The Power of: YOU

2012-02-06T14:04:00.000-08:00

Its jen again. Long time no post. Just thought I would show you my son. His names Cole Alexander. He was born november 7th, 2011 at 4:54 pm at Mercy Hospital. 6 lbs 14 oz. He now weighs 12 lb 9 oz and is the love of my life <3

Happy Birthday

2011-03-02T16:07:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Love u very much, and miss u every day LOVE MOM XOXOXOXOXOXO

Till the day we meet again

2010-11-11T19:58:00.000-08:00

Theres so much to tell. So much on my mind. How do I tell you? Do I show you? Do I tell you? Do I dare talk to myself and look like a foul? Do I dare reenact only to know that I really dont know. Dont know if your watching or even there. How do I know your real? How do I know your even there? I dont know and I wont know. There once was a time that you were here and saw what I saw. Did what I did. Lived what I live. You dont live anymore. And thats the problem. Is there another life? Are you who you want to be? Where you want to live? Do you miss me as I miss you? Do you still love me as I still love you? Where ever you are, are they with you? The two most important beings. Are they gone as well? You loved them as much as I did. Chewy and Chewrella. Our two pups. Are they alive and well with you? I miss them. How about her? Is she there too? Patches? Is she running free in her new life? Are you happy? Do you have everything you want or need? Does "he" treat you right. Is he who everyone says he really is. "God". Do you forgive him for taking your life? I cant find forgiveness. Its to hard. Ive been told theres a reason. I reason for everything. A reason for your death. Whats that reason? Was it me? All these questions. They have no answers. You cant answer them. Alive or gone. You cant respond. If you were here you wouldnt know how to answer. But your gone. You cant answer. Maybe you do have the answers. How would I know? I dont see you. I dont hear you. You vanished. I remember the days you tucked me in bed. Where are you? Its bed time and I have covered untucked. I remember coming home to a fresh, hot dinner. Where are you? Theres nothing waiting for me. My rooms a mess. You use to make sure I had everything neat and organized. Where are you? I cant keep up with it if your not here to tell me to do it. I wanna cry. I use to cuddle up next to you and cry on your shoulder. Where are you? I need your shoulder. I need you to welcome me with open arms. Never to judge me no matter how old I am. I wanna give up. Where are you? You always told me how strong I am and that I can over come anything. That I was strong. You promised you were there for me. Where are you? I dont see you? I want to see you. See your beautiful smile. Not the smile I saw when you passed. The smile you gave me everyday when I came home. That warm welcome. The love. I was never refused of your open arms. Your love. Your concern. You loved me. I was your one and only. I never left your side. But you left mine. Your gone. Your not there. I turn to my left and my right. Where are you? I dont see you. Youve vanished. I'm confused. I miss you. I wish that none of this every happened. Its affected my life. Drastically. The others, they dont see. They dont know what its like to lose someone as important as you. They dont know the feeling. The pain I went through and still go through. I go through my life everyday wondering. Wondering where you are. What your doing. If your still alive deep down. I love you. No matter if your still here or not. Your my one and only. The only Mom I could ever ask for. Noone will ever replace you. I love you and miss you so much. Your forever loved. Mom <3

2010 Dance

2010-11-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is Myself with Joe Andler. The guy Ive had a crush on since freshman year. I had an amazing time at the dance. Missin mom always.

Over a year.

2010-10-24T19:14:00.000-07:00

Its Jen. My moms been gone for well over a year. I can't help but to think of her right now cause of the memories she gave me. She through a halloween party for me and my class in 6th grade. My friends still talk about that day to this very day. She made an impression on them. Something that they will never forget. Im almost 18. In less than 2 months actually. I really wish she was here. More than anything. I have my school dance next saturday and Im going with the guy Ive had a crush on since freshman year. Mom was the first to find out that I had this crush on him. She would be so happy for me. She always told me to go after what I dream of. I finally did and shes not here. I miss her dearly. Things would be different if she was still here. I wouldnt regret coming home everyday. I wouldnt wish that I lived somewhere else. Id just have her. It would be like the old days when I came home to a warm dinner on the table. I bright smile no matter how her day went. No yelling, no complaining, just love. Thats all she gave. She gave so much love to other people that she never asked for it in return. I feel like I neglected that. If I could redo everything I would. I would tell her how much I love her. How much I cant stand to watch her go. I want her here to hold my hair back when Im sick, To hug me when Im gonna cry, to rock me when Im scared and tell me everything will alright. To care. When I think back I remember that no matter what I did wrong she still loved me with unconditional love. I was her one and only. I wish I realized this back then rather then now when its to late. I would do anything to have her back. To live with her and know that no matter what I have a home with a warm meal everyday, and of course... her unconditional love. I love her very much. No matter where she is... She will always be my mom.

2010-07-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

ONE YEAR and never forgotten with much LOVE MOM xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Over 10 months

2010-05-21T19:06:00.001-07:00

Hello again. Its me, Jennifer Sick. Rebecca's daughter. Its been over 10n months since she's been gone. Its not getting any easier. I've heard that it will. When is that? An eternity? Around this time mom would be getting me ready for school to be over for summer. I plan on doing all the fun things we use to do together during the summer time. Between Cedar Point, Clays Park, The Beach, and having a good time. She will always be there with me spiritually and I will always remember her while im on my summer break. I'll be a Senior this coming year. Mom was looking forward to my Senior year but, of course she's not here for it. I love her dearly as well as everyone else. Stay Strong. Love, Jennifer.

Happy Birthday

2010-03-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

Thought of you with Love today, but that is nothing new. I thought of you yesterday and the days before that, too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and a picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake, with which I'll never part. God has you in his keeping, I have you in my...HEART. With Much LOVE MOM

Movies, driving, etc..

2010-02-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

Some of the many movies my mom and I watched were mainly love movies. Im sure you already knew this. She loved to watch the Notebook. It was her favorite. Basically anything that had to do with love she watched it. Unfortunatly when she was unable to drive we would watch movies countless times that it became boring. It was all we could do though and I still enjoyed every moment. As for me Driving I have my license. I drive to school everyday and I enjoy it. Im just like my mother and of course Im afraid. My mom was always telling me of the worries of driving and how she was terrified of getting into an accident and that she would rather fly then drive anyday. I agree with her. I remember when I drove her and I to Florida many times and back. It was a fun experience. We would blair the radio and sing till we couldnt talk. Many of my memories of her were while driving to florida and in florida. She made sure to make her last moments with me wonderful and Ill never forget them.

Favorite memory of Me and My Mother

2010-01-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

My favorite memory of my mom would have to be all the countless nights we would spend together watching movies. She called it PJ/movie/popcorn night. We would get into our favorite pajamas and cuddle up together on the couch. Of course we had 10 blankets on us because mom was crazy about being under the warm blankets. We would watch countless movies and eat tons of popcorn. The one night we grabbed our blankets and sore around the room like we were birds who were free and happy to be alive. We laughed for hours on end. Another night my mom decided to put our remaining popcorn on our ceiling fan and watch them fly. We were on the floor rolling in popcorn, laughing. After all the fun was over and we decided to go to bed, we would sleep in the same bed. We would lay together and talk about our day. I would tell you everything about school and the boy I use to like. She would tell me either about her work or her love life. I helped her threw it all. I was mommys little helper and I forever will be.

Ask

2010-01-26T13:42:00.000-08:00

Hello. Its Jennifer again. Its been a long 6 months, but ive been getting threw this. Slowly of course. I would like for you to ask anything you would like you know. Weather its about my mother or me. I'll try and answer as best as I can. Thank you.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas From Heaven
I still hear the songs,
I still see the lights
I still feel your love on cold wintery nights

I still share your hopes and all of your cares
I'll even remind you to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you, you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment, To stay in His Grace
I came here before you to help set your place

You don't have to be perfect all the time
He forgives you the slip, If you continue the climb

To my family and friends,
Please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you,
In a new special way

I love you all dearly,
Now dont't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year

3 months

2009-10-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

Its been 3 months since the death of my mom. More recently I seem to be struggling with dealing with the loss. The many things that keep popping up in head are the few days before she died. Its been hard trying not to think about those finally days but its also hard to not think about those days. She was in constant need of something or someone. She looked horrible. There was honestly nothing I could do for her except pray. I wish I could have done something to help her. Hopefully shes in a better place now. Better then where she was. I'm praying that shes not in anymore pain. If she were to see me right now I hope shes proud of me. I'm trying my best to follow in her footsteps. My goal is to be a writer. She inspired me to do what I believe in. I believed in her and her work. I will continue to write and try my best to carry on. Some interesting things that happened between me and her was the time she let me have a Halloween party. We threw this party when I was in 6th grade and people are still talking about it today. She defiantly left an impression on them. Shes known for that. Her words left an impression on many. What she left with me will stay with me for a life time. I love you mom. I hope your in your dream house waiting for me.

Message from Jennifer again

2009-09-02T15:05:00.000-07:00

Its been almost 2 months since my mothers death and its not getting any easier. A very good friend of my mothers told me that updating every once in awhile about some of the many things about my mother would be a good idea. I agree with him. Theres so many things about her that I will never forget. Her favorite ride at Cedar point-Millenium force. Her favorite ice cream- napolean. Her favorite scent- vanilla bean noel. She loved taking pictures. I cant tell you how many pictures I have that she took. Her camera only holds many more and her laptop. She loved animals. Mainly dogs but she knew I loved cats so we always had both in our house. Her 2 favorite dogs were chewy and chewrella. She loved them very much. She loved to watch movies and have pj parties with me. We would get popcorn and candy and stay up all night. Christmas time was her favorite season. All the decorations and presents filled her heart with joy. I know her favorite part of christmas was when I was little seeing my face when I saw all the presents under the chrismas tree. She was always so excited just like me. We would spend hours decorating the house. One time we made a string of popcorn for the tree. We were throwing the popcorn at each other instead. Then she has a brilliant idea to put popcorn on the celling fan and watch popcorn fly. I loved those times. She was laughing and living her life to the fullest. Ill post again some time soon with more facts about my mother. Thanks for reading.

poems by jennifer sick

2009-07-23T13:13:00.001-07:00

she opened her eyes
and was on a cloud
a man appeared
and said aloud
you've lived a life
once so beautiful
yet so strong
take my hand
no fear allowed
no tears to shred
or pain to feel
just love and happiness
for all eternity
while many on earth
may cry and shout
you shall be safe
from all no doubt
for you are here
to be adored
by all you see
now through eternity
withoug a doubt
your always fighting
and I love you for that
stay who you are
not just for me
but for god you'll see
we love you for who you are
that woman you are
that mother you are
that beautiful soul
and loving heart
no matter what
you will always be
~My Mother~
~I Love You~

*********************************
~Till death~
By: Jennifer Sick

She closed her eyes and had a dream
God was there with a bright glowing beam
he said to her "your time has come and gone"
be not afraid
your soul is not lost
for you are in heaven
she looked around
and what did she see
loved ones thats where once lost
well how can that be?
what God has said
must be true
Theres no pain, no fear
not even a tear

She looked down and what did she see?
her family and friends crying sadly
She turned to God and said,
"why are they crying
so sad and so dim"

Its cause they lost a loved one
so pure and so beautiful
they lost their daughter and even their mother...

She tryed to cry out
and tell them shes ok
but they did not hear
so she fell to her knees
and began to pray
"Oh God please protect them"
"let my daughter know that I will always be there"
"i will guide her"
"lover her and always protect her"

God did just as she asked,
and the family moved on
but still thing of her
again and again...

