Selfish Thought!!!

Where do I even begin this evening? ~ I have an incredible amount of energy and thought these days... I honestly don't know what to attribute it too...
Although, I am not getting much sleep ~ I am feeling well rested ~ yet, full of an abundance of wrestless energy. I've got soooo many ideas... and soooo many things that I want to do...
I don't know if it is because of the deep seeded rootful thought of the possibly limited time that I may have... or perhaps just the simple concept of an awakening to life.
WE have so many choices in life. So many decisions... which way do we go?
So many times, I find, that people aren't happy with themselves and with their life, and career choice.
I can say... that I was content with mine. I was, to say the least, extremely happy. I had a good job, a nice home, a wonderful family, and an honest and decent husband.
So, what happened? Did I, myself become uncontend? Unhappy with my life's choices?
Is it enough ~ so, that I could warrant the branding "selfish"?
This word seems to keep popping up these days ~ within my personal realm. I am told, that I "selfish" ... either, for my behavior or future plans.
It is, without a doubt; beginning to push me away... further and further.
At this point, in my life... I just want some Peace and Understanding. I'm not asking for sympathy or empathy; just mere understading... a relation to my personal thoughts.
If it is in The Power of: YOU ~ that you wholeheartidly believe in ~ you would have an understanding and support for other's. Regardless of what personal impact it may have in regards to YOU. Now, I ask ~ is this not in turn... what can be construded as "selfishness" in turn?
The Power of: YOU ~ is meant to help ~ not meant to aim ~ and thwart ~ negative thought and emotion.
In essence ~ yes, to some greater extent; we are all: at the mercy of our own egotic state.
So, what's the point of this evening's cyriptic message?
I am ~ who I am. I am as you see me to be; in your own eyes. I am nothing more or nothing less. I have valid feelings and emotions ~ that are, yes... extremely hightened; and often released.
I am a sensible, yet reckless being. I am strong and yet weak. I am a believer in the ultimate ~ thought ~ that everything has it's purpose and being.
I am a dreamer. I am a lover. I am one with nature. I am one with peace. I am a mother. I am resiliant and submissive. I am forgiving and forgetful. I am compassionate ~ yet bleak. I am hopeful and sorrowful. I am good and bad.
The point is... this IS me. The Ying and the Yang.
I know what I want out of life... that will not change... that, is not "selfishness"
That is my reality. That is my dream. That is my goal. That is my challenge. That is what I will pursue.
I have never felt so much resistance in all my life. But, regardless... it is only making me that much stronger... and not weak!
I will continue to explore my life and the greater possibilites within in.
I will shine ~ through ~
I know, that many of YOU ~ do believe. You do believe in the Power ~ and the guidance.
It signifies ~ change. It is dignity, in my wing.
My exploration ~ took plight ~ because of your beliefs. Your positive thoughts of power and prayer.
My awakening, continues to be an introspection of ~ self.
I LOVE what I see.
I have so many of you to thank ~ who believe in the absolute Power of: YOU.
You know who you are. You are beyond my shinning stars. You are my outreach and in turn... I become that for someone else, in need.
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~ alright, so, I went off on a tangent, that I honestly didn't even originally plan on posting...
I know that alot of my thoughts seemed jumbled and mixed or confused... or better yet, confusing... but, because they are personally related to me... in some manner of form... I try to do my best... to be somewhat discrete.
I have so many thoughts about so many topics... so much to yet do and say... yet, an unseemingly limited amount of time ~ to accomplish them all.
So, I must begin to prioritize... something, that I am working on..
In the meantime... in the world of cancer... I have gotten an appointment at the Hillman Cancer Center. It is scheduled after my appointment with the NIH in mid September. Wow, where has the time gone? ~ I can't believe that it is almost fall.
Anyway... I am quit busy these days... researching... my alternatives... therapies, approaches to life and treatment ~
it's daunting how much information is out there... yet, is not truly ~ "publically" availible.
A few things I've learned this week:
~for a good cleansing... add some lemon to your "natural water"
~don't drink the tap water... full of contaments!!!
~fruits, veggies... full of pesticides!!! (wash, wash, wash)
~buy organic ~(make sure it says: CERTIFIED organic, otherwise, it's NOT.)
~seek alternative methods to aid in your health and healing: ie: metaphysical; yoga, massage, accupunture, aromatherapy, colortherapy, natural wheats and greens, mind-body exploration...
There is a wealth of information out there... it is incredible. We are doing nothing more, than killing ourselves... with all the preservatives, meat, pesticides, etc... that we put in our bodies and in our daily lives... stress... is a killer.
I can't believe that I never took heed to actually living a truly healthier lifestyle.
I do welcome any and all suggestions and thoughts... new information... etc... I love it all...
Today, was the first day that I have ever heard of another natural aide: "paw paw" ~that is next on my list...to study!!!
~it's once again gettting late... and I am sure... that I am beginning to diverge...
my late night thoughts... are only but a few...
I will bid you good-night, or good-day...
~continue to believe in yourself... and seek out other's who... believe in you too.

A New Awakening...

I'm working on my new awakening... awakening in life... with life... (my new sense of self)
I'm learning and living. What more can anyone ask of themselves?

There is no particular answer book for any of us... for any of our dilemna's and problems. We can only live in the here and now... and try to do the best with ourselves and relations with other's.

At times, it becomes neceassary to evalute certain events and situations; and see themn for what they truly are. Not an easy task; especially when one is "emotionally" involved and charged.

Without a doubt, my continued belief in The Power of: YOU ~ holds steadfast. I do believe that you ultimatley can affect the life of another. Moreso, I believe for the good, rather than the bad.

