Tides of Time...

Before I begin, I would like to let you know, that I will continue to post photo's from our much needed trip ~ away... it was extremely relaxing, beautiful, warm, and peaceful. I know, without a doubt, where my heart lies. I found a beautiful beach on the last day of my stay ~ about an hour south of Cocoa ~ which had some very nice and friendly resident's. The ocean was a marvel; beautiful shades of aqua and blue, with a crisp clearness. We found some of the best seashells! Brilliant colors and textures ~ and some awesome small conk shells! Without a doubt, this is where my heart of all heart lies.
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Alright ~ now, to post the news from today's visit with the NIH. I am still trying to absorb it all... the "shock and awe" ~ stage...

To begin, there is some activity in my upper thigh where my last biopsy was performed. However, it is hard to determine ~ because the sample/tissue may not have been a good one ~ and it may be lighting up due to scar tissue...

Next ~ the lump that I mentioned in my groin ~ which has become relatively large, and which is causing me some extreme pain ~ is indeed Melanoma. It is in the lymph nodes within the lump.

And finally ~ the 7mm of tumour that was left in my pelvis from the last surgery ~ has definately grown. It has become of some concern... it has grown enough that it is enlarged and entangled around even more arteries/nerves; so that... a) it may not be removed surgically b) it is causing the fluid in that area to push up against my bladder ~ and I now have an infection, which needs to be cleared up with antibiotics ~ asap c)the pressure from the fluid combined with the added new lump ~ is causing the blockage of my lymph nodes and slowing them down ~ which is causing all the swelling in my right leg.

So, what does all this mean? ~ basically ~ Dr. Yang said that the lump isn't a main concern at this time ~ it can be surgically removed, if necessary. However ~ the bigger problem/issues lies within the pelvis. The tumour that has grown and entangled itself even more... which is causing and will continue to cause more problems... needs to be taken care of.
My only option... is the TIL treatment.
The doctor called the lab while I was there... and they are working on growing my tumour cells to see if they will combat active melanoma in the lab setting. He said to give them about 1 week for the results. If, it works... I will be called to come in and do the TIL treatment within the next 3-4 weeks. If not, he will be looking into other alternative's similar to the the TIL.
The TIL is ~ to say the least ~ rough. I was given a packet of info and orally informed of the possible side-effects. I will Definately, loose all of my hair. I will be extremely sick ~ vomitting/nausea, etc... all the good stuff. But, I will be monitered well. There is a possibility of bodily function damage ~ kidney, livers, etc. There is also, a small percentage change that I may have permanenet brain damage. About 1 in 100.
So, there it is.
Basically, as the Dr. stated... if I choose not to do the 3-4 week long intense treatment... the tumours will continue to grow and spread...with the inevitable. This is the best chance and option that I have at the moment.
Am I scared?
Scared to death.
Absolutely.
Do I want to loose my hair?
Absolutely not ~
but, like the doc said: "it will grow back"
and the possibility of further complications/damage... well, that outweighs the alternative ~
I do agree with the doc...
deep down... I know, that the situation I am in... is not good. not good at all.

So, for now... I am going to pump in the antibiotics... and take the pain meds as needed... my immune system needs to be up and ready...
before they wipe it all out!!!

I've got 3-4 weeks to try and take care of some personal issues and prepare...

(I most definately need to get a cd of the ocean to take with me during treatments!)

quick post...update

Good Day All!

I just wanted to quickly post ~ for many of you who follow ~

We made the trip back from Florida ~ we had a wonderful time!!!
We are now at the NIH in Bethesda, MD.
Yesterday was such a long day...
we got up early to make the drive from Florida to MD ~ and then I had my Mri and Ct scan ~
I have been having increased pain in my groin/pelvis from a lump that continues to grow...
this will all be checked today.
I will as well be getting the results from my scans...
I spoke with my new doctor ~ with whom I gave my recent pet disk scan and pathology report to ~ I asked her to clarify... and she did confirm that there is some melanoma activity in my inner thigh as well as in my pelvis...
I will have all the current results/info today...
so, hang in tight.. as I am.
It is, once again... time to get back to "reality" ~
in the so-called world of Melanoma.

Anyone who is new... who may be reading... I would be more than willing to answer/share anything...
don't hesitate to ask.
You may send private messages to Summerbead69@yahoo.com

PS ~ I continue to wish Simon in England the best~ I send out my positive thoughts for recovery.

I will post ASAP with all results.

Have a Wonderful Day :)

Chance Encounter...

It was an absolutely beautiful day ~ and one, which; I will never soon forget.

