I'm finding it harder...

As I sit here... I am in excrutiating pain. Nerve med's and morphine are not even taking the edge off. It is a familiar pain ~ much like what started before the stint was put in... although, this time... it is re-occuring on the same side (right); where the tumour is and on the left as well. I am as well having some blood in my urine ~ and painful disomfort with this stint. I most definately can feel it in me. I have an apt. with the doc who put the stint in tommorrow... so, I will be sure to address all these issues. Although, I have a feeling that I just may be admitting myself to the hospital if the pain doesn't cease. I truly don't understand what could be going wrong and/or why the left side is now re-acting the same.
It seems to be one thing after another... and I fear, I just may not be dealing well with all of this.I don't know how much more I can forego.

I was watching a movie this evening (well, I was trying to anyway...) entitled: Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon. In the movie, his wife was dying of cancer and all were not dealing well with the illness and on the brink of emotional crisis.
I could see alot of myself in the wife's character. There was a quote by Dylan Thomas which helps sum up alot of the pain:

"Do not go gentle into that good-nite
rage, rage, rage,
against the dying of the light"

it made me think:
"am I dying~ into the night, the abyss that becomes light"...

I have believed that I was dealing well with all of this, but perhaps I have been mistaken... perhaps it is the rage. I do not believe that I fear death any longer... but the pain... and the fear of the unknown... seem to be overbearing for me.
I am trying to stay focused in the "here and now" as Eckart Toole describes in his books, but it is very difficult when the now ~ is in pain.

I believe and feel that I am ready, to go. I have been feeling this way for quit some time ~ and although I know that many do not want to hear me speak this way; I want to let them know... that, it is good. It is good to not be afraid ~ of death or the end.


I wanted to post ~ because I am unsure what will be next and it just may look as though... a hopital visit may once again be calling.
Quick update: I've called the NIH ~ they said without bloodwork and urinalysis ~ they aren't sure what is wrong, the stint could very well be misplaced. I have been advised to take some more morphine and go to the hospital. I am waiting for my mother ~ and then I will go. Something just isn't right... the doc's at the NIH continue to tell me that I don't have to live with all this pain...
so, hopefully, it's off the good drugs! (lol... IV morphine ~ the best :) )
Anyway, if you don't hear from me, once again for a bit... you'll know why.
Be Well.
Becky