a disaster! A spawn that set the week to spin uncontrollably into chaos.
I informed the er that I had just taken some morphine and had a lydacain patch on my back, an anesthetic used to help eliviate pain. I was then administred a drug 2xs more powerful called dilatin (ps... my spellings of all med's are basically, probably wrong.. sorry, please bear with me) I was then given shortly after a second injection of the same pain med. The pain was subsiding but not well enough to convince the er doc on call. I was then given "fergusen" which is used as an antinausea with a sedative property. As it was slowly being explained to me while it was being put through my iv line... I no sooner heard these words "sedative"... and it was "lights out". My momsaid that I was released from the er and sent home with a prescription fro antibiotics. However, I was in absolutely NO condition to respond to her attempts to get me dressed and get me home. Home, which ideally is only 1 block from the hospital. Convienent at times indeed. Regardless, this was a task in and of itself from my mom. She said I was unresponsive and my legs were dead weight; she equated me that evening to a woman who was on a great drunken binge for the night.
(She is soooo modest when writing her posts)
After much effort, she got me dresed and put in a wheelchair. It was apparently a cold, rainy night (which at this point I was completely oblivious too!) She had to leave me in the rain in the wheelchair while she went to revtrieve the van, as a securtiy guard watched from inside. Finally, he came to help my mom get me in the van and my mother was successful in getting me home and in bed safely. I slept nearly 10 straight dead hours ~ unaware of the evenings events.
I then had an apt. with my urologist when I woke at which time he and my oncologist concluded it would be best to admit me. My blood work and systems of low pressure were of great concern. I was put on the fourth floor (which ironically enough does not specialize in cancer/oncology care)
Merely because I needed a heart monitor and the oncology floor on sixth had none ~ I had to be admitted to the floor from hell.
My days there, in the small dark, deep blue cubicle room, which was no more than 15 x 10 gave way to unbearable events. I was ready for it all to end.
I was first given antibiotics, which I forgot to mention, I vomitted in the er the previous night. The zophran, which is supposed to stop or help elimated nausea and vomiting did not work by any means. I requested another antibiotic but it wasn't switched and bag after bag, day after day, I continued to increasingly excrete the iv meds ~ it was truly a nightmare. My stomach was unsettled and unrested. My nurses would not attend to my calls, often for 20-45 minutes. AT this point my head was spinning, my stomach was churning and the pain... well the pain was a mere backdrop at this point. Not to mention, the increased pressure and pain from the growth of my tumour in the pelvis (oooohhh, had I completely forgeten I had cancer at this time?)
I had had enough. This was NO WAY to live.
I decided to QUIT , yes Quit ALL meds. Cold Turkey. For two days, NO DRUGS what so ever.
My stomach began to settle and my urine samples were "clean" from bacteria and indecisive and inconclusive of infectious disease.
I am a great believer in the power of the mind ~ to help hela and divert attention from pain. My recent new home therapies of 4-6 sea salt warm baths and peace and quiet silence ~ mediation ~ helped distract the tougher pain through the warmth of the water which acted as an anesthetic "patch" to my pain.
Unfortunately only medicine is availible in a hospital and indeed frequently and mainly used as a means to control pain. I believed I was over medicated and not only that, but given antibiotics which increased the nausea ~ and caused the emition/void of all med's. (ironically, my food was substained)
This week I've learned alot. You have to take control of your own health care, truly be your own advocate. It's funny how, several days after I quit the meds and began to feel better, the docs began to state that once "they quite" the antibiotics and meds, things seemed better.... (umm... hummm... wasn't that my "self-prescription")
Regardless, the enigma reamins. My kidney still would not drain. The urologist does not believe that the placement of the new larger stint will solve the problem. He believes that if this does not work a permanent outside bag/drain will need to be placed on my back through the kidneys. It will be a life changing event; one, which I am unprepared or am ready and convinced to committ myself to.
I've carried heavy emotional burden throughout the week, which I am verbalizing to my mother ~ and I know ~ are very difficult to hear and ones which she does not want to contemplate. She believes that there is always Hope and that I should continue to believe; and, its difficult at times to convince her ~ to see, that I truly do, believe. Yet, at times the misery is overwhelming by the moment and the truth of the events. I am on a spiral ~ which may seriously proceed and as my oncologist exclaimed, "you are slowly going downhill".
~without a doubt, from many true life stories of cancer survivors, patients, and caregivers... the true life events ~ my Truth of the inevitable ~ death ~ and the end , lurks; constantly from beyond.
But, indeed as someone whom I admire and who is dear to me stated, "keep fighting it... they are all wrong... paradise awaits you".
There is a battle which may be won.
Livestrong ~ Fight stronger
My newest motto from all these events; which, by the way has helped me continue to develop and inspire my idea, concept, and goal of creating a fund to build two hospice style resort retreats for cancer patients, family, and friends. One on the beach... all rooms with a view and a balcony, fully equipped for all of a cancer patients needs and one by the mountains... all rooms cabin style with a porch and swing with a view of nature's beauty, splendor and glory.
The idea is simple ~ and incorporates much of what I have heard many say: "I wish would wouldn't have spent all that time in the hospital bed... I wish we could have went to the beach or the mountains"... Simple idea... which will take great big bucks to accomplish and extend... to all terminal cancer patients; who are like me, who would like to enjoy the beach, yet, still need to be given treatments/iv's/temps checked, etc.. etc... The family could stay as an all inclusive: vacation/resort/retreat/hospice style place ~ (and naturally with a pool shaped in the form of a cancer ribbon) Time can be spend together ~ while making memories and dreams.
Always, the ideas ~ yet so little time to truly work ~ the "magic" work on the greater issue of a Humanatarian nature. I am absolutely, always welcome and open to any and all suggestions for help and aide in helping make this ~ my dream, or "legacy", a reality.
I would love to reach Lance Armstrong and his foundation to ask for permission to use my newest motto as a logo to put on not just yellow cancer bands... but all... the rainbow of colors that cancer emuates. To also put on t-shirts, socks, etc... to sell to help begin to raise the money for this grave endeveaour.
I would also love to reach Oprah, because, you know... without a doubt, she is #1!