I don't believe that anyone intentionally sets out to hurt another ~ but, it truly does happen. We wouldn't be human without the power of emotion and feelings. We would in essence... be a rock. A solid mass form...

We are intricate beings... complex and simple.

We can change the outcome of someone's day... with very little more or less than a few words or gestures.

Unselfishness is an act of gratitude. It is unthought or planned. It just is... it is, what it is... a random act of kindness out of the heart of a true, caring person.

Selfishness is an act that is, in essence, pre-meditated. An awareness of oneself... as superior to another. Selphishness, is the opposite of unselfishness... which does not reflect in The Power of: YOU ~ to make change. Not only within and of yourself, but with other's as well.

Unfortunately, as humans, we take many emotions to heart. And, perhaps, we allow those emotions to carry into effect ~ in our relationships with others. Its ego's defense.

A new awakening can only happen when we see ourselves, "our ego's" for what they truly are.

Yes, I have been reading Eckhart Tole's "Awakening to Your Life's Purpose"...

A very profound and intense read. Not to be taken lightly. To be ingested slowly... and with ease.

Naturally, it's hard to take a look at oneself from the outside in, or vice versa.

What do YOU stand for? What do YOU believe?

~this is just a bit of my rambling mind, this eve... (yes, some personal issues play a role ~ hey, I'm only human...)

*so, on another thought and note: (in relation to disease control) "According to the Journal of American Medical Association, medical treatment is the third-leading cause fo death after heart disease and cancer in the United States...

~Wow~ think about that...

Eckart Toole states that "Homeopathy and Chines medicine are two examples of possible alternative approaches to disease that do not treat the illness as an enemy and therefore do not create new diseases"... "The war against disease has given us, amongst other things, antibiotices... [and], that the widespread and indsicriminate use of antibiotics has created a time bomb and that antibiotic-resistant strains of bacteria, will in all likelihood bring about a reemergences of those diseases and possibly epidemics."

he continues to state that "war is a mind-set...[which ultimately] will either strenghten the enemy, the perceived evil, or if the war is won, will create a new enemy..."

~yes... the thought of chemo treatments continue to haunt me. I do not see good in completely taking out and whipping the bodies naturall immune system, only to feed it cells to try and help boost the immune system and destroy cancer cells; let alone, destroy good cells in the process...

the more I read... the more information that is out there... I questioned the position of my upcoming treatments.

I've got to believe that our body has a more "natural" way-approach to fight off the illness. One, which will not strenghten or destroy the enemy...thus, creating a new one.

That's my late night mindless retoric for this evening...
There's always some nonsense going on in that brain of mine!!! LOL...

Continue to keep The Power of: YOU alive and well.

PS... Greg, I sincerely look forward to sharing those three cups of tea.
Sending my Love to All

Golph Tour helps Raise Melanoma Awareness

Hi Becky I wanted to make sure you could see a picture of your story! Thanks so much in taking part of this event, you caught the eye of many of the golfers, and helped educate over 100+ people in this awareness event, so we thank you for your story. It was a successful day, and these stories made this so much more "real" to the players as they walked along and read how melanoma is affecting so many. Take pride in doing your part! Sending you healing hugs and many years of wellnessIn friendship~ JaneTHANKS!!!!

Jane: www.mpip.org (link can be accessed at the right side of page)



I am at it again! Trying to Raise Awareness about Melanoma. It's exilerhating to know, that I may actually be helping make a difference. It's a great feeling; knowing that some good may come from all of this. Not only am I participating in clinical trials and giving blood for studies, but I am as well... reaching out ~
Helping to Raise an Awareness about Melanoma. Bless all of those who have helped make this possible. Bless all who are warriors, survivors, caregivers, and beareaved.

We are making a difference! One story at a time. As I once mentioned in an earlier post; metasize like wildfire ~ get the word out there ~ let it spread ~ to help save lives.

Don't forget to continue to check your body for any changes in your moles/freckles. Also, be sure to watch for any new growths that may never have been there before. Check from head to toe and everywhere in between. Melanoma hides... and grows. If your unsure about something...don't second guess...get it checked. Be persistant! It is better to be safe than sorry. Insist on having a biopsy. Having a punch biopsy is seemingly painless...and is your first step to detection. An early dermatologist appointment can make the difference; literally, between life and death.

Man, what's going on?!!!

