Head Wraps and Jewels

I wasn't even sure that I was going to post today ~ Over the course of the past several days, I have had alot on my mind ~ and my subconsious is not make matters any better for that matter! I feel as though I am carrying a small tumour baby around with me ~ it's crazy. It's such an odd feeling. I am having alot of pressure ~ much similiar to when you are carrying a baby who is laying on your bladder, numbness, and varying pain.
I have been trying to keep myself as relaxed as possible and as stress free as possible. Yes, I have been running from stress for the past several months. I do not have the time or energy to allow my mind or body to dwell on and subcomb to potential dangers.
Overall, I believe that I have been making alot of improvements ~ for the good, naturally, in my life. I have been reading how stress and your environment can seriously effect your body and its ability to fight off disease and illness. I have also read that meditation can help clear the mind and "de-toxify" the body.
Without a doubt, I am in a much better place ~ locality, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically, speaking. I feel alive and well. It is a great feeling.
I am trying not to let the thoughts of next week creep up upon me. It seems as though my senses and emotions are extremely hightened at this time. Some of the littlest and simpliest things cause tears to swell.
I am doing my best to think about the "here and now" ~ my sister made a great point; that December is not here yet, to enjoy what I have now ~ to live in the moment ~ not two weeks away.
I was watching Oprah the other day and she had a show on about women and beauty around the world. I really enjoyed the piece about the women and men who shaved their heads and offered their hair to the gods, it was considered a great honor. I as well, really liked many of the colorful wraps that the Eastern women wore around their heads and the jewels in the middle of the forehead.
I honestly think, that I may try to look into this. In all honesty, their faces looked beautiful. I would love to get some of the wonderful colorful head wraps and jewels ~ if anyone has any suggestions or knows anyone who may be able to help, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.
I keep asking God to give me the strength to make it through this treatment. As well, I ask that this treatment give me hope. If the treatment does not work, there is very little beyond that that can be done ~ I was told that surgeries may be an option ~ but only as a means to help cut out some of the growth of the tumour. As well, there may be other treatment options to try ~ but overall, this is the only one with the greatest chance/s of working.
Regardless of the outcome ~ I am forever grateful for the lessons that I have been learning in my life and the experiences that I have been granted. They have been lifesavers.

Spirit Flys...

This was the exerpt from a piece that I just posted on the Mpip family bulletin and post. Someone named Santa had asked me if it would be alright to send small gifts or flowers to the NIH during Christmas ~ and many ohthers wished me well while mentioning that I had great spirit.


Hello all my wonderful Mpip family and friends!!!




I am gearing up to kick melanoma's ass!!!

This is for all our past warriors ~ angels in the heaven and sky. They have given me unwavering strength and courage to fight on ~ I take with me the spirit that flys high from above from all your lost loves ~ I plan on fighting this damn beast ~ and winning in their honour!
For Becca especially ~ this time will remind me of our Il-2 experience at the NIH and the cheers that you all gave "the IL-2 Queens" ~ I will never forget.