Any and all outreach or help would greatly and fondly be appreciated. It would mean the world to me. Its a mountain to climb... that unfortunately, due to extended hospital stays... I am unable to divert full attention to. But, I give you my word... and promise that I am a determined gal... and I will fight this beast to win! and help others in the midst of their pain~

*******
Ominniscent Reflection
of patient, family, and friend
retreating to a haven of glory
which will electrigfy the end ~
Rebecca Luker
Terminal Cancer Patient, with family, and friends ~ who, in the room on the sixth floor of Aultman Hospital began to gain more insight to the importance and greater meaning of life... to spend "comfortable" retreat ~ to release ~ to get way to Zen ~

I Love You all
May your heart be full of solace

The Power of: YOU reflects from within ~ release and radiate ~ shine, as the star which you are. "The illuninating light and beauty of the Eiffel Tower at night"
That is who YOU are. An incredible sight... "aspire to see". R.L.

Late Addition:
I have started on my quest. I have written to Oprah, Lance Armstrong, and Mel Robbins of Make if Happen.
I would greatly appreciate any help at all, with my plight. Sending letters of support powered by YOU would greatly be appreciated!
If you are a blogger, help spread the word!!! Link other's to my world...
Thank you all!!!

Update on my sister

Becky is still at Aultman Hospital in Canton and is having a new, larger stent put in today. We are hoping this will relieve some of the pain she is having. She also had an infection due to backed up urine which was causing some pain. NIH has said they can not move forward with treatment until the kidney problem is managed. We hope this new stent corrects the urine flow and helps with some of the pain so she can get to NIH and have treatment. The goal is to do a cell replacement therapy where the tumor in the pelvis causing some of the pain and the problems with the kidney to shrink and ultimately be gone. I will keep you up to data - as best I can (Becky's Sister)

Update on Becky

Hi, Everyone
Becky is still in Hospital, but doing well, they may be changing the stint by putting in a larger one, or a different kind, we will probably no on Monday, of course this is now the weekend and the main Docs are not on call. So we are waiting, but infection is cleared up, but of course she is still in pain. I want to thank my niece and Beckys cousin Cheryl, for the lovely pictures her grandsons made for Becky i have hung them in her room she now has her Beach to look at. So hopefully she will be home next week. Anyone who wants to e-mail me personaly this is my address, Keyserbood@yahoo.com
Thanks to everyone for your conserns
Beckys MOM

I'm finding it harder...

As I sit here... I am in excrutiating pain. Nerve med's and morphine are not even taking the edge off. It is a familiar pain ~ much like what started before the stint was put in... although, this time... it is re-occuring on the same side (right); where the tumour is and on the left as well. I am as well having some blood in my urine ~ and painful disomfort with this stint. I most definately can feel it in me. I have an apt. with the doc who put the stint in tommorrow... so, I will be sure to address all these issues. Although, I have a feeling that I just may be admitting myself to the hospital if the pain doesn't cease. I truly don't understand what could be going wrong and/or why the left side is now re-acting the same.
It seems to be one thing after another... and I fear, I just may not be dealing well with all of this.I don't know how much more I can forego.