I guess you could say... I've been doing a bit of reminiscing these days. Taking a look back at my stored digital photo's. I must say, I LOVE finding the ones with my daughter happy, smiling, and with the wind blowing her hair in her face. There's something to say to life in action and motion.
The photo depicts the best of everything that I cherish the most. My daughter, first and foremost, the sea/ocean/lake, and the great outdoors/nature. Give me a small shack by the beach with a hammock, and I will die happy! :)
The photo was taken at Cedar Point Amuseument Park in Sandusky Ohio. My ALL TIME FAVORITE place for thrill rides galore! Man, what's going on here?!!! I haven't even made it there once this year. I ALWAYS get there at LEAST once, if not two or three times a season. There is something about the thrill of the adrenaline ~ the rush ~ of being on "top of the world" ~ if only for a brief moment or two. It's an incredible feeling. It's an awesome sight. You can see the water for miles in every direction when you are at the peak of a roller coaster.
So many changes. So many decisions. Life has thrown me for a curve! But, hey, I'm not complaining. In all actuality, I'm glad. I'm really glad. It has made me awaken. It has made me see that life is for the living ~ and that we should make the best and most of it. We should learn to conquer our fears. We should overcome our greatest obstacles. We should livestrong and learn from our failures and mistakes.
It's been very difficult coming to grips with alot. I believe that I worked very hard to get the point where I was at in my life, prior to cancer. I was just finally "getting it together". I worked hard 8 years to obtain a career status at my job. I was determined and motivated! Wow, ~ and for the person who simply enjoys the outdoors ~ to actually be able to work outside and get paid for it ~ what more could you ask for in life? Fresh air and exercise on a daily basis.
I do believe, that the time has come; an end to an era. A brief, one at that. No sooner, did I start my job ~ only to set sail into the horizon of change. I'm not sure, what is next. My oncologist is pretty insistant on putting me complete disability. Too many factors for me to weigh at the current moment with my health issue.
I honestly don't believe that I am ready to "give it up" ~ give up a life of what I consider: normalacy and consistancy. Not that, the life that I am now living isn't "normal" per-say; but, in a different way. I am adjusting to my new routines... dr.s visits, traveling, scans, treatments, anticipation and anxiety over results, etc... etc...
When your world is turned upside down ~ and topsy turvy... well, it tends to make you reflect and remanise. I'm ready for change ~ I'd imagine. I've got a great deal to contemplate. It may be nearing a point where a major change in life's "normalicy" may take place.
We are all, somewhat, in controlling of our lives. We make decisions on a daily basis that inadvertantly effect not only ourselve, but other's. And, when you begin to see the "bigger" picture ~ it gets that much harder. Especially when, you realize that YOUR time is limited ~ and YOU would honestly like to do and be where YOU want.
It's hard not to think that "selfishness" plays a role... but, then again... we are all only human. We know what dreams and goals we have. They will always be there. Lurking beyond... it's a matter of what we do with them.
I Loved Dr. Randy Pausch's message: "live your childhood dreams". ~ a simple statement, yet; we make it such a complex thought. We can make change... and we can make a difference.
I've been touched by the Power of: YOU. You have brought tears to my eyes, once again... your unselfish gratitude marvelous me; beyond all. We are a beautiful race. YOU, are an amazing person!
Keep the faith ~ and stay strong ~ in your everyday adventures in life.
Live and Love. Laugh and cry. Let the wind blow in your face... and feel LIFE.

Daughter's

Before you ask... No! I am not a Harley Rider!!! (lol...) I have actually only ever taken a bike ride twice in my life ~ and, I wouldn't even call it a ride! I made it around several blocks each time!
We visited a Harley shop several years ago ~ and finding this photo reminded me ~ of a time with my daughter that life seemed so easy. It's been a bit difficult on her lately. She's a talker by nature... and has become a "clam" about the topic/issue of my cancer.
I've gotten to a point ~ where, I've come to realize that life... IS too short. To short to waste time on the remedial and mundane. We waste alot of time and energy "bickering" about the "little" things.
My world has opened to a completely different tune. I know, that teenage years, are very difficult as is; and on top of all ~ is a terminal illness, that my daughter must face.
I believe that she is distancing herself from me. I know, that I too, perhaps have done the same over the past year to many in my immediate family. (Not purposely, or deliberatley) ~ but, from what I have read; it is a "natural" occurence amoungst cancer patients and family.
I have read that many marriages do not make it through a cancer diagnosis. It's not easy ~ to say the least. Perhaps distance is our way of not "dealing" with the issues at hand. Whatever the reason ~ I do believe, that everything has it's purpose in time.
Perhaps it is too help my daughter learn to live and be on her own ~ a bit more independant. We were very close. Now, we are drifting... slowly drifting. I am a very patient person ~ as, I am sure, so too, is my dauther. She has endured alot over the course of the past several years.
I can only hope, that through my eyes, she will someday see and realize the unconditional love that I felt. I promised her, that I would fight... this. Fight... and be around for her. My sorrow lies in her future.
I was asked: "are you afraid of death"? ~ at one point, I was. I avoided it, like the plague. These years have helped me come to grips with the inevitable. Our definative end. I no longer fear death, as I once did. But, I do fear; the life, that my daughter may have, without me.
Perhaps, I too, am being a bit selfish... I would love nothing more, than to be around to aggrivate her more!!! (lol...)
I will keep my pledge ~ I continue to seek any and all alternative treatments. Hey, I tried the wheatgrass ~ I'm up for anything! Someone just recently told me to take a bathe/soak in hydrogen peroxide; apparently, it is supposed to help melanoma patients...
I welcome ALL suggestions... and comments...
PS... my dearest daughter, I LOVE YOU WILL ALL MY HEART AND SOUL.

Alive

Just stopping in to say "hello"! I just wanted to say "I love you all..." ~ yes, each and everyone of you, my reader's! YOU give me, a great sense of satisfication! I have always had a passion for wrighting ~ and someone recently made a statement that hit home. It was brought to my attention that I don't always post everyday ~ and that often I loose the interest of my reader's when I don't keep up. An analogy was made; similar to that of a newspaper article ~ where as, you look forward and/or begin to expect the column or post for your pleasurable read.
I'm honored that many follow my posts. I will TRY... mind you, the word is try...to do my best an submit some form of gibberish, each day. It's often hard. Especially, after test results and various other "human" factors. I often find myself at a loss for words... or, graver yet... I fear ~ you would be reading the "stormier" side of my emotions and thoughts.
Should I put it all out there? That has been the unaswered question. It's a toss up. Many don't want to honestly hear, the truth. Not, that I try to "sugar-coat" it... but some disgression is advised. I read somewhere recently, that a book about Cancer wouldn't be a top seller if it were too morbid in nature. Makes sense...sure. True, but I often wonder if the newly diagnosed cancer patient would be better equipted and well-informed.
I met a wonderful young woman, in the lavoratory of a building recently. I couldn't help but notice that she had a shaved head and a Livestrong bracelet on. She was also talking to someone about the reason why she shaved all her hair off. It was a completely motivating and touching story.
Her grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and was going through chemo. On about the third day of treatment (which is when you begin to loose all your hair) she had lost all of her hair and was devasted and cryed for days. The young lady wanted to do something to show her grandmother how much she really cared. So, she happily shaved her head too. She told her grandmother that she couldn't let her go through this alone and that if anyone had anything to say to her about her baldness, she wouldn't care anyway.
The Power of: YOU is alive. Alive and well. A random stranger ~ doing a far greater deed than is neceassary or asked. We chatted a bit and yet, another person in passing joined our conversation: her words of advice: "Just Talk". That's it. "Just Talk". Find somebody to talk to.
As I was driving along, I read a sign that stated: "A listening ear will never get in trouble".
Simple and Sweet.
God Bless YOU all!!! Take care of yourselves and each other!