This is dedicated to my mother...
I love you...

A message from her daughter

2009-07-23T12:45:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone. My names Jennifer Sick but im sure you already know this. My mom always made sure she included me in anything she wrote especially on her blogs. She was a very outgoing person and one of a kind. There is noone out there that could ever replace my mother. She inspired me to do many things and im sure she also inspired many others. She was a fighter. She refused to give up. Chemo treatments, radiation, pain medications, and surgerys after surgerys she fought to destroy this cancer that took her life. She told herself everyday "yes i can". She once held me in her arms and told me shes doing everything she could to prolong her life for me. There are so many things she will miss and things she will not see. Why should a woman so yound and so beautiful lose her life to such a horrible desease? Lifes not fair. Always tell the ones you love just how much you love and care about them cause you never know what tomorrow has in store. I love you mom. You were strong. I hope your on your beach house in heaven with your toes in the sand surronded my shells and the wonderful sun waiting for me. I will see you then. Till then I hope your happy and comfortable in your new life. Love you always, Your daughter, Jennifer.

Passing of our loving Becky

2009-07-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Becky passed on this afternoon at 12:17 pm. She is now free from the pain of this cancer and her spirit can move on to be free. We will always remeber her as she was. Her wonderful spirit that loved life, loved writing, loved the water and beach. We will miss her dearly!

Love, her sister-

Rest In Peace
March 2, 1969 - July 17, 2009

Going back to Work

2009-07-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Of course FedEx stopped by my house on Saturday with orders for me to show up to work on Monday at 6am. It figures, the week I can make it down is the week I go back to work. I'm still gonna try and figure a way down one of these coming weekends.

Here are a few more pics of Becky. I think these are on this blog spot somewhere.

Praying for a layoff

2009-07-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

I work for a supplier for GM. I've been on layoff and they started bring people back this week. More than likely I will start back next week but if I don't I will have time and money to go visit Becky for a week. So lets all pray for a continued layoff.

Love you and miss you Becky, here's hoping I get to see you next week.

JP

Becky's nursing home

2009-07-08T15:08:00.001-07:00

This makes me sad. This is where Becky is. It's a nice place and she has a window by her bed. The last time I visited she told me she was at peace with everything.

There are a massive amount of stairs at the memorial. It's near Becky's home and she use to walk these stairs trying to loose weight on her butt. That's funny because Becky has always been tall and thin.

Becky not doing so great

2009-07-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

I got an email from Becky's mother, she doesn't know how long Becky can hang in there, she not eating, and is down to nothing, but is still alert and can talk to them.

I heard a song from Black Eyed Peas that I thought I would share:

I can't go any further then this
I want you so badly, it's my biggest wish
I spent my time just thinking about you
Every single day I'm really missing you
And all those things we use to do
Hey girl, what's up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinking about you
Every single day, yes I'm really missing you
And all those things we use to do

Beautiful

2009-07-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

Always thinking about her so I thought I would share some pictures I have of Becky. If you would like to share send it to me at yahoo, jjumpinjim and I will put some up.

Wish

2009-07-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish I wish tonight...
Becky I wish for you every night!

Love ya,
JP

Here are the most recent cards I sent out 4 you guys.

Cards sent out

2009-06-23T13:08:00.001-07:00

If you want to send something to Becky the address is:
Becky Luker
c/o Green Meadows
7770 Columbus Rd NE
Louisville, OH 44641

Here are pictures of some of the cards I sent out. I decided to send a card for each person. I see that I need to send some more and I'll post those pictures also.

JP

Send A Message

2009-06-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

Hello all,

I am going to send Becky a card and I am going to add some of the things you guys have said. If you want to write something I can add it to the next card I send.

JP

Missing Becky

2009-06-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

I went to see Becky over the Memorial Holiday and I'm already missing her again. We want to go see her over the 4th of July but my daughter has a cheerleading parade that weekend. We went and visited Becky twice over the Memorial Holiday. Both times she was having a hard time staying awake and it was a little hard understanding her. She is in a nursing home and Becky's mom said she wouldn't make it back home. The tumor is intertwined with her nerves which makes it pretty painful. The pain pump is helping her deal with the pain but is throwing off her days and nights. Becky always seemed to thrive at night anyways so it's no surprise that her body is awake at night and wants to sleep during the day. She seemed pretty skinny to me and her hair was growing back but that's all secondary, the goal is just to keep her comfortable at this time and happy.

Always thinking of you Becky
Love your best friend JP

Update from Becky's Mom

2009-04-29T15:52:00.000-07:00

Well first of all please all keep praying, it is working, so far so good. We went to the Pain Management Office today. Dr. Feldman, who the last time he saw Becky she was in hospital bed fast and on bed pan unable to get out of bed, with her Oncologist who has written her off saying this was the end. Well he was smiling from ear to ear as we walk in and walked back to the rooms, he didn't say anything just kept shaking my hand, and explained the pump to Becky cause when they explained it to her last she was clear out of her mind on 16.3 Dialated per hour. She is now with the pump on 2.99 Miligrams per Day, that is a bigggg difference. They put this template on the pump the size of a hockey puck under the skin it shows where to insert needle they took out the old Dilated 5cc and put in the new 19cc. and we are to go back on June the 10th unless we need to up the dosage.

Well we got home, walking out of the office by the way, very slowly of course but still walking out, we drove through the city parks looked at the flowers and the geese we have 100,s of them and we had to stop twice well they crossed the road she was smiling at that.

We got home and she got out the pan to heat up some ham, greenbeans, and potatoe stew and ate 2 bowls of it and some fruit fresh strawberries and pineapple and laid on the couch to watch Judge Judy.

I know to anyone else these things would seem small but I know all of you would know what all of these little things mean.

Thanks so much for all the prayers, and keep praying.

Love to you All Dee (Beckys MOM)

Upcoming Birthday

2009-02-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

March 2nd is Becky's Birthday. Happy Birthday Becky!

Luv ya,
JP

February 17th

2009-02-17T17:49:00.000-08:00

Becky and her mom will be on their way to NIH in the morning for her tests. Becky has had so much pain with these kidney stones. She is finally home and NIH got her scheduled right away to go there. Her CT scan is at 4:15 tomorrow. She will be an inpatient there until at least Sunday.

At least three others from the MPIP are currently at NIH. We make quite a family, all caring for each other! Hoping they all get good reports!

Julie

Update on Becky

2009-02-08T17:38:00.000-08:00

Sorry, it is me again, Julie. Thought you all might want an update. Better from Becky, but I am all you have at the moment!

I continue to check Becky's website daily myself and finally wrote to her mom and got an update. She asked me to post on the MPIP, but thought I would put this one here.

Last Sunday Becky started having some extreme abdominal pain, turned out she has some kidney stones. Those can be so painful. Anyway she was admitted to the hospital last Tuesday and they have changed the stents and zapped the kidney stones. She is currently not having pain in her kidneys but is on an antibiotic because of the stent and this is making her nauseous, so she is still in the hospital at the time being.

She was suppose to go back to NIH two weeks ago for scans, but that coincided with the big snowstorm and Becky didn't feel up to sitting in airports with her reduced immune system. This past week she was in the hospital and couldn't go. NIH is anxious for her to get back for scans to see how things are doing. We are all anxious to hear some good news from Becky!

Julie

At home... resting...

2009-01-06T12:39:00.000-08:00

Hello All!

I'm sorry that it has been awhile since I have posted. After much "deliberation" by the Dr.s at the NIH ~ I was able to come home on New Year's Eve!!! I was soooo Happy :) about that. I made it home with relative ease. It was snowing and amazingly beautiful... looking at all of the wonderful Christmas lights decorated on everyone's homes... it truly was a nice welcome home.
I've not been feeling so well... off and on... but that was to be expected. My immune system will take approximately 6 months to fully get back into order.
I have some amazing friends and family ~ I wouldn't have been able to do this without you.
Right now, the number one priority and goal, is to keep eating... and to eat well. I lost alot of muscle weight, which, apparently isn't a good thing. I've finally begun to eat something other than cheerios and jello!!!
I am hoping to put all of this behind me... I have honestly had quit enough hospitals for now. Although, I am supposed to be going back to my onc for a urine culture... this stint... is causing problems... infections, etc. I'm not sure if it is almost time to change it once again or not... something I need to look into.
It's nice to be home though... so, for now... I am going to enjoy the simplicity of this time. I have jacked my furnace up to 75 degree's and have put on additional heaters... it is now very warm and cozy!!!! (just how I like it)
I hope that all is well with everyone.
I will continue to post ~ as long as I am feeling up to it. Today has been the best I've felt in a long while.
I am keeping all who are fighting in my thoughts (especially Knute ~ who is currently at the NIH doing this treatment)
Take Care my friends ~ and Thank you all... so very much ... for your kindness and concern.
Love,
Becky

Peace and Love

2008-12-27T19:27:00.000-08:00

I know that many of you are still quit busy from the Christmas Season and in preperation for the New Year; however, I wanted to continue with my posts to keep you informed of my progress. I am still at the NIH recieving IV infusions of the antibiotic for my infection. They are bringing in a hyptnotist on Monday to see if there is a possibility to help get me out of here sooner.
I've never been to one ~ so, we shall see what happens. The antibiotics are required to run until Jan. 2 ~ so, it seems as though, I just may be spending the New Year here.
Ok ~ ok ~ I know that I shouldn't be complaining, I truly have had a wonderful opportunity at the gift of life with this treatment. All of your comments, thoughts, prayers, vibes, etc. are ALWAYS more than welcome! Thank YOU!
I know that there are still many of you waiting your opportunity at the gift of life as well. I keep so many in my thoughts and prayers. I have seen alot of heartache since I have been coming to the NIH, but I have also seen alot of miracles...
Dr. Rosenburg even stopped into my room the other day to say "hello" (which, I hear, is something that he does quit infrequently!) I'm a lucky one :)
I'm sorry to say, that there won't be alot of pics posted for awhile. I do so have alot of stored photos from my time and stay here; from a sweet sixteen to a tea party to Christmas Carolers, to Amy and her wonderful prescence and sooooo much more from many, I am blessed and grateful.
Clem, please tell you wife that I absolutely LOVE the blanket! I have used it everyday since I got it in the mail. I have loved and adored all gifts that have been bestowed upon me this holiday season. I have such a wonderful bunch of loving family, co-workers, and friends... even internet family!!! :) I couldn't have done all of this without YOU!!!
Keep the faith ~ Love with all your heart and all will be well. If there is one thing that I have truly learned from all of this... it is... that people truly do hold great compassion and love in there hearts for one another.
I can only hope to return the favor ten fold. I am looking forward to a positive outcome from this treatment... and then... I've given great thought about what to do with my life... and one thing is for sure... in some way, shape, or form, I will find a way to give back in life.

Thanks again, to ALL. Love one another and peace be with you.

My update!

2008-12-26T06:38:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone!

C'est moi, Becky!!!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Christmas.

