My Apology

Apology

my words ride against the tides

of time,

as ocean divine;

which will forever chime.

My sincerity shells;

clammed and pale,

with each grain of sand;

on my hand,

apology

stands.

Many of us have dreams; dreams that we have often thought of, since childhood. I have known for the longest of years that my dream was to live by the sea in a nice house full of glass windows overlooking the ocean while I wrote and published a novel. This will always be my dream. I have come to learn, throughout the course of the past two years, that Cancer has been a blessing. A blessing in disguise. I have let go of many inhibitions. I have once again, begun to dream the dreamer's dream!
I have sought out many peaceful venues. The greatest of all came, on the day that I stumbled upon a beautiful spot by the sea. It was unihibited; much like my new turning point in life. I had let caution to the wind! I was now, as these flock of birds...standing against the winds, and tides of time!
I've had a rough time dealing with my cancer diagnosis. The thought of inevitable death. I have unintentially pushed many loved ones away. So, here, on this particular day... I apologized.
I came to peace and one with the world, nature, and cancer. I am now free, to explore my childhood dreams.
I submitted my poetic prose, and with great pleasure, Apology; will be immortalized in verse!
I am truly delighted and excited.
I am beginning to follow my dreams.
Cancer has freed me; so to speak. It has opened and raised my awareness of Life, and the potentials therein, to new and greater heights.
The Power of You! is what is found within YOU! deep within your soul and spirit, lies the child that awakens.
~Live your dreams.

IS BALD BEAUTIFUL?

PREPARING MYSELF FOR BALD BEAUTY

It's crazy; I've always thought that my hair was one of my most attractive and desirable attributes. (Alongside my smile :) ) The thought of loosing all my hair during my upcoming Cancer treatments has caused quit an emotional crisis! Without a doubt, it will be quite a shock. To see my beautiful locks fall out before my very eyes. I've spent years growing, combing, training, and highlighting. Not to mention the $$$ that I have spent to change my apperience; all in the name of hair. I've always loved long hair. Forget the short stuff. Take a look at the majority of models. Long hair. Long, beautiful, straight, wavy hair. Now, mind you, I'm no model; but, hey; I'd like to think that some of my attributes were a reflection. We put so much emphasis in our culture on the "exterior", or outer beauty, of a person; missing the beauty that is inside. So, I ask: "Is Bald BeautifuL"? - look what happened when Brittany Spears shaved off all her hair. Mass media attention! Was Brittany loosing it? Had she gone mad? Was she crazy? - Who, really is crazy? - the media for making such a fuss over one's desire to be "bald"? the public, for not accepting an individual for their right of self-expression? Ingrained standards of beauty in the public eye... If we were all bald... would we be able to distinguish ourselves from one another? Would we notice the suttle intricacies that really made up our personality? Or, do we continue to rely on the facade of the outer appearance, through beauty? BALD- ... is taboo. I dare you... I dare you to have the courage... to do as Brittany did. To go BALD. .... crazy idea, eye? crazy concept? what would your peers think? what would your friends think? what would your family think? I WILL GO BALD. THERE IS NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT. As many others have. Not because we want to. But because we have to... to save our lives. I have meet some extraorindinary people, who are hiding behind their baldness, through hats of shame. I am ashamed. I am ashamed that we judge others so harshly. So, what I'm asking, is this: take the time, to look at the beauty in baldness. Take the time to look beyond the mask of hair. Take a look at the real person. You might be surprised at what you find! I have meet, truly, some of the most wonderful people, whom have touched my life; who are, I AM PROUD TO SAY: BALD.
Wouldn't it be awesome, if we had a site dedicated to the brave!!! BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!!! -don't submit to shame!!!

FRIENDSHIP

First, and foremost, I would like to say Thank-You to so many very wonderful people; in my life.

You have all been a great blessing. I have been truly touched by everyones generousity; warm kind words, thoughts, and prayers.