Rebecca Swender

Rebecca Ann Swender, 12/07/71 - 06/14/2008
Rebecca Ann Swender was the most amazing person I have ever known. By far one of the most intelligent people I’ve met and in addition; beautiful, funny, elegant, stylish, and wonderful to be around. Becca, as she was known to her friends, was born in Syracuse, New York in 1971. She lived in the Philippines for two years when her family was stationed there, when she was very young. Raised back in Syracuse, she excelled in high school and was involved in a lot of extracurricular activities, including lacrosse and theater. Her favorite activity was swimming and she was the captain of the high school swim team. She graduated from Wesleyan University in 1995 majoring in Film and Religious Studies.


After working in the film industry in New York City she sought more out of film and was accepted to the University of Wisconsin Film graduate program, eventually pursuing a PhD. Becca was a great teacher and made a big impression on a lot of her students, often cited as the best instructor they had in college.

Though she was very prolific in her studies, she made time for a well-rounded life, being involved with many other things. One of her favorite activities was rollerblading or biking through Madison. Becca was also the kind of person who always thought of her friends, which is probably why she has so many close friends from all different stages of her life. Becca also had a very special, very loved four-legged friend, Matilda, whom she rescued from a kennel in Detroit through Shar-pei Savers. Together the three of us made a small but loving “pack,” and I shall cherish these times the most. The most important thing to Becca was her wonderful family, whom she saw as often as she could.

Becca was in the middle of research for her dissertation when she was first diagnosed with stage 1 melanoma. The initial site was not very deep and no one expected the sentinel node biopsy to come back positive, but it did. For two years Becca fought melanoma, which recurred solely in her left leg. She endured interferon shots for one year, had five surgeries, and became a part of a vaccine trial at NIH. All this time, she was still doing research, for film and melanoma, and up until the spring semester of 2008, she taught classes at UW. At the beginning of this year she completed two cycles of Interleukin (IL-2) at NIH, when she developed a severe pain in her leg that worried the NIH doctors. Further test revealed that the cancer had spread to her bones, liver, lungs, and brain.

Becca fought very hard, right up to the end. The drugs administered made her very tired, sometimes so much that she couldn’t wake up. But at the sound of someone crying she would sit up and comfort them. She passed away on June 14th surrounded by her family, Matilda and myself, exactly the way she wanted. Rebecca was a very caring and tender person, who, though very private, touched a lot of lives very deeply.

-Written by Alex Andre
This article and information on the fundraiser can be found at www.annshope.org
please scroll down the page and look for the story on Rebecca Swender
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Rebecca, by far, is an inspirtion to me. Although our time together fighting this disease was short, it is not far lived. She continues to be my guiding light. ~ Becky

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My results from my recent Pet Scan are as stated:
Findings:
There are two tiny foci of increased activity in the medial aspect of the right thigh. The patient had a biopsy there one month ago. The distribution of the radiopharmaceutical was otherwise unremarkable. No abnormal activity was seen in the chest, abdomen or pelvis. The ct shows a 3 cm in diameter fluid collection in the right inguinal area corresponding to the foci of abnormal activity. In addition there is a small curvilinear focus of increased activity to the right side of the bladder. On the ct scan there are clips deep in the right iliac fossa in the region of this curvilinear focus. No other abnormal sites are seen in the chest, abdomen, or pelvis.
Conclusion:
Increased activity right inguinal area and iliac fossa.
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There is the report! ~ I will need to wait until my next visit to the NIH in September before anything conclusive.
It's always a matter of waiting...
I just thought that I would post the results for any who are interested. Now, if you can read and decifer all that "mumbo-jumbo" (lol..) please do let me know!!! LOL... I know that pet's often show "false-positive's" ~
but, I am looking at the good news: it has not spread to any major organs ~ liver, lungs, brain... that is a big relief in itself.
The only upsetting news... my oncologist stated that there is "no cure" at this stage of my disease; especially since it is on a major artery. However, I believe that I already knew this... there is always faith, hope, and belief... for a CURE.

Good News ~ Not so Good News

Gene therapy transforms cells into tumor killers
Experimental treatment saves two men dying of end-stage melanoma


Origer family via AP
Mark Origer, 53, of Watertown, Wis., his daughter Katie at her wedding last fall, an event he had feared he wouldn't live to see. Origer underwent an experimental gene therapy for his end-stage melanoma and is disease-free almost two years later.


updated 5:10 p.m. ET, Thurs., Aug. 31, 2006
WASHINGTON - Mark Origer entered the last-ditch experiment hoping to beat back his melanoma for a few months, long enough to walk his daughter down the aisle. He got far luckier: Almost two years later, his body shows no signs of the aggressive skin cancer.