Unfortunately, it was a bit of a rough one for me, personally ~ I was extremely ill ~
I was supposed to be heading home today ~ but the docs are keeping me another week, until I can get all of the antibiotics in ~ I am having a very difficult time keeping them down by mouth ~ actually ~ it's been hard to keep much down at all ~ something that I've got to work on here this week.
I will be at the NIH for another week ~ yes, another long week. Although, the rough stuff is over!!! Alleliuh. Wow ~ what a treatment is all I can say. Although, the NIH is the best. They are so wonderful here. I don't remember much of the entire event (which, is fine by me!)
As soon as I can get these med's down and all the antibiotics are in... I'll be heading home. I'm ready. I'm really looking forward to getting well ~ the beach is beginning to call me home.
Unfortunatly, my cell phone does NOT work in here, at all. My room phone number is 301-451-2985. I'm in room 2628 on 3NW for one more week. Hopefully, I will be well enough to answer the phone should I be in the room.
I am supposed to try leaving and getting out a bit... to try and see how it goes on my own before I am released.

OK ~ just wanted to briefly update everyone ~ wish them a wonderful holiday season ~ and say Thank you soooo much for all the goodness that has been endowed upon me this season.
The cells are in me! and, I have a correction ~ 60 billion. The MOST that anyone has ever had grown and put back into them (imagine that) those little critters should be causiing great havock on those melanoma cells!!!! keep wishing me well.

Thank you all.
Love, Becky

Bald is Beautiful

2008-12-23T15:31:00.001-08:00

Christmas at the NIH

2008-12-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

3 days to go...

2008-12-21T21:10:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that it is the Monday before Christmas... and all through the house, the stockings were hung, with wishes for all to be well.

I wanted to personally Thank several people... (please excuse me is I miss anyone)

Amy ~ Thank you from the bottom of my heart ~ for your wonderful kindness.. like my mom said "you are a part of the family!" ~ the sweet 16 cookie was a success ~ and I adore the hats and scarves! (whatever you need... whenver you need... we will be here for you too.)
Julie ~ Thank you also ~ for keeping up with my mom and my progress and my blog. You are a doll.
I recieved a wonderful care package from my family and friend at the mpip board/site ~ My picture is posted in my room with all of your names ~ and I am making good use of the warm winter hats!!!!
Kim Deitz ~ Thank you soooo very much for the lovely headbandwrap ! it is something different ! pretty cool, and neat! I've got to get myself some hoop earrings now to wear with it!!! I hope to buy some more after the Holidays!!!!!
Bob, Renee, and Clem ~ once again, I can not Thank you enough for the charitable donations ~ they are a blessing.
Mark Origer ~ I haven't forgotten about you... wow... what an experience. I'll say, it hit me hard ~ like a Mac truck, indeed. yes, indeed; but your care package and donation was so gracious :) Please Thank everyone at your station for me. Everyone loves the Postal Bear ~ he is sitting in my hospital room with all of my letters/cards that have been delievered with a Happy, Holly, Jolly, Santa hat!
To each and everyone of my family members and friends who have been by my side or taken the time to be by my side ~ regardless if I were only sick and sleeping ~ it still means alot to me. As well, to those at home ~ Todd, Thanks for looking after my house (ps... please make sure to keep out all flying bats) ~ inside joke: during my stay in the hospital in October squirells started coming into my home... it was like a wildlife refugee camp... and when you would try to shooo them away... they would fly at you (or so, I was told... pst... personally, I think something fishy might be going on around here!)

Ok ~ enough for one night ~ need to get my rest... long day ahead... ultrasound of the kidneys again... looking for infection of the stint, etc... and hopefully, my counts will be up... I'd like to go find a wig.

Enjoy your day.

ps....Johnny, hey, I tried to leave you a post and send a message... either the chemo has completely whipped me out or I am completely stupid!!! lol... either way, I'm glad to read that you are stable... you are right... stable is good ~ for us. We are still here, living strong, and fighting even stronger!!! I hope that you enjoy your Holiday Season. I am thinking of you :) ...waiting for more of your wonderful stories and pics.

Greg... no, no... I didn't forget you, how could I? never. Tracey either ~ please relay my greetings ~ and Holiday Cheer :)
I wanted to let you know that I am fighting. I am fighting this... with all I have. I hope that you can make the best of your season. Perhaps get in another visit to Canada? Please be sure to let your family know as well, that they are in my thoughts and prayers.

I send my Love,
Becky

~

4 more days...

2008-12-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

it's hard to believe how fast time passes us by. I hope that everyone takes a few moments to reflect with great passion this year ~ on the love and warmth that they give, have, and radiate to all ; it means more than anything monetary. Take a few moments to just say "thanks" ~

I've thanked the Universerse for all that has been shown and given to me.

Enjoy the Holidays and Festivities!!! :)

******************************************
quick update: I am still neuatrapenic ~ and continue to wait and anticipate the growth of my cell counts.
Today I am being given 2 more units of blood transfusion. That will make a total of 6 blood transfussions and 3 white cell transfussions....
hopefully, my body will soon start to produce its own in mass!! Keep up the good thoughts, vibes, and prayers.

Love, Becky

If you could only listen...

2008-12-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

oh ~ *sigh* ~ in the middle of the night, while your child, children, spouse, pet, or significant other lye lye less than 10 feet or so away... if you could only awaken yourself enough to listen to the sheer quietness... or the slight patter and rhthym of their heart beat. If you could only take that moment and hold it with you ~ before it enters the realm of long lost forgotten and unheard of composure's; you would find great magic abound.
Countless times I have sat and just watched my daughter lye still; her left arm always untucked from the comfort of her blanketing shield. The face; that baby doll face withthe same exact smalll protruding eyes, ears, and mouth. Skin so delicate and sweet you would swear that it weren't meant to be put on a Gerber's Life Insurance Policy or product.
"O" Oprah!!!! Santa Baby, don't you hurry down that chimmney tonight.

Life is peculiar in a nutshell.

I have serious been blessed by an angel in the heaven above our sky's ~ I have serious been been given many great talents and enchriching family and friends.

I am at this very moment awake in my hospital bed. The room is dancing with Christmas cheer. It brings glee to heart to show and post the kindness and generousity which has touched my spirit.

The mood is not meek, by any means. It is prosperous, desirous, and sweet.

I have endured some of the roughest treatments possible. It has felt like an entire old school rugby team came at me from every which direction ther can me. As many know, I'm a strong, stubborn, brave ass!!!

I have just about lost the majority of my hair ~ today, it was so stringy, that I finally asked my mother to cut it off ~ ear's length. It continues to fall; and I will continue the battle.

I remember way back when... I wrote a post asking whether bald is beautiful : and I am now pleased to inform you, that there is beauty in baldness :) without a doubt!!!

I'm hoping to start feeling well enough to leave the hopital on a day pass next week so that I may either find a wig or two ~ and some electrifying scarves with dangling earrings to boot!!!

Re-invention is fun! It's the mind which won't permitt, which feeds on the frenzy, to degate it's "political~sa"tire".

I have a whrilwind of thoughts ~ that I would like to express... but, let's just take it one step at a time.
Remember ~ The Power of: YOU is the only thing holding and stopping you dead in your tracks.
So, Get up and Re-Vive and Stay Alive!!!

I send all my love ~
(yes, I will still be at the NIH the week of Christmas. As of now ... my immune system is still whiped out; which means...that any little germ... could potentially be fatal)...

Thanks again, for avidly reading!
I send my love, Becky

(ps. I will send photos from here soon)

***************************

2008-12-19T17:56:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone I heard that it is snowing back home and in many other parts ~Reno, Las Vegas... WOW
Please excuse my grammer and proper political awareness within my speech. I feel as though I have been big time old time rugby football. They just keep attacking me from every which way. I really finished my treatments last saturday... and I thought ~ WWO this wasn't as back as i thought i would be... but, no one, and i do mean mean... no one could prepare me for this.....

b right back....

nurse is here...

December 18

2008-12-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

So I called tonight, and Becky herself answered the phone. She sounded very tired but it was good to speak to her. She said she had been sleeping around the clock the last couple of days and tomorrow they are going to give her some platelets.

She has made it through the treatment! It only gets better from here!

She did say her hair is starting to come out in clumps. Totally expected but still must be difficult to experience.

She is a determined one, our Becky is! Hanging in there.

Julie

December 16th

2008-12-16T14:08:00.000-08:00

I wasn't able to reach Dee last evening, but just talked to her now. Becky is having a rough time, but it isn't unexpected. Lots of nausea and they sedated her this afternoon and she is sleeping. She did the 7 doses of IL2 and finished those on Sunday, so now she is recovering from all the treatments. And those treatments are really rough on your body.

Once her immune system gets up to a certain level, they will let her go home but she will still need to be careful for a while, Dee says it takes about six months before her immune system is back to normal. They don't expect to be able to go home until after Christmas. She should gradually start to feel better though, at least better then she is now!

She has received several blood transfusions and some platelets. Sounds like they are taking good care of her. Hopefully this phase won't last long.

I am sure she will be on here typing away before we know it!

Julie

Hospital Menu: "bauhm"...

2008-12-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

ooop

there it is.... The National Cancer Institute has served me; and me alone, 60 million plus 4 white blood cells friday afterdaynoon! They were a think o f beauty ~ My research nursed let me hold them in the palm of my hand, much like a mother rocking and craddling her new born baby for the first time.
It was a great accoplishmenat and feet for many who were involved. The National Cancer Institute is wonderful The team of cell Doctor' and all who were involed made a very heart heartwarming card for us.
I t was so touching to actually see with pure clarity the pearlly colors of my cells. A tinkle was in my eye :) (if you can only imagine!)
Please keep your thougths and prayers and prayers on high alert for all of this... The Power of: you makes a grave difference.
Next weekend I will try and plan on having a "surprise sweet 16" party for her ~ nothing elaborate... it's an age of becomoing... and whether she realizes it of not... it is an age that through which many opstacles were given to her.
I continue to firmly believe that there is a greater purpose for the vision ~ and that someday, she to, will have here "ah, ha" moment.. in life.
Untill then, let's just celebrate a wonderful person, with the power and potiental for an extraordinary life :)

It's a dreary 10:30 pm at the NIH. The halls are all
but vacant, awaiting the dawn and anticipation of workds, a scurry and hutle ofd creativity.
And, As I sit down to take take my warmn winnters nap (pending the warm blankets that are on their way...) I am to reminded how this journey, or mine began

sorry now... getting light-headed and very tired... vomited quit a bit this eve... I believe that that discssion is ot qquit the main treamtmes.....ill keep you up to date asap love ya!
ps im have a great Chalie Brown Christmas!!! L) small tree wth ligths and presents...exciting///you've made my day :)

Over 60 Million Served!

2008-12-14T16:34:00.003-08:00

Over 60 Million Served!

2008-12-14T16:34:00.001-08:00

December 14th

2008-12-14T14:28:00.001-08:00

Things continue to go well at NIH for Becky, great news! She has now completed 7 doses of IL2 following the administration of her cells on Friday and she felt well enough today to eat half of a BLT sandwich. She will continue to get the IL2 until her body says enough. She is hanging in there like the trouper we all know she is.

I understand she expects to post herself in the near future too. She writes so much more eloquently then I do! We will all be glad to have her back at the keyboard.

Julie

December 12

2008-12-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

Becky has received her cells! She was given 60 billion of them at 1:30 this afternoon. Around 3:30 she received her first treatment of IL2 and is currently sleeping.

Work cells, work!

Becky, you are doing so well and what an inspiration for us all. All our prayers and thoughts are with you for a wonderful success story which I know you will share in the future with us here and on the MPIP. What an encouragement you will be to all those newly diagnosed!

