Not feeling well... once again.

I briefly wanted to post ~ I know that many follow... and I am sure that it is the great reflection of honesty that many appreciated. No one ever said that living with cancer was going to be easy. You take the good with the bad. Perhaps I spoke to soon with my overwhelming joy for life ~ but whatever it may have been, I am glad to have had the weekend.
I woke up bright and early sunday with the time change ready to challenge the world. I showered, got dressed, and put my make-up on to help me feel pretty. I realized that it was much too early on a sunday for any store to be open, imparticularily, Borders. I was hoping to find some inspirational books on cancer, but instead found myself heading back to bed, buried deep beneaht the covers with the electric heater on.
As the day proceeded, I continued not to feel so well. Chills, diahrrea, nausea... and the leg where many of my tumor were taken out, has become increasingly sore. As well, the medicine's are not subsiding the crazy random sharp and grabbing pains where the major tumor lies in the pelvis.
While I was in the hospital my oncologist wanted to do an MRI of the brain. I refused this test for several days. I honestly was in no shape primarily to lie in a box for that length of time ~ but, on the other token, I'd imagine specifically, I was in no shape, to honestly find out if the dreaded had happened.
I was having a rough enough time dealing with the week as it was and my onc's comment that "I was slowly going downhill" did not help the situation. Perhaps it was that I did nor, do not want to know. The problem is... I am having some slight grabbing/throbbing pains in the same spot on the left side of my head ~ above the ear.
I really don't want to think about all of this right now. The NIH is supposed to call me Monday ~ to let me know if my cells are killing the active melanoma. I sure do hope so ~ I'm not sure what other treatment is left for me. I'm starting to become quit scared ~ of the capability of this tumor ~ and of spread. Although I am scared to death of the TIL ~ the damage that this tumor may be causing by now, are becoming of a far greater concern.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I am. I don't know what is going on inside of my body... and I have absolutely no control at this moment. I am at the mercy of the NIH and my cells. If this treatment can help me... I am surely, because of recent events, gearing up for it... more and more.
If I hear any news today ~ I will post ~ most definately.
I hope that today brings upon a better day.
Take care my friends.
Becky