I was watching a movie this evening (well, I was trying to anyway...) entitled: Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon. In the movie, his wife was dying of cancer and all were not dealing well with the illness and on the brink of emotional crisis.
I could see alot of myself in the wife's character. There was a quote by Dylan Thomas which helps sum up alot of the pain:

"Do not go gentle into that good-nite
rage, rage, rage,
against the dying of the light"

it made me think:
"am I dying~ into the night, the abyss that becomes light"...

I have believed that I was dealing well with all of this, but perhaps I have been mistaken... perhaps it is the rage. I do not believe that I fear death any longer... but the pain... and the fear of the unknown... seem to be overbearing for me.
I am trying to stay focused in the "here and now" as Eckart Toole describes in his books, but it is very difficult when the now ~ is in pain.

I believe and feel that I am ready, to go. I have been feeling this way for quit some time ~ and although I know that many do not want to hear me speak this way; I want to let them know... that, it is good. It is good to not be afraid ~ of death or the end.


I wanted to post ~ because I am unsure what will be next and it just may look as though... a hopital visit may once again be calling.
Quick update: I've called the NIH ~ they said without bloodwork and urinalysis ~ they aren't sure what is wrong, the stint could very well be misplaced. I have been advised to take some more morphine and go to the hospital. I am waiting for my mother ~ and then I will go. Something just isn't right... the doc's at the NIH continue to tell me that I don't have to live with all this pain...
so, hopefully, it's off the good drugs! (lol... IV morphine ~ the best :) )
Anyway, if you don't hear from me, once again for a bit... you'll know why.
Be Well.
Becky

A post to the Mpip board/community

Posted by Becky at 01:28 on Mon, Oct 20, 2008 [Show other posts by Becky]

I posted this on the mpip site which I have frequented since my dx. It is a site mainly for melanoma patients at stage III/IV ~ however, many other's seek much of the advice. Those who are dx with skin cancer at stage I or II ~ are just as worried and distraught. The website and information saved my life. Although, I have only ever met several people from the board ~ the entire community is bond through great adversity.
I had thought, that perhaps I should share this aspect of my life as well. There is a link on the right side if anyone ever cares to take a peek. All are always welcome. It will help you gain more perspective and insight into the daily stridings we face. Melanoma is a different "beast" in and of itself.
Regardless, my post is heartfelt...
and I have been thinking more and more about how I can help. I've always liked the idea concept of a "retreat" ~ and perhaps this could be my calling. I would love to help other's in need ~ of finding themselves ~ while looking for inner peace.
It's been a journey... indeed.

Before you proceed further ~ I wanted to let you know, that Simone in England is not doing well. He has been told that he has a matter of days. Please, please take a few moments to show that you care and perhaps post a few thoughtful words. His link is to the right as well... easycancerjournal. It is hard to believe... as well, we will keep our thoughts and prayers focused on Gregeory of the mpip board. He is in the hospital and fighting the battle of his life. If you scroll down the posts, you will find an address to the hospital which he is staying at ~ they are throwing him a "card" party! if you could take the time to mail him a beautiful card, that would be greatly appreciated as well.

*******************************************************************************
In Reply to: Re: What does one do?... So many personal thoughts...long. Sorry. by Jim M. posted at 01:19 on Sun, Oct 19, 2008 (my thoughts in response to all the reply's which I recieved on the mpip board):

I feel sooo much better now. It has been a long time since I has disclosed much on this board ~ mainly since my family, friends, and relatives have been an eye with a view.

When I first found mpip~it saved my life...and continues to do so. It is an uplifting and in the same token, sad venue. However, it has nonetheless become my home away from home... to vent and discuss any and all personal issues and matters in relation to my life with melanoma.

I truly appreciate all the honesty and heartfelt stories. We have all been down very different roads and paths, yet, we all have a bond of commoradory.

I would like to let you know, my wonderful news... which has come as a blessing.

I have been informed that I may stay at a mobile home community park throughout the year. It is in a wonderful location ~ and I invite anyone needing or wanting to get away, to come visit.

I will continue to do my treatments at the NIH and come home to Ohio in between times. There truly are some wonderful people in this world.

This news has truly enlightened my spirits. I am more elated and overjoyed than ever. I now feel as though... I have a "greater" purpose/reason to fight harder and longer.

I know that many believe that you must first find peace... "inner"; and, I agree. I have always known from a young age, that I loved the sun and beach ~ that has never changed.

I had read a book about a year ago about taking a 1 year leave from your life... to live by the sea; it is called: a year by the sea. It had "me" written all over it! Perhaps I too, could eventually start a "spiritual" retreat for other's to come... and not just cancer patients... who are facing many obstacles and learning about themselves in the process.

You never know what life may bring. I do know, that God has granted me, my wish. I have always felt and known that he was present.