Julie

December 10th

2008-12-10T16:01:00.001-08:00

Becky continues to hold her own. She is still tired and got a transfusion today, which is a usual thing because of the chemo drugs she is on. She gets her last dose of the easier chemo tomorrow morning at 5 and will be all ready for the cells on Friday at about noon. Once she gets those she will start feeling really ill again, and even moreso once she starts the IL2 treatments after that. She gets as many of those as she can take and then it is a matter of waiting until her immune system kicks back in before she can go home, usually a couple of weeks or so.

You are getting there Becky! Things are moving along and you are fighting tough! Keep it up!

Julie

December 9th - Still Smiling

2008-12-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

So I was a little worried last night when I couldn't reach anybody in Becky's room. Dee did write me tonight and I also talked to her after, Becky continues to do fine. She is still having a lot of problems with nausea but is more alert now and able to walk around a little bit. She is tired from not getting much sleep and the chemo. All is still a go for her getting the cells on Friday. Until then, she will receive the milder chemo each day.

Last night Dee had gone down to the craft room to make a sweatshirt for Becky. I didn't let the phone ring long not wanting to disturb Becky if she was sleeping. I figured somebody would pick up pretty quick if they were there.

Julie

December 7th

2008-12-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

Hello: Made my nightly phone call and spoke with Dee, Becky's mom, tonight. Becky is having a rough time of it but nothing they don't expect. They just gave her the next IV of chemo, the easier kind. She has spent most of the day sleeping and being nauseous from the treatment last night, but that is to be expected. She is running a low grade fever and they have run some tests to check for infection.

They expect her to start feeling better tomorrow. The chemo she is on now is an easier one to tolerate. She should be feeling better the rest of this week, until she gets her cells on Friday.

On another note, today would have beeen Becca's 37th birthday. Becca and Becky did their IL2 together last February but unfortunately it didn't work for either of them. I know Becca really wanted to get back to NIH and do the TIL program that Becky is doing now, but she never made it. Much prayers and hopes that this will be the miracle that Becky needs to return to a normal life.

Julie

December 6th

2008-12-06T15:00:00.000-08:00

I spoke to Becky's sister tonight. She had a rough night but that is to be expected since she is undergoing the difficult part of the chemo treatment. She got one treatment last night and was undergoing the second one tonight when I spoke with her sister. She has been sleeping a lot and had some nausea and hasn't been able to keep much down, but her vital signs are good and she is making it through. After today she will start a different chemo and should feel better while on that one, until she receives her cells next Friday the 12th. Then the rough part will start again.

We are all rooting for you Becky! You are getting there!

Julie

chemo is running through me now.....

2008-12-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

today's thoughts, expressions, and views are being brought to you by ME! So much has been lost in translation... so much time has passed since I have written ~ as you can imagine, much was left unsaid. While in the midst of taking a "break ~ away" from cancer, I became ill for several days. Basically, I just lost alot of sleep time and was very week and too tired to truly want to do anything.
This past sunday evening at about 1 am ~ I began to vomitt profusely throughout the night. (a major concern considering I was attempting to gain weight for this treatmetl } I ended up in my local hopital's er ~ I had noticed that I had basically all but depleted my morhpine supply through excretions. The pain became so completely untolerable; which yields to further problems within the boday that began to spiral out of contrl. I was given 10 ml of IV morphine within a two hour spand *whick is basically a sign of just how bad my body was feeling without* severe pain leads to nausea...and then to vomitting... a vicous cycle. I was then given a shot of zophran (which helps to control the feelings of nasea)
I was then realised and send home. During which, at this point, I had lost about 5lbs. So, I called the NIH to find out what their plan of action was with this little set back. They said... get on that plane and we will take care of you... and we will find out what is wrong. All Ct and Mri scans came back basically the same : 1 expection, that tumour has grown slighly, but this was to be expected. The wonderful news, it has not been spread to any major organs.
In a very weak, light headed, and dizzy state, I took their advice and here I am.
Here I am 1 hour prior to my first chemo injections sitting on my bed, wrighting to you in grave anticipation, and frought with complete anxiety.
It is an hour long infusion ~ along with many any meds ~ to help stabalize the blader which will aid in getting the chemo out of my body. Lasix ~ to help get rid of a lot of water retention throught my body.

You'll have to excuse me, I was given antivan ~ its for anxiety and nausea ~ as well, the zophran is running again.
My thoughts may be a bit jungled, please bear with.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I did get my permanet port line put in my upper right chest ~ it is stitched to my colar bone and is realy hurting! crazy place for that! As well, I have an antinausea patch behind my ear, and a slew of other drugs that may be used just in case these don't. Also,,, I have recently started a pain medicine patch (natrually a narcotic) on my upper right arml~ it gets changed every 72 hours. It's much better than worrying about taking morphine orally by mouth every two...and given the crazy drowsey side effects... this Fentanyl patch works quit well.
The pain managment team has been in... they are going to order me a bracelet to wear ~ as well, a massage and massage therapy chair (to be used when I'm feeling much better)
The time is actually here. I have about 6 bags of stuff running through my poor little body!!!!
Cells are on a "go" status.
I've got to believe that this is the Big One. The one which will kick melanoma in its ass. I am ready to move on with my life~
Oh, I forgot to mention... Jacque from pain management wants me to interview his students/viceversa about bedside manners/mannersim... he is teaching Dr.s to not only treat the diseas but the human being as well. I completely agree!!! One good deed at a time.

You have all amazed me!!! Please forgive me a head of time ~ if I'm not feeling so wel to speak or converse for long periods of time.... I may be an on-looking... sharing the great effort. I sooo do look forward to meeting more of you and putting a face with a name.
ok hhavong a bit of trouble... may need to say my good-bye's for now...
You are all berry blessed and unique ~ Such wonderful people. Keep up your own fight ~ and hopefully someday I will be able to help return a favor. (lets hope it will be on a much better note!!!)

PS... I was wondering if anyone had any nice scarves that I may used? or catalogues online so that I may order some and have them shipped here to me... because I only two winter hats... (and that's not going to cut it~) lol...
I want to look pretty...oh, so pretty...
Take Care Love Becky

Good News! December 4

2008-12-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

I just talked to Dee, Becky's mom, and Becky got good news today, her scans showed the melanoma has not spread beyond where it already was. I know she was so worried that it had spread into her brain with the headaches she was having. Anyway, she starts some medication this evening at 8 for her gallbladder,evidently this chemo is really rough on your gallbladder. Tomorrow the lab will check the cells to see if they are ready. If they are, the chemo will start, if not they may need another day or so.

Becky has been moved to a private room for the treatment. All systems are go and she will soon be off and kicking some major melanoma ***!

KMA Becky!

Julie

December 3rd

2008-12-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

Hi! This is Julie, I am an e-mail friend of Becky's and hope to keep an update current on her progress at NIH. I just spoke to her mom and they are there. Becky is scheduled for tests today. They are both tired from the trip and the tests! I believe she has had her CT scan and is scheduled for an MRI later tonight. Tomorrow she is scheduled to get her port in.

An idea of mine to support Becky while she is there this month is to send her Christmas cards with a picture of you in it. They have a board they can post things up on and she can look up and see all the people who care about her. She had posted her address below. I have got to get my picture taken to send to her myself!

Much love, prayers and support headed your way, Becky!

Julie

Head Wraps and Jewels

2008-11-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

I wasn't even sure that I was going to post today ~ Over the course of the past several days, I have had alot on my mind ~ and my subconsious is not make matters any better for that matter! I feel as though I am carrying a small tumour baby around with me ~ it's crazy. It's such an odd feeling. I am having alot of pressure ~ much similiar to when you are carrying a baby who is laying on your bladder, numbness, and varying pain.
I have been trying to keep myself as relaxed as possible and as stress free as possible. Yes, I have been running from stress for the past several months. I do not have the time or energy to allow my mind or body to dwell on and subcomb to potential dangers.
Overall, I believe that I have been making alot of improvements ~ for the good, naturally, in my life. I have been reading how stress and your environment can seriously effect your body and its ability to fight off disease and illness. I have also read that meditation can help clear the mind and "de-toxify" the body.
Without a doubt, I am in a much better place ~ locality, spiritually, mentally, physically, and psychologically, speaking. I feel alive and well. It is a great feeling.
I am trying not to let the thoughts of next week creep up upon me. It seems as though my senses and emotions are extremely hightened at this time. Some of the littlest and simpliest things cause tears to swell.
I am doing my best to think about the "here and now" ~ my sister made a great point; that December is not here yet, to enjoy what I have now ~ to live in the moment ~ not two weeks away.
I was watching Oprah the other day and she had a show on about women and beauty around the world. I really enjoyed the piece about the women and men who shaved their heads and offered their hair to the gods, it was considered a great honor. I as well, really liked many of the colorful wraps that the Eastern women wore around their heads and the jewels in the middle of the forehead.
I honestly think, that I may try to look into this. In all honesty, their faces looked beautiful. I would love to get some of the wonderful colorful head wraps and jewels ~ if anyone has any suggestions or knows anyone who may be able to help, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.
I keep asking God to give me the strength to make it through this treatment. As well, I ask that this treatment give me hope. If the treatment does not work, there is very little beyond that that can be done ~ I was told that surgeries may be an option ~ but only as a means to help cut out some of the growth of the tumour. As well, there may be other treatment options to try ~ but overall, this is the only one with the greatest chance/s of working.
Regardless of the outcome ~ I am forever grateful for the lessons that I have been learning in my life and the experiences that I have been granted. They have been lifesavers.

Spirit Flys...

2008-11-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

This was the exerpt from a piece that I just posted on the Mpip family bulletin and post. Someone named Santa had asked me if it would be alright to send small gifts or flowers to the NIH during Christmas ~ and many ohthers wished me well while mentioning that I had great spirit.

Hello all my wonderful Mpip family and friends!!!

I am gearing up to kick melanoma's ass!!!

This is for all our past warriors ~ angels in the heaven and sky. They have given me unwavering strength and courage to fight on ~ I take with me the spirit that flys high from above from all your lost loves ~ I plan on fighting this damn beast ~ and winning in their honour!
For Becca especially ~ this time will remind me of our Il-2 experience at the NIH and the cheers that you all gave "the IL-2 Queens" ~ I will never forget.

PS
Dear Santa ~
Remember how exciting it was to write your letter to Santa when you were a young kid? The sheer anticipation of his arrival with your gifts, left under the Christmas tree to be open by your avail and surprise?
What a glorious time in life. Childlike dreams of a man who brought cheer and joy to a season filled with laughter and love.
Even though I am now an older adult the child within me still screams to write to Santa. My letter to Santa this year will not be to yield presents of fine galoure.
What I ask this year from Santa ~ is for an understanding of peace. For my family to realize that as I struggle throughout these years for my life and time that solace has filled the air.
I would love nothing more than for my family to deeply understand and appreciate the grandeur picture; that it is not always the fight that counts.
It is the grattitude that I have towards them for helping me ~ helping me to pull myself through many difficult days, months, and weeks. For all of the struggles that I have overcome ~ I could not have done it without you.
Even though, many times ~ you may not feel or see the love or appreciation ~ it is unconditionally there.
I would like Santa's gift to be that of one of peace ~ to be brought to my family ~ regardless of the outcome of this upcoming procedure.
I know that in many ways ~ these years have been tough on many in so many different ways ~ but I need everyone to know ~ that the part that you played ~ has made a significant difference.
Naturally, my attitude and emotions have been severely affected by the onsight of all the drama that comes along with batttling a fight agains cancer. It is a beast ~ sent out to destroy.
My letter to Santa merely asks for knowledge of comfort. Of course, I would be lying if I didn't mention that I would like Santa to give me strong battling melanoma warrior cells!!! (go kick ass!!!) Santa,
Give me the finest ass kickin' battling melanoma war battling anti cancer fighting cells ~ the best of the best ~ let's hit them with our best shot ~ our very own artilerary!!!
Let's all learn to appreciate that the part that we played in the battle was of great significance. Everyone ~ and I do mean everyone ~ played a role in helping me gain the wisdom, experience, knowledge, courage, and spirit to look cancer straight on... and say: "go ahead an take me" ~ you don't scare me. I believe that looking straight at death ~ and learning not to be afraid of it ~ has been the best thing that has come of this journey. It has forever changed my life and perspective on life.
So Santa ~ gather all of your flying spirits and give me their sheer strength, determination, and will.