PS
Dear Santa ~
Remember how exciting it was to write your letter to Santa when you were a young kid? The sheer anticipation of his arrival with your gifts, left under the Christmas tree to be open by your avail and surprise?
What a glorious time in life. Childlike dreams of a man who brought cheer and joy to a season filled with laughter and love.
Even though I am now an older adult the child within me still screams to write to Santa. My letter to Santa this year will not be to yield presents of fine galoure.
What I ask this year from Santa ~ is for an understanding of peace. For my family to realize that as I struggle throughout these years for my life and time that solace has filled the air.
I would love nothing more than for my family to deeply understand and appreciate the grandeur picture; that it is not always the fight that counts.
It is the grattitude that I have towards them for helping me ~ helping me to pull myself through many difficult days, months, and weeks. For all of the struggles that I have overcome ~ I could not have done it without you.
Even though, many times ~ you may not feel or see the love or appreciation ~ it is unconditionally there.
I would like Santa's gift to be that of one of peace ~ to be brought to my family ~ regardless of the outcome of this upcoming procedure.
I know that in many ways ~ these years have been tough on many in so many different ways ~ but I need everyone to know ~ that the part that you played ~ has made a significant difference.
Naturally, my attitude and emotions have been severely affected by the onsight of all the drama that comes along with batttling a fight agains cancer. It is a beast ~ sent out to destroy.
My letter to Santa merely asks for knowledge of comfort. Of course, I would be lying if I didn't mention that I would like Santa to give me strong battling melanoma warrior cells!!! (go kick ass!!!) Santa,
Give me the finest ass kickin' battling melanoma war battling anti cancer fighting cells ~ the best of the best ~ let's hit them with our best shot ~ our very own artilerary!!!
Let's all learn to appreciate that the part that we played in the battle was of great significance. Everyone ~ and I do mean everyone ~ played a role in helping me gain the wisdom, experience, knowledge, courage, and spirit to look cancer straight on... and say: "go ahead an take me" ~ you don't scare me. I believe that looking straight at death ~ and learning not to be afraid of it ~ has been the best thing that has come of this journey. It has forever changed my life and perspective on life.
So Santa ~ gather all of your flying spirits and give me their sheer strength, determination, and will.

PS ~
HO! HO! HO! I almost forgot to mention!!! Absolutely!!! Feel free to send anything that you would like to the NIH ~ if I am unable to have it in the room during my chemo I will just have my mom take it to her room or have the nurses put it on the station desk until I am able to put it in my room.
Basically, I was told that there shouldn't be a problem and that I may even put a tree in my room if I would like. I truly hope to have my room decorated for Christmas... it would make it seem that much for cheerful, joyful, and spirited!!!

Thanks for waiting...