The photo is of my crazy daughter and her best friend. My daughter (Jennifer, is on Barbaras back) They have been best friends since Kindergarten. I truly admire their friendship. They have been through so many years of good and bad. They and I look forward to their continued friendship well into life.

And so, with that, I wanted to share a poem: it is dedicated to a wonderful person, that I call, Friend.

the smile

As the tears do weep

my face is asleep.

The beautiful smile

was scourned;

by cancer,

forlorn.

Out of kindness

in hand

my fellow man;

luv is deep,

emotions do creep.

Through heartfelt appreciation

my face awakens.

The beautiful smile,

all the while;

once torn,

is yet to be mourned.

Cancer will not defeat

the Thankful retreat.

Alive is she!

the beautiful smile, and me.

************************************************************************************

yesterday, I received news from the NIH. It's always a rollercoaster ride; as many of you are all too aware. Apparently, surgery is once again being ruled out; its a last resort, for a wide variety of reasons. Systematic approach, is still preferred. The NIH believes that I may be a good candidate for the TRC. Its similiar to the TIL. The only problem lies in the fact that they can not extract my tumour to grow the cells, so, through aphoresis, they will take my white blood cells, try to manipulate them, and grow them. This process will take about 3-4 weeks. Then, it is time... I will be admitted for a good month, or more. Seven days of chemo, to wipe my immune system out, then to put in the cells, and then, to boost it, followed by IL-2. I really had my hopes up, that I wouldn't have to do this treatment. It's not going to be easy, by any means. I have met and spoke with several people who have done the treatment. They are so brave, and strong. I know, that it is the only treatment for melanoma right now, that has a 50/50 chance of working... I know, those are great stats. I'm scared. I'm most definately going to loose all my hair. A bit emotional for me.

It is wonderful, to know, that I have friends, who care so much.

My friend, called me last night, to ask me, if it would be alright to have a dinner/raffle fundraiser for me. I am truly touched, and honoured. I never expected anything or anyone, to do this for me. I am grateful. You are all so very wonderful. It brings tears of happiness. I thank you all.

I will keep you informed. The NIH will call me next week, to let me know, if my tumour cells have the right protein markers that are needed for this treatment. (we know how that goes!!!) In the meantime, I am going to try to get back to work, for a bit. I can't just sit around here, it'll drive me mad!!! lol... all this "wait and see"... works on one!

ps... yes, absolutely, feel free to e-mail me, personally. Summerbead69@yahoo.com

The Statistic or is that Strategic hunt?

Carver, this one's for you! I always knew that this photo would come in hand someday!!!

Blossoming

So, here I am. In Bethesda, MD. At the NIH. Underneath a beautiful cherry blossom tree. Under all the splenour and beauty. It's breathtaking. I'm in awe. There is so much beauty in Life. It surrounds us. It is seasoned, and brings much delight. Much like, the time in our lives. It's learning how to take advantage of the greatness that surrounds our daily lives. It's learning how to live, and thrive; throughout the seasons of our lives. It's also about, taking the time, to appreciate that life. Hopefully, as you take your journey, this path in life; you too, will learn to stand peacefully, under the blossom of your tree of life!

*************************************************************************************

I now see, more clearly, the beauty in nature and life. I feel so alive! -

And, even though, today isn't the brightest of days, I know, I will survive.

...my tumours are alive, but, that's allright.... so too, am I!

it's just me, myself, and I...

So cool. I took this photo, as the start of a journal log, through my battle with cancer. My inspiration started several months ago, but it wasn't until this evening, after watching crazy sexy cancer, that I decided to truly honour those intentions.
So, here I am... with my lifesavor, my new laptop. Yes, that's me, screen name: Becky... one side looking out, the other side looking away. I guess, you can say, it mirrors my feelings.
I really, had wanted to take a look at myself, with hair... well, what hair, I have... it has thinned out sooooo much since I started the IL-2 treatments. Everyday, I loose several hands of strandful hair. You would never know... but, I do. It's ok. I'm cool with it. I've still got hair. Although, my eyelashes, now they, are becoming completely non-existant! That's cool too.
It's never too late to take a close look at yourself, or, yourself, taking a closer look at you!