PS ~
HO! HO! HO! I almost forgot to mention!!! Absolutely!!! Feel free to send anything that you would like to the NIH ~ if I am unable to have it in the room during my chemo I will just have my mom take it to her room or have the nurses put it on the station desk until I am able to put it in my room.
Basically, I was told that there shouldn't be a problem and that I may even put a tree in my room if I would like. I truly hope to have my room decorated for Christmas... it would make it seem that much for cheerful, joyful, and spirited!!!

Thanks for waiting...

2008-11-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry that it has been a bit since I have posted ~ but, I do Thank you all for your unwavering concern and support. Pre-chemo/TIL treatments I decided to "take a break" from cancer. I wanted to steer clear; stay as far away from the thoughts and emotions related to my upcoming experience.
I had several days which were to say the least, very rough ~ I'm not completely sure what the reason but I honestly do believe that the underlying problem was the fact that I tried to and decided to quit the morphine pain med's ~ cold turkey. I felt like crap ~ complete crap to be honest with you. Another one of those times when I had wished that I were dead.
I have been having quit a few of those days ~ which makes the surrealism of this entire journey all that more real. Indeed, the time has come to inform you that my the wheels are in motion. The NIH has called me and I am to start my journey with the TIL on December 3.
To say that I am scared ~ is a complete understatement. My mother has asked me if I am ready, she has said that she is. My truthful answer "no". How can someone ever be ready for such a harsh and toxic chemical treatment with side-effects that range all the way to death?
She then proceeded to mention my alternative: the inevitable with cancer: death.
Plain and simply, my answer; I am at peace, ready and prepared. I am no longer fearful of death and the taboo that our society has infringed and ingrained upon us about this topic.
I have come to peace with many issues in my life lately ~ which is what this time "out-away" was meant for and all about. Personal and interpersonal issues which I would like to address and resolve.
What saddens me the most, is that I will not have my "other half" by my side. I feel that it would be soooo much easier if I had a love in my life. I have longed for love throughout this entire journey and I know how difficult it is/must be for anyone to truly get involved with me.
Although, I do not completely understand... I try to. One of my downfalls is Love. This is the longest that I have went without. This is the longest and first time in my life that I have been given the opportunity to think about what I want. What I want for myself. Is it lonely? Absolutely. Do I want to share my life with someone ~ unequivacably, yes; without a doubt in my mind or heart.
For now, I will continue to stay strong and headfast on my own two feet. Cancer has taught me many things. I am learning how positive thought can influence your every need.
I have always been an optimist, that will never change. As Sir Winston Churchill stated: "I aman optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else." I have always looked for the good in everything that surrounds me and now, for the first time, I am looking at myself; for the good that comes from within. I have alot to offer. We all do. Alot of good qualities ~ that are just beginning to be "tapped" into.
For the first time in my entire life ~ I am at peace. I am relaxed and at one with myself, nature, and the life that has been given to me.
I have finally come to realize that morphine and pain med's are needed to help control this disease, the tumours which are growing inside of me. It has been a very difficult path to walk along.
Most recently, I have found another larger lump in my right leg ~ which is undoubtably another tumour mass. As well, I have been having some pains in my brain ~ in three identified spots. It never gets any easier.
It is hard for others to believe or understand that just because I already have cancer that it is any easier to continue to find a new tumour... one after another; especially when you get rid of one and then another appears.
It is extremely discouraging, upsetting, and disappointing. Just as I have begun to embrace the fact that one tumour has been removed ~ another sets in in sheer dismial.
I understand that this treatment could "potential" be a cure ~ and for that matter, it is the only reason that I am taking the risk. As I have mentioned earlier ~ I am at peace with my death. There have already been many times when I had wished that I would no longer suffer and have wished for the bright lights at the end.
Culturally, the subject of death is not handled so well, it is treated as something "taboo", much like the issue of aging. I can honestly say, that I often look at elder's and think... I may never get the chance to experience the grace and wisdom that comes with aging. I may never get to experience gray hair and wrinkles back ache and pain! (lol... not that I haven't already experienced that) :)
Regardless, this is my journey~ through my youth and I have been very grateful to have experienced and shared it with you.
Now, onto the "reality" ~ which I have been avoiding throughout this post.
My tenative itinerary for December (pending there are no brain mets or other problems/complications)
It all begins on December 3. I fly out at 6 am to Baltimore. I am to be admitted to the NIH and have my bloodwork completed by 2. I have a ct scan at 3 and an mri at 7.
December 4. I am to have a very large and permanent catheder put into a vein in my chest which runs to my heart for all of the IV meds.
December 5-6. I will start my first bouts of chemo. Cytoxen. Which I was told is an extremely rough one. I will have anti-nausea meds, pain meds, and fluids to help the bladder work properly. I will be asked to awaken every 2 hours to urinate ~ so that I may be watched for any infections or problems that may arise.
I was told that I will NOT be sleeping at all during this treatment and that is was going to be a rough one.
December 7. I will start another chemo called 5FU or flubedamen. This will been given over the course of the next five days. As the days begin to progress, I was told that I will begin to feel better and that I may even be well enough to get a day pass to leave the hospital to go out to eat or get a wig if I feel up to it.
December 12. My Cells will be given to me at noon. It is a one time 20 minute process, which is the heart and soul of this procedure ~ it is what will be the determining factor ~
it will as well, be another rough day.
but, I pray... that my cells are now working hard for this day. I pray that they are the cure, the miracle answer.
Two hours after this procedure, I will be given the IL-2. I was told that initially, it will not be as difficult to tolerate as before ~ simply because my immune system will be completely out ~ and it will not be trying to fight anything. Eventually, as it begins to reckognize my cells ~ I will have the same side-effects as I did before when I took this treatment.
Alone, this treatments was rough ~ I can't imagine... combined, how my body will tolerate all of this. I will keep up the positive thoughts and vibes ~
I continue to welcome your throughts and prayers ~ the power of one multiplied ~ has an expansive effect.
I will most definately be at the NIH on Christmas Day. I will not be able to be released until after Christmas, regardless of the outcome. This will be a Christmas to remember.
I do sooo much welcome any visitors, phone calls, cards, etc. It honestly will keep me going. I will have a notepad by the phone so that, if a nurse or someone is near ~ then can take a message or at least write down who has called.
The address of the NIH: (and my wonderful nurse correspondent, Kathleen Morton)
National Cancer Institute
c/o Kathleen Morton
Building 10-CRC, 3-1730
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

or

National Cancer Institute
Patient Mail 3NW
Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Bethesda, MD 20892

the phone number to the nurses station to ask about me or get my room number and room phone number: 301-451-0789
You may call anytime day or night 24 hours a day. Someone is always there and more than likely, I will be be up at all/varying hours of the day and night.

I hope that I have covered it all. I hope that I haven't forgotten anything, but, I am sure that I probably have. For now ~ I leave you with the thought, that I am doing well ~ a little emotionally upset and scared to death ~ but, I am working on stay completely relaxed... focused, positive, and strong.
I hope that you too ~ are doing well. Have courage and continue to cultivate an openness and awareness to yourself and new things.

I loved this one:
"Masquearading as a normal person day after day is exhausting"~ anonymous.

take care my friends ~ Love, Becky. I will always be apart of your life; heart and soul.

The attraction.

2008-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

I have just begun to read the book entitled: "The Secret", which explicitly states that "we're all working with one power. One law. It's attraction! The Secret is the law of attraction. You can see the law of attraction everywhere. You draw everything to yourself. The people, ... your whole life is a manifestation of the thoughts that go on in your head".

We are all constantly drawing attraction to oursleves through ourselves and I am happy to say that I have most definately attracted and drawn some of the greatest human beings, which I call friends into my life.
You have all been such a wonderful group of support. Your thoughts, words, prayers, and comfort guide me daily throughout me journey. I would not be here, without you ~ and that, is not an understatement.
From the very beginning, when I found and attracted Amy Bushby, Carver, Becca, Greg, and Tracey, I found Hope, Belief, and Faith within the human spirit ~
it's called kindness. It has grown ten fold up until this point and I hope that at some point within my lifetime, I will be able to reciprocate and coney the appreciation that is due.
To all who are considering a visit to the NIH in the month of December ~ I sincerely look forward to meeting YOU. I know that many have asked about the visiting hours, directions, and many other questions. To the best of my knowledge, they do have visiting hours similar to that of a hospital. I will leave the number to nurses station desk on 3NW so that you may call with any/all of your questions/concerns. I will also give you the address for your directional purposes and for those of you who will not be able to make the trip ~ just in case you would like to send a Special Holiday Greeting Card.
I have asked if I may decorate my room for the Holidays and much is dependant upon how I am feeling. It seems logical that during the chemo dosing (the first several days) I will not be able to have much in the room. I am gearing up!!!
The aphoresis went well! The Doctor said that the amount of cells that they recieved from the procedure should help my lab cells grow in the millions!!! (yeah!!! let's keep up the faith ~ good killer cells ~ take over and grow!!!)
As well, my sister has informed me, that we may be able to go to New York ~ to get our hair cut and donated to locks of love. The guy on the show "What not to wear" apparently has offered his servies to us for free. I was very excited and touched to hear this. I am hoping that she will be able to make this a reality.
I have been surrounded by some very wonderful and special people in my life. I could not have done this or gotten to this point in my life without them. I can never say enough ~ to show my sincerity ~ to all. The law of attraction simply does work.
At this very moment, my sister and her husband's side of the family are gathered around to say their last farewells to a lovely lady, who battled cancer as well. My brother-in-law's mother and family have been told that it has come time for her to depart.
I am saddened for my brother-in-law and his family. This disease takes a great deal out not only on the cancer patient but the family and friends as well. At this very moment all of my thoughts and prayers go out to his mother and circle of family and friends.
Please keep all in mind ~ who battle ~ and all those who support the will to live and the incredulous fight.

~"celebrate the good feelings...emotions are an incredible gift"~

Mission Accomplished!