I had ventured back out on the beach, in the early evening ~ to take in some more of nature's beauty and splendor. I couldn't help but notice one very young girl impaticular. Without a doubt, I knew, in my mind and heart; that she was a cancer patient undergoing chemo treatments.
She was a wonderous beauty, who was enjoying the beach with her family and friends. I watched as she picked up sea shells and even captured a crab, to her amusemument!
Without a doubt; as I have always stated, God works in mysterical ways. Everything, DOES happen for a reason.
I spoke with Lilly's mother for a bit and asked if she would mind that I put her daughter, Lilly's story on my site. She kindly accepted. She will be forwarding her daughter's carebrigde page to me ~ and in turn, I will post it on my site.
My recent venture ~ to try and help terminal cancer patients live their childhood dreams ~ begins here. I told Lilly's mother, that I would try to raise some funds; so that their family may spend the much needed time together ~ as they were, on this very day.
ANY and ALL funds, that will be recieved will go to Lilly's family. However, prayer is always a wonderful support and gift ~ just the same.
It is in The power of: YOU ~ that I believe.
Encounters are never chance. Today, I was graced by the presence of an incredible little girl ~ who was enjoying Life...
God Bless.

A pearilous journey of thoughts...

She sat sheltered by the shadows of the wavering umbrella with nothing more than a minut insight into what lay ahead. Her golden hair glistened with the reflected light. The sun was now setting and the moon appeared as the dawn of daybreak ended. Fine course granuetes of sand were ingrained in the golden girls smooth, silky skin. As her eyes glared; fixed at an unknown point in the horizon where the horizontal ocean meets the the sky, she feel, subcumb and numb to the events which were surround. A wedding party made way, and as calps, chants, and cheers, of happiness came closer, so to, did the tears. The shade could only shelter her sorrow momentarily.
As children laughed, screamed, and played; so to, did all the adults around. But one, in particular, unflinched by humans meanuduring to and fro, had stopped remarkably close to medidate. The golden girl watched with admiration, starring with gentle curiousity. What could this woman, this figure of existance be focused upon?
So, she too, decided to to try to practice a forum of meditation. At the very point where her mind began to rumble and stir, the sky opened and unveiled the slightest hint of the cloudy white moon.
It had taekn her all day, to come to peace with her intermost personal turmoil and the long, jadded walk from the evening before had brought much pain. The lymphatic leg and the previous night's moonlite walk brought about hopes with romantic ferver, which often swallowed and enveloped her. Her longing and desire to share the beauty of nature and life; within love, would be one, that she would continue to silently long for.
Her perilous journey seemed frivolous ~ to many, and even to herself. Her quixotic quest was impervious to all. She didn't feel as though, she were dying ~ all but the contrare. She was supremely alive. She had become one with nature; but uncertainty had set in, as the nature of human relations. Was she merely alone with these thoughts? Had she become more introverted than in her delicate youth?
~These days brought upon many unanswered questionable thoughts~...

Melissa

*I wanted to post this for you to read. Please feel free to contact Melissa or leave any responses for her. Melissa can be reached privately at: dr.doolittle1@sbcglobal.net Thank you soooo much! *

Hi Becky. Read your blog. I hope you will read this.
From: "Melissa"




Hi Becky,I am crying while reading your bio and thinking what an inspiration you are to me. Im feeling guilty that I worry so much about getting a melanoma metastasis while you are facing it yourself. I crave for your attitude and the POWER of YOU. How did you get it???? My brain is my worst enemy and I have been struggling for YEARS to change my thought pattern. I cant seem to get rid of it. No matter how hard I try. I am actually a very postitive person when it comes to everything but myself. I too believe everyone has a purpose in life. I found mine thru having cancer. I am thankful for that. I believe everyone you meet is to teach you something. Is there anything you can teach me??? I am 38. Married and have a toddler. I live life each day as it is my last. I constantly worry about death and dying from cancer. I have nightmares every night. I dont like to talk about the future in fear that I wont be here for it. I hate living this way. Its such a lonely existance........ Every day I am poisoning my body with my toxic thoughts.... I want to be like YOU..... I feel HORRIBLE for asking you for some guidence with what you are going through. I hate whining when someone else is going thru something so much worse than me. I stuff all my emotions and no one really understands the road I have been down. Its been a long one.....not just cancer. I had open chest surgery to remove a mass in my chest 4 years ago which was thought to be melanoma that had spread. It was actually a pre-cancerous mass but the surgery was so hard on my body that I developed Lupus and a blood clotting disorder that causes strokes & heart attacks. I am on immuno-suppressants for the lupus and sometimes I feel really sick. So, I guess I have a lot on my plate which contributes to my fear of dying... I understand that you probably dont have the time to give me some tips. But, maybe you could lead me in the right direction to heal...... I just cant figure out how to do it on my own. Huge hugs,Melissa

*Melissa and I have just begun corresponding. I know, that I recieve many private messages, and I do try to respond to them all. I can only tell you, from the heart, much like, you tell me; how you are feeling at the moment, how I feel in reply. I do believe that we are all here to help each other and one another. Encounters are not chance ~ believe in that and believe in yourself.
As always... Stay Strong... and Live even stronger!