Government scientists rescued Origer and one other man with advanced melanoma by genetically altering their own white blood cells to turn them into tumor fighters.

The treatment didn’t help 15 other melanoma victims. So scientists are trying to strengthen it to work better.


Still, the National Cancer Institute called its experiment, unveiled Thursday, the first real success in the long quest for gene therapy for cancer — because it fought the disease’s worst stage, when it had spread through the body, not just single tumors.

And it did so in a way far different than today’s standard options, by harnessing patients’ immune systems to continually search out and kill tumors.

“It’s not like chemotherapy or radiation, where as soon as you’re done, you’re done,” said Dr. Steven Rosenberg, the NCI’s surgery chief who led the research published Thursday by the journal Science. “We’re giving living cells which continue to grow and function in the body.”

Doctors can’t predict how the therapy’s first two successful patients will fare long term. Melanoma, which kills almost 8,000 Americans annually, is notorious for returning years after patients think they’ve subdued it.

“I’m cured for now,” is how a grateful Origer, 53, of Watertown, Wis., puts it.

He recalls his doctors’ wide grins when, just a month after his December 2004 treatment, his tumors started to shrink. By his daughter’s wedding last fall, just one small cancerous spot remained, on his liver. Surgeons later cut it out. A checkup from NCI doctors this week confirmed that Origer is still cancer-free.


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Life is so full of amazing and inspirational people and stories. It's unbelievable, how greatly disperse we are and how vastly populated this continent is ~ yet; in the midst of it all ... we seem to find one another.
It's incredible. Truly incredible. The compassion and outreach that we, as human beings, give to one another; especially in times of need. The Power of: YOU ~ is Alive! I've been touched, once again.
I can remember, about two years ago, when I was in the "midst" of my newely dx stage and didn't know where to turn. I was just about to have my first visit to the NIH to see if I qualified for any of their clinical trials; when, my daughter brings home here Science Weekly Reader. She remember hearing the conversations about the NIH and Dr. Rosenburg's new gene therapy treatments. Low and behold, there she was... bringing home an article about Dr. Rosenberg and how he cured a fellow Melanoma patient; Mark Origer. I remember the day well. Quit vividly, actually. I remember Mark's story, and how grateful he was to see his daughter walk down her wedding isle.
The story brought much faith and hope in light of our circumstances. And, so, now, here I am almost 2 1/2 years later... wrighting to YOU ~ I know, and believe, that if it weren't for Dr. Rosenberg and his studies... I wouldn't be alive today. I continue to believe... Faith, Hope, and a whole-lot of other factors are on my side!
The amazing part ~ so too, is Mark Origer! He read my "Benefit for Becky" story, contacted me via e-mail, and has called me personally to say "Hello"... just to let me know, to keep up the faith... that he owes his life to Dr. Rosenburg and the NIH.
Without a doubt, I too ~ owe the time that I have been given to the same team of wonderful people at the NIH. I can't say enough, much like Mark.
I'm touched by his compassion. I'm touched by YOUR compassion. YOU continue to make a difference. It means alot ~ to someone in need. Even the simpliest of things... as calling to say "hello" ~
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I as well, unfortunately, on another sad note; was informed that a woman that I briefly met at the NIH at the request of a friend ~ recently passed. I had mentioned her in an earlier blog posting. She was unsure of what she should do with the last of her time ~ she had mentioned that she wanted to sell her car and travel the US. I do so, honestly hope that she full-filled her last wish.
It's never easy to hear of the passing of another fellow Melanoma Warrior. Even brief encounters touch the heart and soul. I'm glad that I was able to stop in her room at the NIH even to just say "hello" on a friends behalf ~ I know that it meant alot to both parties ~ and as well ~ to me ~ it's the power that we all posses to make a slight difference.
Continue to Believe. Continue to Fight. Continue to Stay Strong. Never Give Up. Never Loose Faith.
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~and yet, tonight will be another restless night ~ my scan results should hopefully be in tommorrow at my oncologist appointment ~ anxious anticipation... I am waiting... nervously.

Pet Scan Today...

Good Morning All!!! I'm up bright and early!!! Trying to drink my 2 full glasses of water on a completely empty stomach... I'm not much of a morning person to begin with... and I rarely eat much breakfast; let alone drink much. So, do try and down several glasses of water is somewhat of a task. But, hey... at least this one's not so bad... I've had to drink worse!!!
So, I thought I'd post a photo for those of you who have not been fortunate enough to experience a Pet Scan! This is what she looks like. The hospital actually has to bring it in a seperate trailer! It travels around... and the appointment takes several weeks in advance to schedule.
Luckily, this scan is relatively easy to prepare for and I will only be injected with a relatively small amount of radio-active dye today. I can't tell you how many times now, that I've actually been "Radio-active". The after taste isn't the best...that warm metalic taste on your tongue, and in your taste buds... kind of ruins things for a bit; but, it subsides. All will be well.
The process takes up several hours of your time. Overall, you learn to relax... (if you truly can, while enclosed in a tube that is magnified!!) ...and hope for the best. Today's scan is a full body ~ minus the brain. (Thank heavens...because I'm claustraphobic!) We are looking for tumour growth in my pelvis; which is where a small 7mm portion of cells were left after my last surgery ~ "unresectable" ~ they are on a major artery. We are also looking for any further evidence of disease or spread of the disease (scary thought, I must say).
I'm optimistic! Hopeful, and optimistic. Although, I would like to get this show on the road! It takes 8mm of tumour growth to show up on a scan ~ and the NIH (National Cancer Institue) is "waiting to see" ~ That's another one of those cancer terms...
"wait and see" ~ Now, that one, really racks the nerves!!! (lol)...
anyway, back to my train of thought... ahhh, yes... The NIH must have/"see" on a scan a "measurable" sign of disease before any treatment options can be discussed and decided upon. (It's a process)
In the meantime, I wait. I wait... to see... and hope and pray...that I have done the best and my body has tried the best... to keep the "beast" at bay. I'm ready to go... I'm ready to get my next dreeded treatment over with. I'm not going to lie... I'm not "really"; well, mentally ready... but, I'm getting there! She's going to be a rough one. 1 week of chemo, followed by 1 week of my (yes, my cancer cells grown in mass) put back in me, followed by 1 week of IL-2 (again...). A month long treatment, at which time, I will be admitted and staying at the NIH in Bethesda, MD.
I'm going to loose all my hair...without a doubt...it's inevitable, and that's really what's been bothering me the most... but, hey, I'll get over it! I'm really hoping and looking forward to getting some really COOL bandanna's and scarves!!!
That's what I've decided I'm going to wear ~ no wigs ~ no hats ~(for some odd reason, ball caps and hats give me terrible headaches). Anyway... if anyone has any really neat ideas, or have seen some sweat looking bandanna's or scarves... let me know. I'm the kinda' gal who likes to wear "stuff" that no one else has. I'm not a "status que" kinda' girl!!! LOL...
Better stop the rambling... time is coming near... got to go...