I'm sorry that it has been a bit since I have posted ~ but, I do Thank you all for your unwavering concern and support. Pre-chemo/TIL treatments I decided to "take a break" from cancer. I wanted to steer clear; stay as far away from the thoughts and emotions related to my upcoming experience.
I had several days which were to say the least, very rough ~ I'm not completely sure what the reason but I honestly do believe that the underlying problem was the fact that I tried to and decided to quit the morphine pain med's ~ cold turkey. I felt like crap ~ complete crap to be honest with you. Another one of those times when I had wished that I were dead.
I have been having quit a few of those days ~ which makes the surrealism of this entire journey all that more real. Indeed, the time has come to inform you that my the wheels are in motion. The NIH has called me and I am to start my journey with the TIL on December 3.
To say that I am scared ~ is a complete understatement. My mother has asked me if I am ready, she has said that she is. My truthful answer "no". How can someone ever be ready for such a harsh and toxic chemical treatment with side-effects that range all the way to death?
She then proceeded to mention my alternative: the inevitable with cancer: death.
Plain and simply, my answer; I am at peace, ready and prepared. I am no longer fearful of death and the taboo that our society has infringed and ingrained upon us about this topic.
I have come to peace with many issues in my life lately ~ which is what this time "out-away" was meant for and all about. Personal and interpersonal issues which I would like to address and resolve.
What saddens me the most, is that I will not have my "other half" by my side. I feel that it would be soooo much easier if I had a love in my life. I have longed for love throughout this entire journey and I know how difficult it is/must be for anyone to truly get involved with me.
Although, I do not completely understand... I try to. One of my downfalls is Love. This is the longest that I have went without. This is the longest and first time in my life that I have been given the opportunity to think about what I want. What I want for myself. Is it lonely? Absolutely. Do I want to share my life with someone ~ unequivacably, yes; without a doubt in my mind or heart.
For now, I will continue to stay strong and headfast on my own two feet. Cancer has taught me many things. I am learning how positive thought can influence your every need.
I have always been an optimist, that will never change. As Sir Winston Churchill stated: "I aman optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." I have always looked for the good in everything that surrounds me and now, for the first time, I am looking at myself; for the good that comes from within. I have alot to offer. We all do. Alot of good qualities ~ that are just beginning to be "tapped" into.
For the first time in my entire life ~ I am at peace. I am relaxed and at one with myself, nature, and the life that has been given to me.
I have finally come to realize that morphine and pain med's are needed to help control this disease, the tumours which are growing inside of me. It has been a very difficult path to walk along.
Most recently, I have found another larger lump in my right leg ~ which is undoubtably another tumour mass. As well, I have been having some pains in my brain ~ in three identified spots. It never gets any easier.
It is hard for others to believe or understand that just because I already have cancer that it is any easier to continue to find a new tumour... one after another; especially when you get rid of one and then another appears.
It is extremely discouraging, upsetting, and disappointing. Just as I have begun to embrace the fact that one tumour has been removed ~ another sets in in sheer dismial.
I understand that this treatment could "potential" be a cure ~ and for that matter, it is the only reason that I am taking the risk. As I have mentioned earlier ~ I am at peace with my death. There have already been many times when I had wished that I would no longer suffer and have wished for the bright lights at the end.
Culturally, the subject of death is not handled so well, it is treated as something "taboo", much like the issue of aging. I can honestly say, that I often look at elder's and think... I may never get the chance to experience the grace and wisdom that comes with aging. I may never get to experience gray hair and wrinkles back ache and pain! (lol... not that I haven't already experienced that) :)
Regardless, this is my journey~ through my youth and I have been very grateful to have experienced and shared it with you.
Now, onto the "reality" ~ which I have been avoiding throughout this post.
My tenative itinerary for December (pending there are no brain mets or other problems/complications)
It all begins on December 3. I fly out at 6 am to Baltimore. I am to be admitted to the NIH and have my bloodwork completed by 2. I have a ct scan at 3 and an mri at 7.
December 4. I am to have a very large and permanent catheder put into a vein in my chest which runs to my heart for all of the IV meds.
December 5-6. I will start my first bouts of chemo. Cytoxen. Which I was told is an extremely rough one. I will have anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids to help the bladder work properly. I will be asked to awaken every 2 hours to urinate ~ so that I may be watched for any infections or problems that may arise.
I was told that I will NOT be sleeping at all during this treatment and that is was going to be a rough one.
December 7. I will start another chemo called 5FU or flubedamen. This will been given over the course of the next five days. As the days begin to progress, I was told that I will begin to feel better and that I may even be well enough to get a day pass to leave the hospital to go out to eat or get a wig if I feel up to it.
December 12. My Cells will be given to me at noon. It is a one time 20 minute process, which is the heart and soul of this procedure ~ it is what will be the determining factor ~
it will as well, be another rough day.
but, I pray... that my cells are now working hard for this day. I pray that they are the cure, the miracle answer.
Two hours after this procedure, I will be given the IL-2. I was told that initially, it will not be as difficult to tolerate as before ~ simply because my immune system will be completely out ~ and it will not be trying to fight anything. Eventually, as it begins to reckognize my cells ~ I will have the same side-effects as I did before when I took this treatment.
Alone, this treatments was rough ~ I can't imagine... combined, how my body will tolerate all of this. I will keep up the positive thoughts and vibes ~
I continue to welcome your throughts and prayers ~ the power of one multiplied ~ has an expansive effect.
I will most definately be at the NIH on Christmas Day. I will not be able to be released until after Christmas, regardless of the outcome. This will be a Christmas to remember.
I do sooo much welcome any visitors, phone calls, cards, etc. It honestly will keep me going. I will have a notepad by the phone so that, if a nurse or someone is near ~ then can take a message or at least write down who has called.
The address of the NIH: (and my wonderful nurse correspondent, Kathleen Morton)
National Cancer Institute
c/o Kathleen Morton
Building 10-CRC, 3-1730
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

or

National Cancer Institute
Patient Mail 3NW
Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

the phone number to the nurses station to ask about me or get my room number and room phone number: 301-451-0789
You may call anytime day or night 24 hours a day. Someone is always there and more than likely, I will be be up at all/varying hours of the day and night.