Bags Packed...

My bags are packed, and I'm ready to go. Well, as ready as I can be. My flight out of Cleveland to Baltimore Washington leaves bright and early, 7 am. I've got an hours drive time prior to that. I will be getting up around 3:30 to shower, and get ready. My ride, (my step-dad; aka "Bob") likes to get up before the sun shines! :) He has been driving me to Cleveland for about a year now- wow. What a trooper. I will be going alone. My mother is going to watch my daughter, and my aunt is on "stand-by"... dependant on scan results, my mother may come to the NIH in Bethesda. AAAHHH yes, scan results. I've got a full itinerary, as usual. No eating after 11 am. (4 hours prior to those scans) ... so, you know what that means... EAT, EAT, EAT... until then!!! I've got to catch the shuttle to the NIH from BWI; which takes about 40 minutes. Its pleasant, usually quiet. I often nap, but, on occassion, meet someone really nice to chat with. Then, its off to get my blood drawn. After that, 3 o clock scans. UUMMM yummy... can't wait to drink that lovely cocktail concocsion, that they call "barium..." mm something or another. Let's see, will I have bannana or berry? -- then, its off to the scan room... deep breaths...in, out, .... injection... oooohhhh ... I gotta' pee... (gotta' love that feeling!) .... next stop- MRI. yeap, MRI was scheduled this time. I found a small lump in my neck after my first round of IL-2, which was still there after the second round. I haven't really noticed it, since I've been home... I've been trying to keep my fingers from wondering... NO more, self-exams!

Thursday... clinic day... THE DAY. THE DEFINATIVE DAY... I'm such a nervous, anxious wreck. It's quit the big deal... have my tumours responded to this incredibly rough treatment? - have my tumours shrunk? have they stabilized? or... have they grown? ... the scans will be the determinate factor in the next step/phase of my life. It's a rather big deal.

I've once again, packed my Mickey Mouse bag... (my reminder, of youth and fun) ... packed full of pj's... and hospital gear. If the Il-2 kicked mel's butt... I will be re-admitted promptly... put a pic line in... and off we go... cycle 2 of IL-2. I sure hope that my mom comes. It gets so lonely, and difficult, when you are all by yourself. Sometimes, it's unbearable. However, if the tumours have grown, well, ... I guess the TIL is to be discussed. I'm not sure, I'm ready for that... chemo, adjuvant, growth, ... I'm not even sure, what all is involved. Too much, right now, for me to comprehend, and phathom.

I should be getting off to bed, however, I can NEVER truly sleep the night before.

Bridging the Gap

When I originally started this web-site, my aim and goal was to try and help "bridge the gap" between those diagnosed with cancer and those not. I started with a simple poll, to see who would be driven to my site. Something relatively simple, I thought. I can not believe the results. Not one single person from outside the realm of my cancer community came to view my site. I posted this link on other sites, other than the MPIP board. I know, without a doubt that the majority of my readers have come from the cancer community. I am perplexed and baffled. I feel like, I am leading a double life. I have been feeling this way, for quit some time. Why is it, that when someone is diagnosed with cancer, everyone seems to become distant and stray away? Why is there some unwritten rule that we shouldn't be talking about this subject matter in our routine conversations with family and friends? I am completely discouraged. I am upset and hurt. Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I talked to everyone. I donated money to the United Spinal Association, and Pathway for Children's Sponsor's. I did not discriminate. I did not segregate. I listened. I offered encouragement. I didn't treat the Walmart door greater, who happened to be in a wheelchair, with any difference than any other.
I recently ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen for almost ten years. We caught up a bit, summarized the years; and then, I was asked, the inevitable: "how have you been"? Naturally, I answered with honesty. Why shouldn't I? I told her, that I had been diagnosed with cancer two years ago and just finished my treatments and that I wasn't feeling so well. I said it, non-challantly. As, a matter of fact. I wasn't looking for sympathy. I was merely looking for conversation. Needless to say, I hadn't got to ask how she had been. She ended the conversation abruptly. She really didn't know what to say, I imagine. There are, though, those, who engage in conversation when I mention my diagnosis. They are truly sincere, and sensitive; willing to talk and listen. They seem to be the few. The minority.
I know, I can't change the world. I know, I can't change people. I do know, I can try and make a difference.
"Today nearly 10 million people are living with a cancer history"; if this statement is true, where are they? Hiding out, taking polls on the internet, in their taboo corners of life? Seeking to obtain knowledge and power to heel. Yet, human compassion is an important factor in the healing process. Where is the humanity? In this vast land, we have yet, to bridge the gap of life.