2008-11-07T11:51:00.000-08:00

All I can say is "what a day"! I am very tired but trying my best to hold out until later this evening. I have once again been overwhelmed by the events of the day. It's exhausting work ~ staying in the hospital! (lol...)
BRight and early at 6 am I was taken to the unit to put a catheder in my femural artery. I was once again given sedative medicine. The Doctor was so funny... he told me to trust him that the medicine was good stuff... he has taken it once or twice! Such crazy Doctor's here ~ yet, they are extremely competent. I don't even think that I had gotten to sleep by the time he was finished with the procedure.
This was my first time for this particular procedure and it was quit similiar to the stint placement. I would imagine that I should be ready next month for my pic line placement. They are going to put it in my shoulder and run it to my heart.
I have been given so many details and facts about next months treatment. I was told that I will be able to get a wig while I was here and that I probably wouldn't loose my hair right away. They also have a barber who will come up to your room to shave/cut your hair when you are ready.
They have discussed all aspects of the treatment and possible side effects with me. I will be monitered quit well. As for the aphoresis this morning, all went well. My blood was taken out and re-circulated into my body 5 times. They got a nice amount of cells which I am very happy about. It was discomforting and I had much pain from the tumor because I did not have my am meds. However, the med's are now in me and I finally got some food in my stomach.
I wanted to get word out so that everyone would know that all went well. I just need to keep an eye on the vein to make sure that it clots properly. They didn't stitch it up ~ just compressed it. This will be something to keep my eye on.
Well, I am still a bit dizzy and tired so I will try to get a cat nap in. I hope that everyone has a nice weekend.
Before I end this post ~ on an afterthought, I wanted to inform you of Simon's passing. If you were following his posts at cancerjournal ~ he is from England ~ and battled bravely. You may link to him from my site and send your condolences. Yet another great melanoma warrior lost.
Take Care
I send my Love,
Becky

The Power of: YOU... shines through.

2008-11-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your wonderful posts :)

Your spirit shines through...

You have all been such a great "cheer-squad"! Although there has been much pain recently ~ you held steadfast and strong. It means a great deal to me and I want to take the time to Thank you ~ in all sincerity.

I have had alot on my mind lately, since the news ~ that I would be spending Christmas at the NIH. I was thinking... "Chemo for Christmas"
what a gift, but, I know that there is an underlying and greater gift ~ of life ~ if this treatment works. I am praying for my miracle ~ my cure.
This treatment is extremely important, as many of you are aware. It is basically the only treatment with a 50-50 chance... other treatments are 20% at best.
I'm not going to let the numbers, figures, and stats interfere with my path, course, and regiment. I am here, now, at the NIH. They have taken my bloodwork ~ and in the early am I will have my aphoresis. I am still waiting to see the Dr. this evening as I have many questions and concerns.
It is hard to believe that I will be here for the entire month of December. I have asked everyone to please help decorate my room ~ for Christmas. I want it to be a "feastavous miracle" ~ I want Christmas spirit and cheer all around. My mom has informed me that she is going to bake christmas cookies at the lodge. She plans on giving them out to everyone!!!
It will most definately be a different kind of Christmas ~ one to be remembered. It will also be my daughter's sweet 16. Her and I are both saddened by the fact that we won't be able to be together to celebrate this day. However, I did tell her, that I plan on fighting this so that we may share her 16th and my 40th birthday ~ together.
She woke up in the middle of the night, several nights ago... and send me this message:
she opened her eyes
and was on a cloud
a man appeared
and said aloud
you've lived a life
once so beautiful
yet so strong
take my hand
no fear allowed
no tears to shred
or pain to feel
just love and happiness
for all eternity
while many on earth
may cry and shout
you shall be safe
from all no doubt
for you are here
to be adored
by all you see
now through eternity
withoug a doubt
your always fighting
and I love you for that
stay who you are
not just for me
but for god you'll see
we love you for who you are
that woman you are
that mother you are
that beautiful soul
and loving heart
no matter what
you will always be
~My Mother~
~I Love You~
prayin 4 her

We have sat and discussed many of our fears. We have had many quiet and emotional moments. She remembered a time, when she was younger, when I got sick and she took care of me ~ she feed me grapes. For some odd reason, both of us remember and cheerish some of the simpliest days. I assured her that she could come be by my side at the NIH during her Christmas break... and that she could once again, come feed me those grapes.

It's odd how, in one's life, some of the greatest pleasures have come from remedial things. Pleasure and joy ~ simply can not be bought. Throughout the course of this journey, I have completely learned ~ that even though money is a necessity to live ~ it is not what ultimately buys us happiness. It's not that I really ever believed this theory ~ but, I can see how ~ during certain courses and periods of time, within my life ~ I thought and believed ~ I had a greater financial need. I wanted money ~ to make me happy. I'm not sure when and where I tended to stray... just a little bit ~ off the beaten path ~ but, in all honesty... I have been happy ~ without.
It's what you make of yourself and life ~ that truly counts and memories are not something that can be bought. Finding the greatest of pleasure in the people who surround you ~ now that ~ is truly worth far more than gold itself.

Let yourself shine through in all that you do.

NIH NEWS...

2008-11-03T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ok ~ Cheering and applauding ~ now allowed!!! It's official: my cells are growing in the lab and actively fighting the melanoma!!! Way to go! :)

So, I won't have much time. I will be flying out to Bethesda this Thursday so that early Friday a.m. I will be able to do my aphresis. This procedures usually takes about 4 hours for me (my veins never co-operate!).
I will then return home for about 2 weeks, at which time, I am hoping to spend some time ~ solo ~ to find my Zen ~ peace ~ before the TIL treatment starts.
I will be scheduled to start the TIL at the beginning of December, right after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, it looks as though I may be at the NIH during/throughout Christmas.
It's going to be rough... but, my fellow assured me that on the onset of any problems, they will stop the procedure. I will also, most definately loose all of my hair (which, I was already well aware of). She said that basically the first several days of chemo were rough to tolerate... but, I won't let my mind go there, right now.
I will leave the address for the NIH ~ all well wishes will greatly be appreciated.
I'm not sure who, if anyone will be able to keep up with my posts here... I will do my best to find someone.
The National Cancer Institue
c/o Suzanne Inchauste, M.D. for Rebecca Luker
10 Center Drive
Building 10, Floor 3NW
Bethesda, MD 20892

Pray that this is the miracle cure! Thank you Mark Origer for your wishes and thoughts ~ I am so happy for your continued NED status! Mark is one of the first to be cancer free from the TIL treatment at the NIH. He continues to stay in contact and send's his thoughts, prayers, and support as so many of you do.
Thank You All
My Best,
Becky

Going Beyond

2008-11-03T09:22:00.001-08:00

Going Beyond ~ Maya Image

Inherent in the nature of humans is the desire to improve and better ourselves. This process of going beyond our current limitations is often referred to as “self transcendence.” Self Transcendence can apply to any aspect of our being; the physical self transcendence of running faster; the mental self transcendence of going beyond our purely egoistic thinking.

However at the heart of self transcendence is a spiritual concept that we are growing into a more illumining nature and gaining a wider perspective of our true self.

Self transcendence is not competing with others. Self transcendence is a personal journey of self discovery. To practise self transcendence we need personal effort, willingness to change. However self transcendence needs to involve an awareness that our success doesn’t just involve our “little I”, but also the universal self (or bigger “I”).

Spiritual seekers have experienced self transcendence as the grace that allows them to be aware of the infinite consciousness of inner delight. In this spiritual self transcendence the different religions and spiritual practises converge on the common teaching of going beyond the limitations of the ego and being aware of our higher Source. This Higher Self is called by many different names, but ultimately is beyond any metaphysical concept.

The practise of Self transcendence is not limited to those who are overtly religious. Any human being who strives for greater perfection and a higher perspective is practising a form of self transcendence, and it is this self transcendence that gives us joy.

********************************************
I recently sent a message to a friend while I was in the hospital stating my belief and need for the mental transcendence and attainment of the concept of "going beyond". Naturally, the response was: "what? what?" So, you see, how could I explain this phenomenom that I was experiencing late one evening, in which I was trying to save and share. I have strong convictions and beliefs that we are capable in far greater things empowered by the Power of: YOU. (Thank You Amy, for re-enlighting me!)
I couldn't have stated it any better than this post. Our egotic states of mind often take over and proceed. However, I can attest that there is great joy in the transcendence. It's a matter of self will.
I am often at a lose for words and articulation when random jumbled thoughts enter my mind. I often was afraid of ridicule or misunderstanding ~ but, no longer. This journal ~ the bloggings of my infinite mind, body, and soul... are but a simple reflection of me.
I can only hope that you can find it within yourself to go beyond all boundaries... to find your true self... the one that is encapsled within the egotic state of being. It takes alot of introspection... to see your outward self... for the role it is and plays... and to openly see the true self from within. YOU will be amazed.

Not feeling well... once again.

2008-11-03T01:02:00.000-08:00

I briefly wanted to post ~ I know that many follow... and I am sure that it is the great reflection of honesty that many appreciated. No one ever said that living with cancer was going to be easy. You take the good with the bad. Perhaps I spoke to soon with my overwhelming joy for life ~ but whatever it may have been, I am glad to have had the weekend.
I woke up bright and early sunday with the time change ready to challenge the world. I showered, got dressed, and put my make-up on to help me feel pretty. I realized that it was much too early on a sunday for any store to be open, imparticularily, Borders. I was hoping to find some inspirational books on cancer, but instead found myself heading back to bed, buried deep beneaht the covers with the electric heater on.
As the day proceeded, I continued not to feel so well. Chills, diahrrea, nausea... and the leg where many of my tumor were taken out, has become increasingly sore. As well, the medicine's are not subsiding the crazy random sharp and grabbing pains where the major tumor lies in the pelvis.
While I was in the hospital my oncologist wanted to do an MRI of the brain. I refused this test for several days. I honestly was in no shape primarily to lie in a box for that length of time ~ but, on the other token, I'd imagine specifically, I was in no shape, to honestly find out if the dreaded had happened.
I was having a rough enough time dealing with the week as it was and my onc's comment that "I was slowly going downhill" did not help the situation. Perhaps it was that I did nor, do not want to know. The problem is... I am having some slight grabbing/throbbing pains in the same spot on the left side of my head ~ above the ear.
I really don't want to think about all of this right now. The NIH is supposed to call me Monday ~ to let me know if my cells are killing the active melanoma. I sure do hope so ~ I'm not sure what other treatment is left for me. I'm starting to become quit scared ~ of the capability of this tumor ~ and of spread. Although I am scared to death of the TIL ~ the damage that this tumor may be causing by now, are becoming of a far greater concern.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, because I am. I don't know what is going on inside of my body... and I have absolutely no control at this moment. I am at the mercy of the NIH and my cells. If this treatment can help me... I am surely, because of recent events, gearing up for it... more and more.
If I hear any news today ~ I will post ~ most definately.
I hope that today brings upon a better day.
Take care my friends.
Becky

Enjoying Life...

2008-11-01T17:34:00.000-07:00

A great friend of mine, someone who is near and dear, helped make this weekend very special for me. The weather was delightful ~ just enough so, to go out. I was taken shopping and to my absolute all time favorite Italian Restaraunt, Carrabba's.
To say that I have a love for their food, would be a complete understatement. With each bite there is sheer exquisite joy. "There is no loe more sincere than the love of food". It temps my taste pallate and invites a spectacular flare to the tongue.
I have always been a pasta, meat, and potato lover. Carrabba's takes it several steps beyond. While sitting at the bar, where you can watch them cook an amazing amount of food on a friday or saturday evening, you can't help but be intrigued. I've visited often enough, and become quit the regular that I recieve many free samples of food to tempt my buds. The manager came to say "hello" and wondered where I had been. The situation was briefly explained and it was with great and deep understanding that he compted the next dinning experience. I will, without a doubt, be looking forward to that!
My all time favorites at Carrabba's are the oil and spice's for the bread, the taglarini, the cavatappi, the garlic mashed potato, and the sirlon marsala with extra sauce. Then, to top it off, for desert, I order the vanilla ice-cream with hot fudge and the baked cinnamon pecans.
Usually, I would have a caraffee of wine with my meal. However, at this time, I stuck with water and ice tea.
The food was divine. The leftovers were that much better. It set the beautiful weekend in perpetual motion. I am once again... enjoying life... and Living.
You can not believe how extremely appreciative I have now become of some of the simpliest pleasures. To truly, fully engage in the ultimate pleasure of food... is love.
I hope that you and do, take the time, to enjoy some of the more simplier things in your life... that perhaps you usually have taken for granted. I know I have. I frequented Carrabba's weekly at one point in my life, pre-cancer. This weekend, however, it was no longer, a luxury, that once took for granted...
Such simple joy... in learning to live.
So, next time, you find yourself... doing whatever it is, that you love... take a few moments, to reflect upon the blessing that has been bestowed.
Have a wonderful Monday, my friends! :)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

2008-10-31T14:04:00.001-07:00

It's an absolutely beautiful Ohio fall day! It's 66 degrees and sunny :)

The leaves on the trees here are amazing, simply breathtaking. The sun brings about great happiness and warmth. I plan on enjoying it, while it lasts! Hope you like the photo's! Happy Halloween!! Enjoy your weekend!