Recently, one of my older pained windows which are hard to replace broke... but, I am not upset, nor am I willing to fix it at the moment. It is in the perfect symetrical shape of dove. A dove, which signifies a great many things. One of which, is hope.

Ironically enough, the renters of the mobile home live on Hope street and in the city of Hope.

There have been so many uncanny coincidences that it is hard to believe otherwise... that there is truly someone watching over us.

Without a doubt ~ it is ultimatley up to us... in the power of: you to make change. To find your inner happiness and peace.

So, for now, I can only say "Thank YOU" and God-Bless.

Look for your strength in faith and believe in your will ~ will to live ~ for YOU can accomplish great things.

Peace,

Becky

I hope that everyone is having a good sunday afternoon ~ and your weekend is going well.
I wanted to briefly post to let you know ~ all is relatively well. I am having once again, an extreme abmount of pain in my right back. The morphine and nerve medicine is just slightly taking the edge off. I'm not sure what the cause.
I do have an apt. with the Dr. who put the stint in on Tues. I will be sure to ask alot of questions. It is very discomforting at times, to say the least.
In the meanwhile... I am having dreams about my cells growing in the multitude of mass. I have a good feeling that they are! Anxieties, though, continue to grow as well.
Just trying to "mentally" prepare myself for the road ahead. Part of me just wants to get it over with... and the other part... just doesn't even want it to begin.
I think that I'm starting to come around to the idea and concept of "wigs"... thanks to my recent change. It is kind of fun. To be able to be different. I know that hair doesn't make you who you are... or define your characteristic...
I have been learning from each and every experience throughout this experience with cancer.
What I have found, is that the generousity of human's is truly a wonderful blessing. It is inspirational and touching. It's uplifting and heartwarming.
I know that when many of us do things for other's... we do them simply out of the kindness and generousity of our hearts... we don't think about it... we just do it. We don't look ahead... at the possiblitity of the grandeur affects that it could have.
This is true kindness. Without a doubt.
You have the power ~ to simply touch a life ~ regardless if it is with words of wisdom or random acts of kindness. I often wish that I weren't on the recieving end ~ of cancer. I wish that I could be the caregiver. The one... giving. It always seemed so much easier..
I'm sure that "watching" ~ isn't the easiest ~ however, giving... of your heart ~ is.

Life Changes...

It goes without saying that today was a bit of an emotional road. I have quit a bit of things to accomplish before my chemo treatments. One on them is looking into getting myself a wig. So, I decided to stop by to see my hairstylist and ask her opinion... well, as you can see in the photo... she helped take it one step... further!
Wow. Wow. What a shock. I am no longer a blonde. I am a dark chocolate brown with a hint of glossy red. I'm not sure what to think... it's very different than what I am used to.
I had wanted to unifiy my hair color so that when the time came to cut it all off to send to locks of love ~ it would be a nice even shade.
I know that alot of changes are about to head my way... so, one one is just the start. I still need to decided on the color of my wig. So far, long blonde is in the lead... and I must say... I am still partial to this color. Although, change just may be in the future cards.
It also goes without saying... that today, I grieve for a loss. Not a loss of human nature. A loss of who and what I believed that I was... and/or who I became. The person that I identified myself with. The person that had worked so hard. Long and hard hours, days, months, and years to get to the position of my "career" status.
Today, that status's fate is sealed, in an envelope ready to go. An early retirment. Very early retirement at that. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of a life that I once had. A life that I once began. A life that gave me identity. It gave me a greater sense of self and self accomplishment. It was ~ me.
Life changes... some are not ones that we really asked for or want. Who will I be? Who will I become? Who am I now? What do I identify myself with ~ in the here and now?
I am more than just a cancer patient ~ fighting a disease. I am more than an individual forced into early retirement because of ailment. I am more.
We all are ~ we just don't seem to know it ~ or know where we stand. Life changes are challenges.
So, for now ~ some changes, I can control. I changed my hair color and when I loose it all ~ I will change it again. Other things, I can not ~ loosing my job position, my hair, and the spread of my disease.
I can only do my best ~ to work with these challenges. To stay as focused and positive as I can. We all can ~ merely do our best. Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy. We take it for what it is ~ learn and grow ~ accept and face ~ that change is an important component that helps us get that much stronger in the end.
And, it's always nice to have bright shinning friends and faces by your side. I have to Thank Bob ~ with whom I work. He has gone out of his way numerous times to help me out throughout this process. He has stopped by the hospital just to say "hi" and taken me to the store just to get milk. All in all... in the end ~ it is these very kind gestures in humanity that bring about the best of change.
As he would say "you are the x and I am the o"
take care ~ all my friends
xo
PS It's not my time ~ I'm not going ~ Listen to the words in the video. Music has always helped me convey a greater sense of self; feelings and thought.