"Living in the Flow"

Nature has a powerful affect on the soulful spirit. If you honestly take the time to relax...listen and enjoy, you will hear her calling to you. Mother nature is full of beauty and surpise. I have found such peace, solitude, and solace within her confines. The Power of: You; is an introspection. A look at yourself, from within and out. Our inner beauty is a clear crystal blue; awaiting the moment in time to glorify. We are spectacles of our own. We shine brightess when all is "in the flow". Living our lives in a paradox delight.
Nature's bountiful glory ~ is abound in us all. Whether or not, you decided to tap into that flow; is ultimately up to you. You are the only one who has the power to change. The power to make change; happen within yourself.
Delight in the simpliest of pleasure's. Delight in your life. Look for the good, which surrounds you. Look for the light in your life. Be true to your inner inclinations. Stay steadfast and bound. Never say never.
"Let your thoughts flow freely" ~ "forget about fighting life or trying to be something else; allow yourself to be like the material compound that comprises every aspect of your physical being"... WATER.
Flow freely ~ flow light.

I've come to realize that we tend to overemphasize the mundane. I've witnessed it firsthand. I've been a victim and privy to circumstance. My flow is much like an undertoe ~ it is present ~ and if, it is not feared ~ it can take your life.
You have the power to stay afloat and help other's in fear.

I know that my blog takes on many directions, and perhaps it is not all said in clear perspective thought, but the message is there ~

We are all only human. Our existence upon this earth, is only temparary. You have the power to make the most and best of it, or you choose to dwell on the mundane; worthless drama of life. YOU, and only you ~ can make your own happiness.

Remind yourself each day, to nourish your "living flow"

Reminiscing...

I know that this is a photo that I once posted before; what seems like such a long, long time ago. It was taken after I first watched Kris Carr's movie: Crazysexycancer. It was also during a time when I was corresponding with Becca from mpip.(Melanoma patients information board) We were corresponding alot, trying to decided wether or not, we such both do the IL-2 treatments. We were both nervous, scared, and unsure. With alot of input and insight; we both seperately, yet simotaneously decided to do the treatment. We coordinated with our research nurse at the NIH (National Cancer Institute) so that we could start at about the relatively same time. We were both at stage III at that time.
While sending e-mails back and forth to one another; I made a greeting card with a picture of the movie cover. I simply put: "This is our Life".
The cover is a represenative picture of Chris with her opens open wide ~
It had great significance to me ~ it was our life. It was the journey that we were about to experience and share.
Becca gave me great strength, as did Peter. They will both forever be missed. Becca was doing her IL-2 treatments across the hall from me, while Peter was doing his TIL treatment behind my room.
In random moments; we had glimpses of one another, in a passing of time, that felt so surreal. It was unlike any other experience ever. The halls of 3NW at the NIH will never be the same again, for me.
Time, will carry on. I am sure to meet many other's in my course and path with treatment life ~ but, one thing is for sure ~ it will never be quit the same. They were, and continue to be, my shinning stars.
I miss them both. Dearly.

Restless thoughts...