I hope that I have covered it all. I hope that I haven't forgotten anything, but, I am sure that I probably have. For now ~ I leave you with the thought, that I am doing well ~ a little emotionally upset and scared to death ~ but, I am working on stay completely relaxed... focused, positive, and strong.
I hope that you too ~ are doing well. Have courage and continue to cultivate an openness and awareness to yourself and new things.

I loved this one:
"Masquearading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"~ anonymous.

take care my friends ~ Love, Becky. I will always be apart of your life; heart and soul.

The attraction.

I have just begun to read the book entitled: "The Secret", which explicitly states that "we're all working with one power. One law. It's attraction! The Secret is the law of attraction. You can see the law of attraction everywhere. You draw everything to yourself. The people, ... your whole life is a manifestation of the thoughts that go on in your head".

We are all constantly drawing attraction to oursleves through ourselves and I am happy to say that I have most definately attracted and drawn some of the greatest human beings, which I call friends into my life.
You have all been such a wonderful group of support. Your thoughts, words, prayers, and comfort guide me daily throughout me journey. I would not be here, without you ~ and that, is not an understatement.
From the very beginning, when I found and attracted Amy Bushby, Carver, Becca, Greg, and Tracey, I found Hope, Belief, and Faith within the human spirit ~
it's called kindness. It has grown ten fold up until this point and I hope that at some point within my lifetime, I will be able to reciprocate and coney the appreciation that is due.
To all who are considering a visit to the NIH in the month of December ~ I sincerely look forward to meeting YOU. I know that many have asked about the visiting hours, directions, and many other questions. To the best of my knowledge, they do have visiting hours similar to that of a hospital. I will leave the number to nurses station desk on 3NW so that you may call with any/all of your questions/concerns. I will also give you the address for your directional purposes and for those of you who will not be able to make the trip ~ just in case you would like to send a Special Holiday Greeting Card.
I have asked if I may decorate my room for the Holidays and much is dependant upon how I am feeling. It seems logical that during the chemo dosing (the first several days) I will not be able to have much in the room. I am gearing up!!!
The aphoresis went well! The Doctor said that the amount of cells that they recieved from the procedure should help my lab cells grow in the millions!!! (yeah!!! let's keep up the faith ~ good killer cells ~ take over and grow!!!)
As well, my sister has informed me, that we may be able to go to New York ~ to get our hair cut and donated to locks of love. The guy on the show "What not to wear" apparently has offered his servies to us for free. I was very excited and touched to hear this. I am hoping that she will be able to make this a reality.
I have been surrounded by some very wonderful and special people in my life. I could not have done this or gotten to this point in my life without them. I can never say enough ~ to show my sincerity ~ to all. The law of attraction simply does work.
At this very moment, my sister and her husband's side of the family are gathered around to say their last farewells to a lovely lady, who battled cancer as well. My brother-in-law's mother and family have been told that it has come time for her to depart.
I am saddened for my brother-in-law and his family. This disease takes a great deal out not only on the cancer patient but the family and friends as well. At this very moment all of my thoughts and prayers go out to his mother and circle of family and friends.
Please keep all in mind ~ who battle ~ and all those who support the will to live and the incredulous fight.

~"celebrate the good feelings...emotions are an incredible gift"~

Mission Accomplished!

