Thanks for waiting...

I'm sorry that it has been a bit since I have posted ~ but, I do Thank you all for your unwavering concern and support. Pre-chemo/TIL treatments I decided to "take a break" from cancer. I wanted to steer clear; stay as far away from the thoughts and emotions related to my upcoming experience.
I had several days which were to say the least, very rough ~ I'm not completely sure what the reason but I honestly do believe that the underlying problem was the fact that I tried to and decided to quit the morphine pain med's ~ cold turkey. I felt like crap ~ complete crap to be honest with you. Another one of those times when I had wished that I were dead.
I have been having quit a few of those days ~ which makes the surrealism of this entire journey all that more real. Indeed, the time has come to inform you that my the wheels are in motion. The NIH has called me and I am to start my journey with the TIL on December 3.
To say that I am scared ~ is a complete understatement. My mother has asked me if I am ready, she has said that she is. My truthful answer "no". How can someone ever be ready for such a harsh and toxic chemical treatment with side-effects that range all the way to death?
She then proceeded to mention my alternative: the inevitable with cancer: death.
Plain and simply, my answer; I am at peace, ready and prepared. I am no longer fearful of death and the taboo that our society has infringed and ingrained upon us about this topic.
I have come to peace with many issues in my life lately ~ which is what this time "out-away" was meant for and all about. Personal and interpersonal issues which I would like to address and resolve.
What saddens me the most, is that I will not have my "other half" by my side. I feel that it would be soooo much easier if I had a love in my life. I have longed for love throughout this entire journey and I know how difficult it is/must be for anyone to truly get involved with me.
Although, I do not completely understand... I try to. One of my downfalls is Love. This is the longest that I have went without. This is the longest and first time in my life that I have been given the opportunity to think about what I want. What I want for myself. Is it lonely? Absolutely. Do I want to share my life with someone ~ unequivacably, yes; without a doubt in my mind or heart.
For now, I will continue to stay strong and headfast on my own two feet. Cancer has taught me many things. I am learning how positive thought can influence your every need.
I have always been an optimist, that will never change. As Sir Winston Churchill stated: "I aman optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." I have always looked for the good in everything that surrounds me and now, for the first time, I am looking at myself; for the good that comes from within. I have alot to offer. We all do. Alot of good qualities ~ that are just beginning to be "tapped" into.
For the first time in my entire life ~ I am at peace. I am relaxed and at one with myself, nature, and the life that has been given to me.
I have finally come to realize that morphine and pain med's are needed to help control this disease, the tumours which are growing inside of me. It has been a very difficult path to walk along.
Most recently, I have found another larger lump in my right leg ~ which is undoubtably another tumour mass. As well, I have been having some pains in my brain ~ in three identified spots. It never gets any easier.
It is hard for others to believe or understand that just because I already have cancer that it is any easier to continue to find a new tumour... one after another; especially when you get rid of one and then another appears.
It is extremely discouraging, upsetting, and disappointing. Just as I have begun to embrace the fact that one tumour has been removed ~ another sets in in sheer dismial.
I understand that this treatment could "potential" be a cure ~ and for that matter, it is the only reason that I am taking the risk. As I have mentioned earlier ~ I am at peace with my death. There have already been many times when I had wished that I would no longer suffer and have wished for the bright lights at the end.
Culturally, the subject of death is not handled so well, it is treated as something "taboo", much like the issue of aging. I can honestly say, that I often look at elder's and think... I may never get the chance to experience the grace and wisdom that comes with aging. I may never get to experience gray hair and wrinkles back ache and pain! (lol... not that I haven't already experienced that) :)
Regardless, this is my journey~ through my youth and I have been very grateful to have experienced and shared it with you.
Now, onto the "reality" ~ which I have been avoiding throughout this post.
My tenative itinerary for December (pending there are no brain mets or other problems/complications)
It all begins on December 3. I fly out at 6 am to Baltimore. I am to be admitted to the NIH and have my bloodwork completed by 2. I have a ct scan at 3 and an mri at 7.
December 4. I am to have a very large and permanent catheder put into a vein in my chest which runs to my heart for all of the IV meds.
December 5-6. I will start my first bouts of chemo. Cytoxen. Which I was told is an extremely rough one. I will have anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids to help the bladder work properly. I will be asked to awaken every 2 hours to urinate ~ so that I may be watched for any infections or problems that may arise.
I was told that I will NOT be sleeping at all during this treatment and that is was going to be a rough one.
December 7. I will start another chemo called 5FU or flubedamen. This will been given over the course of the next five days. As the days begin to progress, I was told that I will begin to feel better and that I may even be well enough to get a day pass to leave the hospital to go out to eat or get a wig if I feel up to it.
December 12. My Cells will be given to me at noon. It is a one time 20 minute process, which is the heart and soul of this procedure ~ it is what will be the determining factor ~
it will as well, be another rough day.
but, I pray... that my cells are now working hard for this day. I pray that they are the cure, the miracle answer.
Two hours after this procedure, I will be given the IL-2. I was told that initially, it will not be as difficult to tolerate as before ~ simply because my immune system will be completely out ~ and it will not be trying to fight anything. Eventually, as it begins to reckognize my cells ~ I will have the same side-effects as I did before when I took this treatment.
Alone, this treatments was rough ~ I can't imagine... combined, how my body will tolerate all of this. I will keep up the positive thoughts and vibes ~
I continue to welcome your throughts and prayers ~ the power of one multiplied ~ has an expansive effect.
I will most definately be at the NIH on Christmas Day. I will not be able to be released until after Christmas, regardless of the outcome. This will be a Christmas to remember.
I do sooo much welcome any visitors, phone calls, cards, etc. It honestly will keep me going. I will have a notepad by the phone so that, if a nurse or someone is near ~ then can take a message or at least write down who has called.
The address of the NIH: (and my wonderful nurse correspondent, Kathleen Morton)
National Cancer Institute
c/o Kathleen Morton
Building 10-CRC, 3-1730
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

or

National Cancer Institute
Patient Mail 3NW
Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

the phone number to the nurses station to ask about me or get my room number and room phone number: 301-451-0789
You may call anytime day or night 24 hours a day. Someone is always there and more than likely, I will be be up at all/varying hours of the day and night.

I hope that I have covered it all. I hope that I haven't forgotten anything, but, I am sure that I probably have. For now ~ I leave you with the thought, that I am doing well ~ a little emotionally upset and scared to death ~ but, I am working on stay completely relaxed... focused, positive, and strong.
I hope that you too ~ are doing well. Have courage and continue to cultivate an openness and awareness to yourself and new things.

I loved this one:
"Masquearading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"~ anonymous.

take care my friends ~ Love, Becky. I will always be apart of your life; heart and soul.