I am overwhelmed with a surge of emotions... perhaps it is just "nervous" anxiety; regardless, it is a "mood" that conflicts with~ what I dare say: "living reality".
I should explain. I have been reading Kris Carr's book "crazysexy cancer tips"; and in it, she explains that "some people are very superstitious, [about cancer] when it comes to talking openly about the disease, as if words themselves carry potential harm." It is like I have mentioned before in my posts; much like Kris continues to say: "there is nothing taboo about cancer, and it certainly isn't contagious". It is true... I often feel as though "cancer patients are made to feel it's socially inappropriate to be cancer patients. [That "we" are] expected to file the reality away in some far-off emotional safe so that other people can enjoy their fresh pea soup in peace".
Ok ~ I wouldn't necessarily have chosen the phrase "fresh pea soup" ~ but I wholeheartidly agree. People do tend to back away. Not only from the topic or discussion of cancer; but as well, literally. Many of my conversations with people have ended quit abruptly, when I raise cancer as MY topic of interest. It's honestly become annoying beyond all belief.
I'm not saying that people aren't compassionate; because, believe me; they truly and honestly are. Sympathetic and empathetic; absolutely. However, it would be soooo much more wonderful if in "we" could seriously address and "bridge the gap"; as I mentioned in an earlier post; between our reality and yours.
"We" live in a world; unlike any other. Consiously, on a daily basis, we are aware of a disease, from within that is battling to take over. In the meantime; we "literally" are trying to fight for our lives. All the while ~ the world still goes around. We watch seemingly "normal" people live their lives with little hesitation or regard to a "bigger, brighter picture". The "swoop of life" has taken hold. Granted, I was once in that realm ~ in the frolic and hustle, bustle of everyday life; without regard. I came and went. But now ~ I am torn between your world; "the swoop of life", and that of a cancer patients.
The phone calls are once again beginning to flood in... "this is a reminder call, that you have a 9 o'clock appointment...on such a such a date...don't forget to fast for several hours...make sure you drink plenty of water...[ooohh...and yes...this one...] don't forget your medical insurance card! If I could only count the number of times I have heard that one.
Yes, my surge of restless emotion is getting the better of me. I can no longer sit at peace. I feel, I must speak. I feel I must speak about the TRUTH. The reality. The conflict between a our world and yours. Kris Carr's book touches upon many wonderful truths. However, I must honestly say; that many of "us" cancer patients don't really fall into her core. She has yet to undergo any type of cancer treatment ~ and let me tell you ~ that's a world of it's own... {I will save that one for another day} I'm glad that someone has actually wrote a book about the many faucted stages and states a cancer patient goes through... but, there is soooo, soooo, much more.
For now, I will leave you with my restless ramblings. My upcoming PET scan has stirred up my core of thought once again. It has reminded me... that the "swoop of life" is once again, about to end; and the reality of a cancer patient's life, is about to begin.
So, if your in that same "limbo-land" state ~ I can empathisize; and, if not ~ I can understand.

{photo is a depiction that I took at the very beginning of all this... I must have known then... everything seems to be "black and white"; with two diffinate sides}

Where does my heart lie? ~somewhere between here and there~

I think that it is finally time to change to direction of my thought of my postings. I feel so much better... almost "freed"... if that makes any sense?! I don't think it was that I was trying to be something that I am not ~ because, I wasn't. I am, by far... a very strong individual. Ok, so, you want me to say "woman" ... lol... so be it. I AM. I am damit... and I'm tired of hearing that I need to be more positive. My god, how much more positive can I be? I mean... take a look at me?!!! Have you read my posts? Have you gotten the vibe? Ok, so, surely, family and friends could and should understand that there is a very difficult part of life, that I am trying to deal with here. I mean... aren't they supposed to be the one's of ALL... if any... to understand. To listen... and UNDERSTAND. Quit telling me... that I am morbid...I can live for another 20 years... my cells can reverse themselves...miracles can happen, etc...etc... "blah-blah-yah-yah"...
I GOT the picture. I'm NOT being morbid. PERIOD. I am being REALISTIC. When a Doctor tells you that you have a 50-50 chance, you are "high-risk", etc. etc.. you've got to learn to ACCEPT. PERIOD. That is it. Plain and simple. I don't want to hear... "think positive"... "you will outlive them all"... "you will be the one"... but then again, on the other hand... I don't want doom and gloom. Please... just LISTEN to what I am trying to discuss with you. Listen to what I am saying.
I have been doing alot of reading. ALOT. I've taken in quit a bit from many other's perceptions and perspectives. Yes, mainly cancer patients; naturally. The consensus... "we"; I'll refer "us...cancer patient's herein as "we"... tend to be a bid "picky, finacky, fickle"... whatever else you may want to call it. Tempermental? perhaps... we have alot on our plates. Yes, honestly... we don't want to hear the mumble jumble bs... it's goina' be alright...your going to be ok...your going to outlive us all...your cells can do this...your body can do that...WE KNOW. WE KNOW. We know. We have heard it all and read it all. Well, ok... metaphorically speaking. Of course, you didn't think, literally so, now, did you?!
Thank you for the last two posts... they very well, may have taken this blog into a completely different realm... the realm of the "REAL"... the realm... where, truth be told..."we"... have alot to say. Alot that we don't say... because... well... to tell you the truth... WE can't. Your not LISTENING. Dam, I wish I could broadcast my thoughts as I write... you just don't get the asthetics!!! Even if I did... my articulation... would stink!!!
So, oh, where was I ~ in my train of "thought"... hmmm... ahh... yes... somewhere between here and there ~ Thanks Johnny... it looks as though you are having a GREAT TIME. LIVE IT UP!!! (Do what you want to do. Do for yourself. Live for today.) I wish we could all live up to this motto. Why do we hold back? Why do we seek the approval of others? Why don't we just enjoy ~ what we like?
So, my heart lies somewhere between the Atlantic and the Pacific. The photo that I posted, along with a recent e-mail from my Brazilian Family requesting I come visit ~ (which they have been trying to get me to do for over 20 years now) ~ got me thinking...
The photo reminded me of Sao Paulo... beautiful. I love the ocean. The sea. The breeze. The sun. The warmth. The spirit of nature and all it's glory. The peaceful calm. It is a solace to my soul. It is now, what drives me. Drives me to the attainment as what; Dr. Randy Pausch states: "living your childhood dreams" ~
My heart lies therein. My cancer diagnosis has brought me closer and closer to this realization. I am drawn. I will no longer be thwarted thoughts of worry and discouragement.
I'd imagine, that The Power of: YOU ~ was really meant, to be; a means of realize. A way to open yourself ~ and to find where your heart lies. I'm glad that Johnny is at peace. ENJOY, each and every moment; and for all the "nay-sayers"... LIFE must go on! After all, it is OUR LIFE. Our one an only life, and if, for some odd reason, cancer has helped us realize that we need to truly learn to live... SO BE IT!!! LIVE ON!!! ~take those with you, who care; see and believe; and leave all other's (dare I say "crabs" behind) ~ lol...yes, I'm laughing...