"Live each day, and not merely exist"

It's the start of a new day. Yesterday, is behind me now. I woke up thinking, what a beautiful day. The sun is out, shinning, and spring season is upon us. So, I went outside to take some of my first pictures of the season. My daffodils are in bloom. No matter how hard I tried to get that perfect picture, bright and crisp, alive and full of color; I just couldn't. My camera and eye, wouldn't focus. I had thought about this, much like, my contemplation of deleting yesterday's blog entry; then, I realized, why should I? It is part of life, and at times, it is the "cloud" permeating over our head, that brings upon the brightness and clarity that we so much strive to obtain. I took a look at my pictures of the daffodils, and I noticed, in the background, how the light hit the smallest of buds. What a beautiful sight. Bright yellow, with illuminous light radiating. It stood out. It was not what was in the forground, but, the background. So, I thought, perhaps, this was meant to be. Perhaps it is the "background" of life that shines through our days. I have not been very happy with the "foreground"; of my life, yet, I am happiest when I think and believe in the dream. Joan Anderson states: "start by identifying a dream, a passion, or a spiritual goal" and that "Nothing is worth more than working toward something of value." A dream helps give us something to look forward to. I had lost my way. I had had given in, and subcumed to failure for the day. The dream will always lye. It's what we do, to obtain that dream. So, perhaps, now, is not the right time, for my dream to come true. But, the light of that dream will always shine through! I know that there will be better days. So, too, to say to many of you; look beyond the day. See your hope and ray of light. It will always hold true.

one of those days...

Hello All! - I'm a bit tired these days. I haven't been getting much sleep. I've got so many things to contemplate right now, in my life. The cancer diagnosis and treatments have really been affecting my thoughts, alot. I have been contemplating moving to Florida. I live in Ohio. I'm unemployed at the moment, and looks like, this may last ALOT longer than I had anticipated. I am trying to start my own business, (as you may have noticed) to help support me, while I am taking treatments. I'm not so sure, it's working so well. I know, that I just feel like, I need to get out of this town. Yes, my immediate family, and circle of friends live here. Everyone thinks that I would be completely crazy to do this right now, with everything that is going on. My teenage daughter doesn't even want to move with me, she prefers Ohio and wants to move in with her dad. I also have to contemplate whether or not, I want to do the TIL treatments at the NIH if the IL-2 treatments aren't working. To be Frankly honest, I'm not ready. I'm not even sure, I'm ready to continue on with the IL-2 treatments... what length of duration are we talking here? I want to go back to work, and get my life back. I want to be "back to normal". Just for a bit. The cancer will be there. It has been there. Couldn't I just take a "break"... and then return once my finances and emotional state were in place? - yes, I am having one of those moments. Is anyone else interested in moving to Florida? - I'd LOVE a roomate! It's too cold here for me!!! I love the warmth of the sunshine :) - any words of advice/ or opinions to help me out?