An Arsenol of Med's...

Welcome Back! Home Sweet Home

It has been a very long ~ several weeks. In and out of hospital's and hospital beds; eating such wonderful hospital food :) and barely sleeping (thanks to the wide array of Dr.s and nurse's flooding and bombarding your room) ~ a joy, in and of itself. In case you haven't gotten to experience such wonder's; let me explain: It usually begins between the hours of 4-5: a nurse comes to wake you up and take your blood for the Dr.'s early rounds, then another comes to slightly after that, usually after you've once again fallen back to sleep, to take your pulse, temperature, listen to your vitals/etc..your assesment. You then try to once again... get more sleep... but low and behold... 7 comes soon. Time to be up and ready... get your shower in if you can... because it's time to eat breakfast... and wait for the round of Doc's to discuss the onward plan. Then, basically, the day is planned accordingly: either to treatments/med's/surgeries/discussions with social worker's or counselors/in and out nurser's/visitor's/other patients that pass by in the hall/phone calls/room cleaners/hall monitors (lol...) Yes. you do get in trouble for leaving the floor if you weren't "permitted"!!! and the list goes on and on... go ahead... try to sleep, if you dare. Try to slip away into the room bathroom or one down the hall for some privacy... they will find you... (lol...) I've got to laugh... in all honesty.. because let me tell you... it's no picnic. Sure, sure... unlimited lounge time and no need to worry about making dinner ~ such great perks... what a trade-off indeed. If any of you have ever been in the hospital... you know the scenario well.
I had felt soooo terribly bad for my roomate who was doing her chemo dosing one night... so was tired and simply wanted to sleep... she was in peaceful slumber... when the nurses kept awakening her for pokes and prodes. I had flashbacks without a doubt. At times, it was nice to have a roomate to keep me company, and at times, it honestly wasn't... she was dosing with chemo... which brought back some bad memories of my Il-2 treatments and some anxities about my upcoming chemo treatments. Regardless, she was wonderful and delighful and handled her situation well ~ with grace and ease ~ considering the alternative. It seems to be the consensus amoungst cancer patients. What choice, do we really have? High toxitity or the ultimate inevitable ~ death?
Rambling again, am I? I have sooo much to say... (but, then again... when don't I?)
Perhaps I should update everyone before I continue on with my bouts!
As far as surgery was concerned: wonderful. This time, Thanks to the lovely and extraordinarily comforting and accomodating anesthisiologist ~ I did not get sick. I slept the entire day away... but, did not get sick. Always a bonus. She even stopped by my room the day after to see how I was feeling. That was the first time that an anestheologist took the time... to care. To show concern. It really was wonderful of her. She had a great bedside manner ~ joking with me... all the way to "lights out".
As for the surgeon, who was my previous "fellow" and Dr. ~ he "inscribed" his initials on my right leg... and gloriously preformed his task. He is Doc with a knack. Dr. Davis most definately loves his job! (which, is good for me :) ) He took out the tumor and sent it's "freshness" to the lab. So ~ let's hope that these cells mulitply in mass!!!
As for my recent tumors; the one's which were taken out from the last surgery and frozen... well... let's just say... that something "fishy" is going on... around the NIH. My Doc's mentioned that it was very "rare", when cells don't grow from the frozen ones. (very rare... denoted... with glances/stares which were undoubtably suggestive of foul play) ~ and the anesthesiologist comment: "let's hope that we don't have anymore freezer malfunctions"... only adds fuel to the fire.
So, assuming ~ foul play ~ was at hand ~ perhaps, it was not the fault of my previous tumor ~ to grow. I should have a great shot ~ this time! Keep those fingers crossed. Grow...grow...grow...
I'm still... very anxious~ and my anxieties continue to grow ~ with each passing day. I have never been so afraid of anything... in my life. The TIl treatment frightens me. I have heard and seen too many bad stories. Good one's too... of course. But, anyway: my discharge papers state: discharge diet: "high calorie, high protein" ~ you are underweight, so it is important that you include foods that have protein, fat, and carbohydrates, to keep you healthy and strong. Eat at least 1-2 slushies/milkshakes per day."
The goal is simple: gain weight. Eat. Eat. Eat!!!