Let's Celebrate!

2008-10-30T20:22:00.000-07:00

Another week gone, lost to the world of medical realm. It's often a slight challenge to get yourself used to a life and world that must permiate around medical attention and treatment. In and out of hospital's ~ on a whim, or often without prior notice, or very little notice at all.
My world is unlike any that I had ever expected to experience nor that I had ever thought that I would be experiencing. There is no guide book or rule's that help you deal with the constant struggles and changes in your life style. One minute you are feeling well, on top of the world; and the next, you are sicker than crap with your head in the toilet!
I've come to completely appreciate the finer side of life. And, although, when I do get to "come back" to "reality" I have a slight adjustment to make ~ with constant worries about the next "episode", I do the best I can ~ to make the most of what time I have.
My days and nights are all mixed up. I no longer work on a set schedule. My body is fighting a battle 24/7 ~ and often times, it just needs to rest, when IT says rest. I take the good moments with the bad, and vice versa, you see. I take upon NO pity. Ok... yeah, yeah.. sure, I have my incredible lapses and moments or reason ~ when I wonder why this life was given/chosen for me. But, overall, what has befallen and been bestowed upon me, has ultimatley helped grace me. It has given me strength in the eye's of adversity, and permitted my weakness, in times of need.
It's hard to believe, as I sit here now, finally at home on my living room couch, that I am a cancer patient, fighting ~ FIGHTING ~ for my LIFE. For me. Ok, I know, it's not that I am selfish; yes, I do this for many other greater reasons. For one, a wonderful daughter, who has been through the emotional brink that could cause any teenager great destruction.
She has held up tremendously well throughout these years. She is a strong girl and I would like to think that I had some role to play in that part! A girl who once knew a life with a family full of stability ~ has now come to know a world ~ and life, completely on her own. Through adversity, grows strength of character, and indeed, hers shines through.
My immediate family, which I am sure is mixed with ferver and emotion ~ constantly elicites dediction. There is never any falter or wavering. My mother has taken on the task ~ of not only grandmother ~ but, of "mom" in-situ and my aunt is "on-call" at a moments notice. My sister has so graciously extended a great life ~ for my daughter if I shall proceed ~ to death sooner than can be.
My friends ~ not only the friends that are nearest and dearest to me, but my online community ~ which has given me great time in the onset of diversity. Without this forum and realm and your continued loyalty ~ to read ~ I would be "lost" ~ indeed. My blogging journal has become a great mental aide. It has helped me learn to articulate thought without worry of reprocution ~ it has shown me, that regardless of the nature, of being; I can truly be me.
It is beginning to come in full focus. When I first started this blog, it had no rhymn or reason ~ but, justly so, I do now believe ~ that I have tapped into the glory of kindness from YOU ~ and for all to see.
I still can't believe... that I am sitting here at home, with a tumor mass which continous to grow in my pelvis, that continues to cause much pain. A tumor inside me. I now know that it is there. I can most certainly "feel" it whithin side me.
It is scary, knowing, that it is wrapped around so many major veins and nerves ~ I often wonder what other havick this craZy tumor will soon cause for me. But, I will not let worries overcome me.
I will take my pain med's and do the best I can... to live ~ normally.
It's funny how, today, while I was speaking with the lady in the room next to me ~ how much we tended to agree. On the outside ~ at this very moment ~ there is an excitment and stir for this years political race. One of the greatest in recent history. In the meanwhile ~ this great race, is lost to all the souls who are so desperately, fighting; fighting to hold on and save their lives, so vividly.
We, yes, are weak. We have our times and moments when we just need to grieve. We often get tired of hearing all the cheers and gibes of "Hope and Believe". It's an underlying concept of perceptual thought for all cancer patients. Now, don't get me wrong, we truly do love your support, but we often ask, that you simply understand: that to take a bad day as a grain of salt ~ is no easier than putting that grain of salt in an open wound.
So, yes, now that I am home ~ I will begin to take it slow, before I begin to "celebrate" the life that was given to me. I can't help but keep thinking ~ of my upcoming 40th birthday... it is supposed to be a great one time day ~ an ordeal of many sorts ~ and yet, I can't just but help praying to believe that I will be able simple to just be ~ ALIVE and well enough to enjoy the day ~ of all days.
For now ~ "Let's Celebrate" Life ~ let's take one day at a time ~ and give with goodness at heart and forgive with a graceness of someone not in need.
Good day/night my friends, you are forever with me.

Lights out number 7???

2008-10-29T18:15:00.000-07:00

Hello All! Ok ~ before I begin... LOL... I've got to remind you that I am sitting in the hospital bed with several different medical prescriptions in loop! :) ~ please excuse any unneccesary rambling, mispelled words, or strayed thoughts! Let's proceed!
I must say... I truly missed journaling throughout this week... I'm not sure what you may have got ~ it was a rough one indeed. I've got ALOT to say, once again, so this will be a long one... so, put on your slippers or take off your shoes... grab a nice cup of warm java... and let's get her started.

I wrote this last night at about 3 am while on a bout of a 22 hour "all nighter" ~ I'm not sure what drugs they are giving me here, but... I must say... crazy induced states of mind... have come my way :)

*The sixth floor of Aultman Hospital is my safe haven. One of my home away from hone's. Although, I must say, I am becoming quit accustomed to return and repeat trips to the local ER. I've come to realize that the "excrutiating" pain is a metamorphisis or catalyst which is triggered by a far greater "enigma"; as Dr. Krauss and many of my other referrals which include my oncologist, infectious disease team, urologist, and pathologist, tend to agree to disagree and conquer.
There was no solid evidence this time for the events which took place throughout the week. I became known simply, as, the "enigma". A medical mystery.
At the onset, I entered the ER with extreme pain in my right back and a slight reflection starting in my left back and a slight reflection starting on the opposing side. Without a doubt in my mind, it was my kidney. As well, there was blood present in my urine. A ct scan was perfomed and an additional ultra sound was ordered. Without a doubt my kidney was holding urine. Dr. Kraus did not believe that after such a short period of a time from the recent stint placement that it was possible to be blocked or misplaced. All scans confirmed his thoughts. The bloodwork had increased in levels of kreatin throughout the week; which basically means that this is evidence the kideny wasn't draining properly. However, I was urinating quite well. The primary urine tests initially showed infection/bacteria.
The first night at the er was a disaster! A spawn that set the week to spin uncontrollably into chaos.
I informed the er that I had just taken some morphine and had a lydacain patch on my back, an anesthetic used to help eliviate pain. I was then administred a drug 2xs more powerful called dilatin (ps... my spellings of all med's are basically, probably wrong.. sorry, please bear with me) I was then given shortly after a second injection of the same pain med. The pain was subsiding but not well enough to convince the er doc on call. I was then given "fergusen" which is used as an antinausea with a sedative property. As it was slowly being explained to me while it was being put through my iv line... I no sooner heard these words "sedative"... and it was "lights out". My momsaid that I was released from the er and sent home with a prescription fro antibiotics. However, I was in absolutely NO condition to respond to her attempts to get me dressed and get me home. Home, which ideally is only 1 block from the hospital. Convienent at times indeed. Regardless, this was a task in and of itself from my mom. She said I was unresponsive and my legs were dead weight; she equated me that evening to a woman who was on a great drunken binge for the night.
(She is soooo modest when writing her posts)
After much effort, she got me dresed and put in a wheelchair. It was apparently a cold, rainy night (which at this point I was completely oblivious too!) She had to leave me in the rain in the wheelchair while she went to revtrieve the van, as a securtiy guard watched from inside. Finally, he came to help my mom get me in the van and my mother was successful in getting me home and in bed safely. I slept nearly 10 straight dead hours ~ unaware of the evenings events.
I then had an apt. with my urologist when I woke at which time he and my oncologist concluded it would be best to admit me. My blood work and systems of low pressure were of great concern. I was put on the fourth floor (which ironically enough does not specialize in cancer/oncology care)
Merely because I needed a heart monitor and the oncology floor on sixth had none ~ I had to be admitted to the floor from hell.
My days there, in the small dark, deep blue cubicle room, which was no more than 15 x 10 gave way to unbearable events. I was ready for it all to end.
I was first given antibiotics, which I forgot to mention, I vomitted in the er the previous night. The zophran, which is supposed to stop or help elimated nausea and vomiting did not work by any means. I requested another antibiotic but it wasn't switched and bag after bag, day after day, I continued to increasingly excrete the iv meds ~ it was truly a nightmare. My stomach was unsettled and unrested. My nurses would not attend to my calls, often for 20-45 minutes. AT this point my head was spinning, my stomach was churning and the pain... well the pain was a mere backdrop at this point. Not to mention, the increased pressure and pain from the growth of my tumour in the pelvis (oooohhh, had I completely forgeten I had cancer at this time?)
I had had enough. This was NO WAY to live.
I decided to QUIT , yes Quit ALL meds. Cold Turkey. For two days, NO DRUGS what so ever.
My stomach began to settle and my urine samples were "clean" from bacteria and indecisive and inconclusive of infectious disease.
I am a great believer in the power of the mind ~ to help hela and divert attention from pain. My recent new home therapies of 4-6 sea salt warm baths and peace and quiet silence ~ mediation ~ helped distract the tougher pain through the warmth of the water which acted as an anesthetic "patch" to my pain.
Unfortunately only medicine is availible in a hospital and indeed frequently and mainly used as a means to control pain. I believed I was over medicated and not only that, but given antibiotics which increased the nausea ~ and caused the emition/void of all med's. (ironically, my food was substained)
This week I've learned alot. You have to take control of your own health care, truly be your own advocate. It's funny how, several days after I quit the meds and began to feel better, the docs began to state that once "they quite" the antibiotics and meds, things seemed better.... (umm... hummm... wasn't that my "self-prescription")
Regardless, the enigma reamins. My kidney still would not drain. The urologist does not believe that the placement of the new larger stint will solve the problem. He believes that if this does not work a permanent outside bag/drain will need to be placed on my back through the kidneys. It will be a life changing event; one, which I am unprepared or am ready and convinced to committ myself to.
I've carried heavy emotional burden throughout the week, which I am verbalizing to my mother ~ and I know ~ are very difficult to hear and ones which she does not want to contemplate. She believes that there is always Hope and that I should continue to believe; and, its difficult at times to convince her ~ to see, that I truly do, believe. Yet, at times the misery is overwhelming by the moment and the truth of the events. I am on a spiral ~ which may seriously proceed and as my oncologist exclaimed, "you are slowly going downhill".
~without a doubt, from many true life stories of cancer survivors, patients, and caregivers... the true life events ~ my Truth of the inevitable ~ death ~ and the end , lurks; constantly from beyond.
But, indeed as someone whom I admire and who is dear to me stated, "keep fighting it... they are all wrong... paradise awaits you".
There is a battle which may be won.
Livestrong ~ Fight stronger
My newest motto from all these events; which, by the way has helped me continue to develop and inspire my idea, concept, and goal of creating a fund to build two hospice style resort retreats for cancer patients, family, and friends. One on the beach... all rooms with a view and a balcony, fully equipped for all of a cancer patients needs and one by the mountains... all rooms cabin style with a porch and swing with a view of nature's beauty, splendor and glory.
The idea is simple ~ and incorporates much of what I have heard many say: "I wish would wouldn't have spent all that time in the hospital bed... I wish we could have went to the beach or the mountains"... Simple idea... which will take great big bucks to accomplish and extend... to all terminal cancer patients; who are like me, who would like to enjoy the beach, yet, still need to be given treatments/iv's/temps checked, etc.. etc... The family could stay as an all inclusive: vacation/resort/retreat/hospice style place ~ (and naturally with a pool shaped in the form of a cancer ribbon) Time can be spend together ~ while making memories and dreams.
Always, the ideas ~ yet so little time to truly work ~ the "magic" work on the greater issue of a Humanatarian nature. I am absolutely, always welcome and open to any and all suggestions for help and aide in helping make this ~ my dream, or "legacy", a reality.
I would love to reach Lance Armstrong and his foundation to ask for permission to use my newest motto as a logo to put on not just yellow cancer bands... but all... the rainbow of colors that cancer emuates. To also put on t-shirts, socks, etc... to sell to help begin to raise the money for this grave endeveaour.
I would also love to reach Oprah, because, you know... without a doubt, she is #1!

