Theres so much to tell. So much on my mind. How do I tell you? Do I show you? Do I tell you? Do I dare talk to myself and look like a foul? Do I dare reenact only to know that I really dont know. Dont know if your watching or even there. How do I know your real? How do I know your even there? I dont know and I wont know. There once was a time that you were here and saw what I saw. Did what I did. Lived what I live. You dont live anymore. And thats the problem. Is there another life? Are you who you want to be? Where you want to live? Do you miss me as I miss you? Do you still love me as I still love you? Where ever you are, are they with you? The two most important beings. Are they gone as well? You loved them as much as I did. Chewy and Chewrella. Our two pups. Are they alive and well with you? I miss them. How about her? Is she there too? Patches? Is she running free in her new life? Are you happy? Do you have everything you want or need? Does "he" treat you right. Is he who everyone says he really is. "God". Do you forgive him for taking your life? I cant find forgiveness. Its to hard. Ive been told theres a reason. I reason for everything. A reason for your death. Whats that reason? Was it me? All these questions. They have no answers. You cant answer them. Alive or gone. You cant respond. If you were here you wouldnt know how to answer. But your gone. You cant answer. Maybe you do have the answers. How would I know? I dont see you. I dont hear you. You vanished. I remember the days you tucked me in bed. Where are you? Its bed time and I have covered untucked. I remember coming home to a fresh, hot dinner. Where are you? Theres nothing waiting for me. My rooms a mess. You use to make sure I had everything neat and organized. Where are you? I cant keep up with it if your not here to tell me to do it. I wanna cry. I use to cuddle up next to you and cry on your shoulder. Where are you? I need your shoulder. I need you to welcome me with open arms. Never to judge me no matter how old I am. I wanna give up. Where are you? You always told me how strong I am and that I can over come anything. That I was strong. You promised you were there for me. Where are you? I dont see you? I want to see you. See your beautiful smile. Not the smile I saw when you passed. The smile you gave me everyday when I came home. That warm welcome. The love. I was never refused of your open arms. Your love. Your concern. You loved me. I was your one and only. I never left your side. But you left mine. Your gone. Your not there. I turn to my left and my right. Where are you? I dont see you. Youve vanished. I'm confused. I miss you. I wish that none of this every happened. Its affected my life. Drastically. The others, they dont see. They dont know what its like to lose someone as important as you. They dont know the feeling. The pain I went through and still go through. I go through my life everyday wondering. Wondering where you are. What your doing. If your still alive deep down. I love you. No matter if your still here or not. Your my one and only. The only Mom I could ever ask for. Noone will ever replace you. I love you and miss you so much. Your forever loved. Mom <3
2 comments:
Wish I could reach out and give you a big long hug. Hang in there. It's good to get this all out and put it somewhere. We're still here for you.
Jennifer you have so much of your Mom in you. The passion for life and for caring. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the strength and courage Becky showed, and we didn't know her nearly as well as you. But she touched all of our lifes in a good way. Thanks for sharing.
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