Life is short: Eat Chocolate!

Unbelievable. Unbelieveable, is all I can say! Ok, so, we found out that Florida's Mall had an M & M's store... needless to say... since we have never been to one, or seen one, we were excited and curious to venture off.
I have never seen soooo much chocolate candy. Candy coated in every imaginable color of the rainbow! And, although my all time favorite color is dark blue; I have been having a tendancy to sway to aqua. Hence, the aqua shirt that I wore this evening to the event!
Naturally, I choose an array of my most recent colors ~ dark blue, aqua, red, and brown. I'm not even sure, where or why these four colors have become so significant to me.
Regardless ~ everyday brings about something new.
Today must have been a chocolate day. After the M & M store we ventured off to the Godiva store ~ for my all time favorite chocolate cup filled with red raspberries. Usually, I get these after my flight to the NIH (National Cancer Institute). Since, I will not be flying next week to Md I just couldn't resist ~ it has become my new tradional ritual ~
Next stop... Dylan's candy shop! Everything imaginable can be found in this all in one stop! Upon meandering around, I came across a shirt which simply stated: Life is short: Eat Chocolate!
Wow ~ I couldn't have expressed it any better or simplier. Chocolate. Another of Life's simplier pleasures.
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We are having a wonderful time ~ on vacation and enjoying each other's company. We will be heading back to the beach ~ which, I am sincerely looking forward to. Yes, it is a great feeling... being able to enjoy life.
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I had almost forgot to mention ~ while I was on the boardwalk at the beach several days ago, enjoying an ice-cream, the view, my daughter's company, and the breeze... a middle aged gentleman in a wheelchair made his way over to speak to us. It was obvious that he had some speech impediments, yet; he was very skilled and determined to converse.
He began to express his unhappiness with life ~ and his unfortunate circumstance. He was struck by a drunk driver in his teenage years and his father had passed to cancer. I felt compelled to express my thoughts... and assure him, that life was a blessing.
He continued to tell me, that he was alone and that he had never set foot in the sand. Unimaginable. Simply unimaginable. He was less than ten feet from the sandy beach and shore and had never experienced the sand beneath his feet or the water rushing over his toes.
I had hoped to helped this gentleman... but unfortunately, I was unable. There were, needless to say; many people around. None of whom, offered to aide. I can't say, that I didn't try; because, I did.
At times, I am appauled by behavior; and yes, that includes my own. It truly takes alot to step out of the "character of normalacy" ~ that is to say... societies percieved inhibitions.
The Power of: YOU ~ is a self-emplorement. A self-empowerment, that is meant for the greater good ~ of all.
If you ask me; "normalacy", simply is a state of controlled mind. Going beyond the boundaries... now, that is what I call... an act of kindness and graciousness.
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Find it in The Power of: YOU ~ to make a difference. To go beyond boundaries. (and don't forget: Life is short: Eat Chocolate!)

Mercy Me ~ I can only imagine

I was sitting outside tonight ~ with my daughter, at the beach resort ~ at the karaoke tiki bar...
it brought back so many vivid memories... and yet, in the same token... a renewed sense of self...

As a little girl began to sing this song "I can only imagine" by Mercy Me...(utube click on right, bottom one)
the tears began to swell...

Quit an emotional moment. One of those moments in time, similiar to that of "peace" ~ a peaceful reflection, of life beyond.

I can honestly, only imagine, what it will be like...

what will my heart feel...
will I stand in your presence?
I can only imagine...

Have you grace me with your glory?
Have you I honored you? Have I worshiped you?

Do I deserve your grace?

What will I see?
What will it be like?

Will I walk by your side?
What will my eyes see?

When your face is before me ~ I will be honored by your glory...

Will I dance for you Jesus?

Will I sing "alleluia"...

Oh, I can only imagine...

When that day comes...
and I find myself standing in the sun...

as I stand now... in the sun...
in the honor of your presence..

on this earth...
in this heaven...

What will my heart feel?

What will my family and friends feel?

Will you bring comfort to their hearts and souls? ~

I can only imagine...
I can only believe...

All that we can only do... is forever worship you.

~it is a beautiful evening here ~ very delightful and pleasant.
My daughter was going to sing her first karaoke song for me... but, unfortunately...it was closing time...

Such a wonderful experience...
outside, under the stars...
with the ocean in view...

Life, can not get any better than this. It truly is the littliest of gestures and the simplier intricacies in life; that mean the most and are cheerished the greatest.

Live your life; one day at a time... enjoying the glory of his grace...
sing alleluia and dance...

for, you can only imagine...