If you have any suggestions on high calorie foods/diets/intake... they would be greatly appreciated. So far... I have been told that McDonalds milkshakes and hagaan das ice-cream are high in calorie content. I will so be off to the market... to whisp in the cart.. every imaginable high calorie food... just need to do my homework and prepare my list.
As for the ct scans... almost forget. What a great s.i.g.h... of relief. The tumor has not grown to such a dimension. It has grown... but... it is still relatively in the 3-4 cm area. It was lying on a muscle and around the lymphatic fluid pockets in the area ~ which made it look like such a great wall of mass. Very comforting to know indeed... basically, it means... that my disease has not taken on an aggressive nature... not nearly as aggressive or severe as thought. It is... still there... and pushing against many things... but, the stint is in... which has greatly alleviated the pain... and helped. I was very lucky. I did not got go into kidney failure. Although the stint is extremely discomforting... and makes me pee about a fifty times a day... it is doing it's job. Keeping me safe from harms way.
I do, often wonder what is next? What other organ can be and or will be affected... but... like my roomate would say: "one day at a day, one day at a time".
As for visitor's: Julie, I am so sorry that I missed you. My roomate said that you stopped by. Thank you so much for the lovely smelling candle ~ pumpkin spice. It brings about great delightful memories of Thanksgiving Harvest. Thank you soo much :) and Amy... you are a doll. To take your time to drive 2 hours out of your way... Thank You. It meant alot. I'm truly glad that we met. I promise to keep in touch. To everyone else: Thank you as well... for the continued thoughts and prayers... it keeps me going. I miss journaling my thoughts and recieving your correspondses. Greg ~ I have thought of you the most. I often don't know... what to say. I am at a loss for words. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through as a loving caregiver. I hope that get have a difficult time ~ with all of this. I often worry that it may bring back sad thoughts ~ it's a sensitive issue. I will be sure to e-mail very soon. I am still looking forward to those cups of tea!
Ok ~ oh... so ~ I was informed, that you can not participate in this trial ~ the TIL treatment without having a caregiver by your side. I know that my mom has offered... but, I am sure... that it would be greatly appreciated if she could often "take a break" ~ this really isn't any eaiser for her than I. So, I would greatly appreciated any/all to help ~ in any way. I am giving notice. I will find out in about 2 weeks if the cells are growing... if so... I will start the treatment in about 4 weeks or so...
Anyone willing... or who may be able to help out... all is welcome. Food for my mom while she stays at the lodge... babysitter for my daughter... anyone to help me... while going through treatments... (but, please do be reminded... it may be difficult... to see... watch... I may be very ill... and you will not be permitted to come in if you are ill yourself... I may be very malaise, unaware of your immediate presence, irritable, tired, sleepy, vomitting, nauseated, etc... etc...) enter the room... at your own risk!!! LOL.
Ok ~ to continue on...
yes, yes... so much to say....
I am looking into wigs. Yes, a wig. My roomate put one on~ and did she ever look sooo cute. Because of financial purposes... I believe I may only be able to get one... so I have posted some photo's of what I like... and will leave a poll for all of you... it should be fun! :) Can't wait to get the results! You are always welcome to find/add new one's! by the way... the arsenol of med's in the photo above... is just bit a glimpse of what they wanted to send me home with. I refused alot. I had ran across another woman's blogsite... cancerspot.org and she too had posted a photo of her med's... just to get her through... it was undaunting... when I actually saw it. Crazy. I joke and digress... I am starting a small pharmaceutical company!
Ok ~ gotta' run... got sooo much to do this... plus get caught up with much needed sleep. So much more to say... but for now ~ welcome back to my world.

P.S. this is breat cancer month... Awareness.

Awareness for all cancer's as far as I am concerned. Get checked and be informed.
The statistic's are high... and growing... by the year 2050 it is expected that HALF of all American's will be dx with cancer. Pretty staggering figure's. That's 1-2. Wake-Up America. Let's learn to save lives and prevent cancer.

PS.. let's keep Simone, from England...at www.cancerblog.easyjournal.com in our hearts and prayers. Please take the time to read his blog and send him a personal message via the link on the right ~ Thank YOU.

I love you All.
Take-Care