All I can say is "what a day"! I am very tired but trying my best to hold out until later this evening. I have once again been overwhelmed by the events of the day. It's exhausting work ~ staying in the hospital! (lol...)
BRight and early at 6 am I was taken to the unit to put a catheder in my femural artery. I was once again given sedative medicine. The Doctor was so funny... he told me to trust him that the medicine was good stuff... he has taken it once or twice! Such crazy Doctor's here ~ yet, they are extremely competent. I don't even think that I had gotten to sleep by the time he was finished with the procedure.
This was my first time for this particular procedure and it was quit similiar to the stint placement. I would imagine that I should be ready next month for my pic line placement. They are going to put it in my shoulder and run it to my heart.
I have been given so many details and facts about next months treatment. I was told that I will be able to get a wig while I was here and that I probably wouldn't loose my hair right away. They also have a barber who will come up to your room to shave/cut your hair when you are ready.
They have discussed all aspects of the treatment and possible side effects with me. I will be monitered quit well. As for the aphoresis this morning, all went well. My blood was taken out and re-circulated into my body 5 times. They got a nice amount of cells which I am very happy about. It was discomforting and I had much pain from the tumor because I did not have my am meds. However, the med's are now in me and I finally got some food in my stomach.
I wanted to get word out so that everyone would know that all went well. I just need to keep an eye on the vein to make sure that it clots properly. They didn't stitch it up ~ just compressed it. This will be something to keep my eye on.
Well, I am still a bit dizzy and tired so I will try to get a cat nap in. I hope that everyone has a nice weekend.
Before I end this post ~ on an afterthought, I wanted to inform you of Simon's passing. If you were following his posts at cancerjournal ~ he is from England ~ and battled bravely. You may link to him from my site and send your condolences. Yet another great melanoma warrior lost.
Take Care
I send my Love,
Becky

The Power of: YOU... shines through.

Thank you all for your wonderful posts :)

Your spirit shines through...

You have all been such a great "cheer-squad"! Although there has been much pain recently ~ you held steadfast and strong. It means a great deal to me and I want to take the time to Thank you ~ in all sincerity.

I have had alot on my mind lately, since the news ~ that I would be spending Christmas at the NIH. I was thinking... "Chemo for Christmas"
what a gift, but, I know that there is an underlying and greater gift ~ of life ~ if this treatment works. I am praying for my miracle ~ my cure.
This treatment is extremely important, as many of you are aware. It is basically the only treatment with a 50-50 chance... other treatments are 20% at best.
I'm not going to let the numbers, figures, and stats interfere with my path, course, and regiment. I am here, now, at the NIH. They have taken my bloodwork ~ and in the early am I will have my aphoresis. I am still waiting to see the Dr. this evening as I have many questions and concerns.
It is hard to believe that I will be here for the entire month of December. I have asked everyone to please help decorate my room ~ for Christmas. I want it to be a "feastavous miracle" ~ I want Christmas spirit and cheer all around. My mom has informed me that she is going to bake christmas cookies at the lodge. She plans on giving them out to everyone!!!
It will most definately be a different kind of Christmas ~ one to be remembered. It will also be my daughter's sweet 16. Her and I are both saddened by the fact that we won't be able to be together to celebrate this day. However, I did tell her, that I plan on fighting this so that we may share her 16th and my 40th birthday ~ together.
She woke up in the middle of the night, several nights ago... and send me this message:
she opened her eyes
and was on a cloud
a man appeared
and said aloud
you've lived a life
once so beautiful
yet so strong
take my hand
no fear allowed
no tears to shred
or pain to feel
just love and happiness
for all eternity
while many on earth
may cry and shout
you shall be safe
from all no doubt
for you are here
to be adored
by all you see
now through eternity
withoug a doubt
your always fighting
and I love you for that
stay who you are
not just for me
but for god you'll see
we love you for who you are
that woman you are
that mother you are
that beautiful soul
and loving heart
no matter what
you will always be
~My Mother~
~I Love You~
prayin 4 her

We have sat and discussed many of our fears. We have had many quiet and emotional moments. She remembered a time, when she was younger, when I got sick and she took care of me ~ she feed me grapes. For some odd reason, both of us remember and cheerish some of the simpliest days. I assured her that she could come be by my side at the NIH during her Christmas break... and that she could once again, come feed me those grapes.

It's odd how, in one's life, some of the greatest pleasures have come from remedial things. Pleasure and joy ~ simply can not be bought. Throughout the course of this journey, I have completely learned ~ that even though money is a necessity to live ~ it is not what ultimately buys us happiness. It's not that I really ever believed this theory ~ but, I can see how ~ during certain courses and periods of time, within my life ~ I thought and believed ~ I had a greater financial need. I wanted money ~ to make me happy. I'm not sure when and where I tended to stray... just a little bit ~ off the beaten path ~ but, in all honesty... I have been happy ~ without.
It's what you make of yourself and life ~ that truly counts and memories are not something that can be bought. Finding the greatest of pleasure in the people who surround you ~ now that ~ is truly worth far more than gold itself.