What am I trying to say?!

I'm feeling a bit nastolgic. I'm not sure why. Perhaps its because I have decided to take a break from my mpip bulletin board community. Or, perhaps its because I am just not feeling so well. Either way; one can never know, what brings upon certain changes in mood.
I have been trying really hard to keep myself occupied; which helps in keeping my mind off the issue of cancer. I don't want to bore you; my reader's with mundane, restless, and repeatative thoughts. Especially about my most inner feelings.
It's funny ~ yet odd, but not strange... that this can be picked up by others. I had recieved a personal e-mail from a friend... who said... now really... remember, I went through this... if there is anything that you would like to talk about... you can.
I've been thinking about that statement alot. I've been wondering... alot... about the purpose and ultimate goal of this... my blogspot. I never really wanted to share...all the sad emotions. The true to life... day to day struggles. We've all got them... now don't we? Who wants to hear and or read more?
Cancer is thought to be such a dreadful topic for discussion. Honestly, who really wants to take the time to sit and listen to the ramblings and confessions of someone who's sick? Our own mortality is incomprehensible enough... yet, let alone... to deal with another's?!
I often find myself counterdicting myself in my blog posts. Perhaps its sheer confusion? Or, is it partial denial? A way to communicate with the other side? Or a means to an end?
Whatever it is, that I am trying to accomplish; I will. I have always believed that "everything happens for a reason". Now, don't ask me what that reason may be; I may not know now, or ever. But, I do believe, that I was "chosen" to have cancer for a reason; one that is far greater and comprehensible than ever.
For that matter, we are all given obstacles and challenges in our lives to contend with. It's how we choose to meet the challenge and proceed. I firmly believe that holding a blindseye will only decieve. So, if I sound a bit strange, bewildered, or confused; that's because I am! I will proceed with caution. Be beware, I will move on.
Tommorrow is yet another day ~ to be thankful for.

Ordinary People

I've been meeting some truly uplifting and inspirationsl woman, and yes, men as well; along my path in life and journey with cancer. From the east coast to the west and from the north to the south.
I, by no means have attached any differential status in the que of life. I am just an ordinary gal with a a "touch" of cancer and a new found gypsy life! So, I wonder, like many of you do, where does this ordinary gal fit into it all? Where do you and I fit into the grande scheme of it all?
As human beings, we are naturally "social" creatures. By nature, we have a need for social contact and interaction with others. Tribes, families, friends, and even quaint encounters which effect and compromise our existance in totality.
We are all hoping for a satisfactory level of enlightenment by and through our network. We idolize the Hollywood "stars"; people with whom we have never even met, let alone shared any type of dialogue. Their hype and rave formulates, revolves, and perculates in our minds; in turn, making us want a glimpse of it all. In turn, making us seek such attainment.
The Power of: YOU must permeate from within. You must first learn to rely on no one but yourself. You must find your happiness from within your inner desires. The voice of an ordinary gypsy gal is merely a significant "cheer" to aide you- and your village of family of friends is your support and guide.
You must use your resources well, for they are and will be your "hype" in life. As Madonna's lyrics state: "Get up on your feet" ~ and make a stance! Know that YOU can make a difference from coast to coast; "sea to shinning sea".
Believe in yourself and The Power of: YOU!
Know that you are a precious gemstone ~ unfauceted, awaiting to become a bright shinning jewel!

WELCOME!

HELLO!!! WELCOME!!!
My name is Becky!!! I'm the gal in the photo on the far left. Next to me is my cousin Beth, then my aunt Maryann, and on the far right hand side, my one and only daughter, Jennifer! We were out for an ice-cream social!!!
As many of my reader's are aware, I am spending some time with my family and for all of you who are new ~ this post is for YOU!
WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME!!!
To all of the Team members, family, and friends of team Evotri ~ Thank-YOU! I hope that your recent triatholon was a great personal success and triumph! To all of the coast to coast postal employeess ~ Thank-YOU for taking an interest and the time to visit my site. To all other's ~ by any other means of finding of my site ~ I Thank-YOU as well ~
I am besides myself this week. Not only am I getting to spend some precious time with my family and daughter, but I am as well; inadvertantly reaching out to help raise and awareness about Melanoma.
June 2008 my extraordinary friends and co-worker's alike held a "Benefit for Becky" to help raise funds to offset my finances. It was a wonderful success and can be viewed if you scroll through the archives. Needless to say, at this time, a writer for the United States Postal Service did a relatively small piece on the event. I am now thrilled to inform all, that it has gone Nationwide. From coast to coast; east to west; Canada to Mexico!
Not only is an Awareness for Melanoma being raised through this venue, but as well, through the website of two truly amazing individual's sights. Greg at write2fight, and Tracy of throughth3wall.
I will continue to post with pride, determination, sheer strenght, and delight!
I welcome your thoughts, comments, suggestions, questions, prose, photo's, and random jiberish alike!
This site is for ALL. Not just for those affect or afflicted by cancer. The Power of: YOU taps into the best of all.
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A few important messages and reminders:
"it's not just skin cancer. It is Melanoma. It is a deadly form of cancer."
PLEASE help educate yourself and other's about the importance of staying safe in the sun.
I look forward to hearing from YOU and I hope that you continue to enjoy the posts!

"journaling is an inexpensive way to give yourself therapy". Kris Carr

LIVESTRONG ~ Lance Armstrong