Peace...

There is calm in the eye of the storm...

~There is always a reflective moment, at a random moment, in time.

It is that unknown, unplanned moment in a day, when you are at peace with yourself and one with the world. And although, you may be in the middle of turmoil; or the "eye of the storm" ~ you are calm.
It is this peaceful moment that helps you surrender. Your inhibitions are let go... and become free.

*I have a wonderful friend who recently expressed gratitude ~ through many of our adversities; there is light ~ and it is within this light ~ in the eye of the strom ~ that we find our peace.

Nothing can sum it up any better than in Eckart Toole's book: Awakening to your life's purpose. He simply states;
"See the fullness of life all around you. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the display of magnificent flowers outside a florist's shop, biting into a succulent fruit, or getting soaked in an abundance of water falling from the sky. The fullness of life is ther at every step... let it flow out..."

Learning to live your life, to the fullest, and finding your peace in the eye of the storm... now, that is an energy flow full of abundance.

Enjoy your finer moments and enjoy your inner peace.

Long Life...

HI! Yes, I've been playing around with my camera, again! I was trying to get some fun shots of the necklace that my aunt gave to me...

it is supposed to mean "Long Life"...

I simply had to post the photo of myself, because I was feeling quit "chipper"! :)
I let my hair down, started pressing the button on camera... and got a great fun shot!

I am looking forward to a GREAT LONG LIFE!

I am living... and loving every moment.

~that's all I wanted to post for now! Just wanted to let you all know, that I am doing well. Overall, feeling fine ~ feeling well ~ and am in Excellent Spirits!!!
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Still contemplating many of my future options...

*I am eating a carmel apple ~ WOW ~ tastes wonderful. There is sooo much good in this life to enjoy... if we simply take the time.

~Some of my reader's have sent some private e-mails... and I just wanted to let you know... that I will be making this blogsite into a journal of memoirs. Thank You so much for your encouraging words. It will absolutely be a wonderful way to preserve my thoughts for my family and friends.
~I would also like to make sure, that I have the permission of all; who have either been posted or talked about; to be included in my book. As well, I may contain an area at the end of the book for private e-mail/correspodences, dating back... (I thought that this might be nice to preserve for my family/daughter)
If there is anyone, who truly, would not like to be included, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I respect the privacy of all.
~I will be sure to inform everyone when I finish with this endeavor. I have started on it... but, it proves to be quite time-consuming!!! Please bear with me. Thank for your patience!

Love,
Becky

Take time to allow someone else to smell the roses...

I must say... that yesterday... the act of one random gentlemen, made my day.

I was waiting in line; and you know how you often get impatient? Well... that was me... I began to feel myself getting irritated and a bit edgy... I found myself looking around and scooping out all the other lines... I began to assess... as we all do... and was getting ready to make my move... when... it hit me. I realized... that it really wouldn't matter... this line, that line... etc... each and everyone one of us... must wait our turn... before we are attended to.
Where does this impatience come from? My thoughts continued to proceed... and I began to realize... that I needed to to give everyone their chance. In the end... it was well worth the wait. The gentlemen in front of me... had two extra savings coupons which he proceeded to hand on to myself and the lady behind me.
I thanked him and wished his family a wonderful day. I also made mention to the woman behind me, that it was a wonderful thought and deed.

Not only did this gentlemen take the time, to do something nice; so too, did another...

An elder gentelmen's car had broken down... and a young boy... ran out of his car to help. He helped pushed the elder's car off to the side...
I felt compelled to Thank the the young boy...

My daughter was in the car at the time... and thought that I was crazy.

I am sure, that many other's may have believed so, as well. But, it is... these very random acts that are within The Power of: YOU that truly can and do make a difference.

We have become soo wrapped in our days... and with the concept of time. I am learning to realize... that we all need to just learn to s.l.o.w. down ... just a bit. To relax... and take our time... and not worry so much about the concept of time.
Yes, I understand, admitably; that time, is important. We all have appointments to keep... errands to run... kids to take here and there... work, etc... and the list goes on and on...
Very stressful indeed.

I had begun to think about this more, as the day continued on... the concept of time... and how we are so caught up with it... that we loose track and thought of anything but....

I also began to think about Dr. Randy Paush's message...

He was a pioneer... in thought. Indeed. Simple message.
I believe as well... that mine too... is simple.
To just take time. Take the time to find it within yourself to help another. One person a day... regardless if it is a quick smile and glance, a short conversation, or a greater deed.
You will be amazed at the difference that it will make in your tempermant for the day. The Power of: YOU is an aid. It can, and I firmly do believe, it can... help heal.
Even if it is just to help release someone's stressful day... or beyond...
take the few moments to simply make a change. To make a differnce.
Slow yourself down... for a few moments... in time.