Let yourself shine through in all that you do.

NIH NEWS...

Ok ~ Cheering and applauding ~ now allowed!!! It's official: my cells are growing in the lab and actively fighting the melanoma!!! Way to go! :)

So, I won't have much time. I will be flying out to Bethesda this Thursday so that early Friday a.m. I will be able to do my aphresis. This procedures usually takes about 4 hours for me (my veins never co-operate!).
I will then return home for about 2 weeks, at which time, I am hoping to spend some time ~ solo ~ to find my Zen ~ peace ~ before the TIL treatment starts.
I will be scheduled to start the TIL at the beginning of December, right after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it looks as though I may be at the NIH during/throughout Christmas.
It's going to be rough... but, my fellow assured me that on the onset of any problems, they will stop the procedure. I will also, most definately loose all of my hair (which, I was already well aware of). She said that basically the first several days of chemo were rough to tolerate... but, I won't let my mind go there, right now.
I will leave the address for the NIH ~ all well wishes will greatly be appreciated.
I'm not sure who, if anyone will be able to keep up with my posts here... I will do my best to find someone.
The National Cancer Institue
c/o Suzanne Inchauste, M.D. for Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Building 10, Floor 3NW
Bethesda, MD 20892

Pray that this is the miracle cure! Thank you Mark Origer for your wishes and thoughts ~ I am so happy for your continued NED status! Mark is one of the first to be cancer free from the TIL treatment at the NIH. He continues to stay in contact and send's his thoughts, prayers, and support as so many of you do.
Thank You All
My Best,
Becky

Going Beyond

Going Beyond ~ Maya Image


Inherent in the nature of humans is the desire to improve and better ourselves. This process of going beyond our current limitations is often referred to as “self transcendence.” Self Transcendence can apply to any aspect of our being; the physical self transcendence of running faster; the mental self transcendence of going beyond our purely egoistic thinking.

However at the heart of self transcendence is a spiritual concept that we are growing into a more illumining nature and gaining a wider perspective of our true self.

Self transcendence is not competing with others. Self transcendence is a personal journey of self discovery. To practise self transcendence we need personal effort, willingness to change. However self transcendence needs to involve an awareness that our success doesn’t just involve our “little I”, but also the universal self (or bigger “I”).

Spiritual seekers have experienced self transcendence as the grace that allows them to be aware of the infinite consciousness of inner delight. In this spiritual self transcendence the different religions and spiritual practises converge on the common teaching of going beyond the limitations of the ego and being aware of our higher Source. This Higher Self is called by many different names, but ultimately is beyond any metaphysical concept.

The practise of Self transcendence is not limited to those who are overtly religious. Any human being who strives for greater perfection and a higher perspective is practising a form of self transcendence, and it is this self transcendence that gives us joy.


********************************************
I recently sent a message to a friend while I was in the hospital stating my belief and need for the mental transcendence and attainment of the concept of "going beyond". Naturally, the response was: "what? what?" So, you see, how could I explain this phenomenom that I was experiencing late one evening, in which I was trying to save and share. I have strong convictions and beliefs that we are capable in far greater things empowered by the Power of: YOU. (Thank You Amy, for re-enlighting me!)
I couldn't have stated it any better than this post. Our egotic states of mind often take over and proceed. However, I can attest that there is great joy in the transcendence. It's a matter of self will.
I am often at a lose for words and articulation when random jumbled thoughts enter my mind. I often was afraid of ridicule or misunderstanding ~ but, no longer. This journal ~ the bloggings of my infinite mind, body, and soul... are but a simple reflection of me.
I can only hope that you can find it within yourself to go beyond all boundaries... to find your true self... the one that is encapsled within the egotic state of being. It takes alot of introspection... to see your outward self... for the role it is and plays... and to openly see the true self from within. YOU will be amazed.

Not feeling well... once again.

I briefly wanted to post ~ I know that many follow... and I am sure that it is the great reflection of honesty that many appreciated. No one ever said that living with cancer was going to be easy. You take the good with the bad. Perhaps I spoke to soon with my overwhelming joy for life ~ but whatever it may have been, I am glad to have had the weekend.
I woke up bright and early sunday with the time change ready to challenge the world. I showered, got dressed, and put my make-up on to help me feel pretty. I realized that it was much too early on a sunday for any store to be open, imparticularily, Borders. I was hoping to find some inspirational books on cancer, but instead found myself heading back to bed, buried deep beneaht the covers with the electric heater on.
As the day proceeded, I continued not to feel so well. Chills, diahrrea, nausea... and the leg where many of my tumor were taken out, has become increasingly sore. As well, the medicine's are not subsiding the crazy random sharp and grabbing pains where the major tumor lies in the pelvis.
While I was in the hospital my oncologist wanted to do an MRI of the brain. I refused this test for several days. I honestly was in no shape primarily to lie in a box for that length of time ~ but, on the other token, I'd imagine specifically, I was in no shape, to honestly find out if the dreaded had happened.
I was having a rough enough time dealing with the week as it was and my onc's comment that "I was slowly going downhill" did not help the situation. Perhaps it was that I did nor, do not want to know. The problem is... I am having some slight grabbing/throbbing pains in the same spot on the left side of my head ~ above the ear.
I really don't want to think about all of this right now. The NIH is supposed to call me Monday ~ to let me know if my cells are killing the active melanoma. I sure do hope so ~ I'm not sure what other treatment is left for me. I'm starting to become quit scared ~ of the capability of this tumor ~ and of spread. Although I am scared to death of the TIL ~ the damage that this tumor may be causing by now, are becoming of a far greater concern.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I am. I don't know what is going on inside of my body... and I have absolutely no control at this moment. I am at the mercy of the NIH and my cells. If this treatment can help me... I am surely, because of recent events, gearing up for it... more and more.
If I hear any news today ~ I will post ~ most definately.
I hope that today brings upon a better day.
Take care my friends.
Becky

Enjoying Life...

A great friend of mine, someone who is near and dear, helped make this weekend very special for me. The weather was delightful ~ just enough so, to go out. I was taken shopping and to my absolute all time favorite Italian Restaraunt, Carrabba's.
To say that I have a love for their food, would be a complete understatement. With each bite there is sheer exquisite joy. "There is no loe more sincere than the love of food". It temps my taste pallate and invites a spectacular flare to the tongue.
I have always been a pasta, meat, and potato lover. Carrabba's takes it several steps beyond. While sitting at the bar, where you can watch them cook an amazing amount of food on a friday or saturday evening, you can't help but be intrigued. I've visited often enough, and become quit the regular that I recieve many free samples of food to tempt my buds. The manager came to say "hello" and wondered where I had been. The situation was briefly explained and it was with great and deep understanding that he compted the next dinning experience. I will, without a doubt, be looking forward to that!
My all time favorites at Carrabba's are the oil and spice's for the bread, the taglarini, the cavatappi, the garlic mashed potato, and the sirlon marsala with extra sauce. Then, to top it off, for desert, I order the vanilla ice-cream with hot fudge and the baked cinnamon pecans.
Usually, I would have a caraffee of wine with my meal. However, at this time, I stuck with water and ice tea.
The food was divine. The leftovers were that much better. It set the beautiful weekend in perpetual motion. I am once again... enjoying life... and Living.
You can not believe how extremely appreciative I have now become of some of the simpliest pleasures. To truly, fully engage in the ultimate pleasure of food... is love.
I hope that you and do, take the time, to enjoy some of the more simplier things in your life... that perhaps you usually have taken for granted. I know I have. I frequented Carrabba's weekly at one point in my life, pre-cancer. This weekend, however, it was no longer, a luxury, that once took for granted...
Such simple joy... in learning to live.
So, next time, you find yourself... doing whatever it is, that you love... take a few moments, to reflect upon the blessing that has been bestowed.
Have a wonderful Monday, my friends! :)