Any and all outreach or help would greatly and fondly be appreciated. It would mean the world to me. Its a mountain to climb... that unfortunately, due to extended hospital stays... I am unable to divert full attention to. But, I give you my word... and promise that I am a determined gal... and I will fight this beast to win! and help others in the midst of their pain~

*******
Ominniscent Reflection
of patient, family, and friend
retreating to a haven of glory
which will electrigfy the end ~
Rebecca Luker
Terminal Cancer Patient, with family, and friends ~ who, in the room on the sixth floor of Aultman Hospital began to gain more insight to the importance and greater meaning of life... to spend "comfortable" retreat ~ to release ~ to get way to Zen ~

I Love You all
May your heart be full of solace

The Power of: YOU reflects from within ~ release and radiate ~ shine, as the star which you are. "The illuninating light and beauty of the Eiffel Tower at night"
That is who YOU are. An incredible sight... "aspire to see". R.L.

Late Addition:
I have started on my quest. I have written to Oprah, Lance Armstrong, and Mel Robbins of Make if Happen.
I would greatly appreciate any help at all, with my plight. Sending letters of support powered by YOU would greatly be appreciated!
If you are a blogger, help spread the word!!! Link other's to my world...
Thank you all!!!

Update on my sister

2008-10-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

Becky is still at Aultman Hospital in Canton and is having a new, larger stent put in today. We are hoping this will relieve some of the pain she is having. She also had an infection due to backed up urine which was causing some pain. NIH has said they can not move forward with treatment until the kidney problem is managed. We hope this new stent corrects the urine flow and helps with some of the pain so she can get to NIH and have treatment. The goal is to do a cell replacement therapy where the tumor in the pelvis causing some of the pain and the problems with the kidney to shrink and ultimately be gone. I will keep you up to data - as best I can (Becky's Sister)

Update on Becky

2008-10-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

Hi, Everyone
Becky is still in Hospital, but doing well, they may be changing the stint by putting in a larger one, or a different kind, we will probably no on Monday, of course this is now the weekend and the main Docs are not on call. So we are waiting, but infection is cleared up, but of course she is still in pain. I want to thank my niece and Beckys cousin Cheryl, for the lovely pictures her grandsons made for Becky i have hung them in her room she now has her Beach to look at. So hopefully she will be home next week. Anyone who wants to e-mail me personaly this is my address, Keyserbood@yahoo.com
Thanks to everyone for your conserns
Beckys MOM

I'm finding it harder...

2008-10-20T17:57:00.000-07:00

As I sit here... I am in excrutiating pain. Nerve med's and morphine are not even taking the edge off. It is a familiar pain ~ much like what started before the stint was put in... although, this time... it is re-occuring on the same side (right); where the tumour is and on the left as well. I am as well having some blood in my urine ~ and painful disomfort with this stint. I most definately can feel it in me. I have an apt. with the doc who put the stint in tommorrow... so, I will be sure to address all these issues. Although, I have a feeling that I just may be admitting myself to the hospital if the pain doesn't cease. I truly don't understand what could be going wrong and/or why the left side is now re-acting the same.
It seems to be one thing after another... and I fear, I just may not be dealing well with all of this.I don't know how much more I can forego.

I was watching a movie this evening (well, I was trying to anyway...) entitled: Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon. In the movie, his wife was dying of cancer and all were not dealing well with the illness and on the brink of emotional crisis.
I could see alot of myself in the wife's character. There was a quote by Dylan Thomas which helps sum up alot of the pain:

"Do not go gentle into that good-nite
rage, rage, rage,
against the dying of the light"

it made me think:
"am I dying~ into the night, the abyss that becomes light"...

I have believed that I was dealing well with all of this, but perhaps I have been mistaken... perhaps it is the rage. I do not believe that I fear death any longer... but the pain... and the fear of the unknown... seem to be overbearing for me.
I am trying to stay focused in the "here and now" as Eckart Toole describes in his books, but it is very difficult when the now ~ is in pain.

I believe and feel that I am ready, to go. I have been feeling this way for quit some time ~ and although I know that many do not want to hear me speak this way; I want to let them know... that, it is good. It is good to not be afraid ~ of death or the end.

I wanted to post ~ because I am unsure what will be next and it just may look as though... a hopital visit may once again be calling.
Quick update: I've called the NIH ~ they said without bloodwork and urinalysis ~ they aren't sure what is wrong, the stint could very well be misplaced. I have been advised to take some more morphine and go to the hospital. I am waiting for my mother ~ and then I will go. Something just isn't right... the doc's at the NIH continue to tell me that I don't have to live with all this pain...
so, hopefully, it's off the good drugs! (lol... IV morphine ~ the best :) )
Anyway, if you don't hear from me, once again for a bit... you'll know why.
Be Well.
Becky

A post to the Mpip board/community

2008-10-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

Posted by Becky at 01:28 on Mon, Oct 20, 2008 [Show other posts by Becky]

I posted this on the mpip site which I have frequented since my dx. It is a site mainly for melanoma patients at stage III/IV ~ however, many other's seek much of the advice. Those who are dx with skin cancer at stage I or II ~ are just as worried and distraught. The website and information saved my life. Although, I have only ever met several people from the board ~ the entire community is bond through great adversity.
I had thought, that perhaps I should share this aspect of my life as well. There is a link on the right side if anyone ever cares to take a peek. All are always welcome. It will help you gain more perspective and insight into the daily stridings we face. Melanoma is a different "beast" in and of itself.
Regardless, my post is heartfelt...
and I have been thinking more and more about how I can help. I've always liked the idea concept of a "retreat" ~ and perhaps this could be my calling. I would love to help other's in need ~ of finding themselves ~ while looking for inner peace.
It's been a journey... indeed.

Before you proceed further ~ I wanted to let you know, that Simone in England is not doing well. He has been told that he has a matter of days. Please, please take a few moments to show that you care and perhaps post a few thoughtful words. His link is to the right as well... easycancerjournal. It is hard to believe... as well, we will keep our thoughts and prayers focused on Gregeory of the mpip board. He is in the hospital and fighting the battle of his life. If you scroll down the posts, you will find an address to the hospital which he is staying at ~ they are throwing him a "card" party! if you could take the time to mail him a beautiful card, that would be greatly appreciated as well.

*******************************************************************************
In Reply to: Re: What does one do?... So many personal thoughts...long. Sorry. by Jim M. posted at 01:19 on Sun, Oct 19, 2008 (my thoughts in response to all the reply's which I recieved on the mpip board):

I feel sooo much better now. It has been a long time since I has disclosed much on this board ~ mainly since my family, friends, and relatives have been an eye with a view.

When I first found mpip~it saved my life...and continues to do so. It is an uplifting and in the same token, sad venue. However, it has nonetheless become my home away from home... to vent and discuss any and all personal issues and matters in relation to my life with melanoma.

I truly appreciate all the honesty and heartfelt stories. We have all been down very different roads and paths, yet, we all have a bond of commoradory.

I would like to let you know, my wonderful news... which has come as a blessing.

I have been informed that I may stay at a mobile home community park throughout the year. It is in a wonderful location ~ and I invite anyone needing or wanting to get away, to come visit.

I will continue to do my treatments at the NIH and come home to Ohio in between times. There truly are some wonderful people in this world.

This news has truly enlightened my spirits. I am more elated and overjoyed than ever. I now feel as though... I have a "greater" purpose/reason to fight harder and longer.

I know that many believe that you must first find peace... "inner"; and, I agree. I have always known from a young age, that I loved the sun and beach ~ that has never changed.

I had read a book about a year ago about taking a 1 year leave from your life... to live by the sea; it is called: a year by the sea. It had "me" written all over it! Perhaps I too, could eventually start a "spiritual" retreat for other's to come... and not just cancer patients... who are facing many obstacles and learning about themselves in the process.

You never know what life may bring. I do know, that God has granted me, my wish. I have always felt and known that he was present.

Recently, one of my older pained windows which are hard to replace broke... but, I am not upset, nor am I willing to fix it at the moment. It is in the perfect symetrical shape of dove. A dove, which signifies a great many things. One of which, is hope.

Ironically enough, the renters of the mobile home live on Hope street and in the city of Hope.

There have been so many uncanny coincidences that it is hard to believe otherwise... that there is truly someone watching over us.

Without a doubt ~ it is ultimatley up to us... in the power of: you to make change. To find your inner happiness and peace.

So, for now, I can only say "Thank YOU" and God-Bless.

Look for your strength in faith and believe in your will ~ will to live ~ for YOU can accomplish great things.

Peace,

Becky

2008-10-19T09:54:00.000-07:00

I hope that everyone is having a good sunday afternoon ~ and your weekend is going well.
I wanted to briefly post to let you know ~ all is relatively well. I am having once again, an extreme abmount of pain in my right back. The morphine and nerve medicine is just slightly taking the edge off. I'm not sure what the cause.
I do have an apt. with the Dr. who put the stint in on Tues. I will be sure to ask alot of questions. It is very discomforting at times, to say the least.
In the meanwhile... I am having dreams about my cells growing in the multitude of mass. I have a good feeling that they are! Anxieties, though, continue to grow as well.
Just trying to "mentally" prepare myself for the road ahead. Part of me just wants to get it over with... and the other part... just doesn't even want it to begin.
I think that I'm starting to come around to the idea and concept of "wigs"... thanks to my recent change. It is kind of fun. To be able to be different. I know that hair doesn't make you who you are... or define your characteristic...
I have been learning from each and every experience throughout this experience with cancer.
What I have found, is that the generousity of human's is truly a wonderful blessing. It is inspirational and touching. It's uplifting and heartwarming.
I know that when many of us do things for other's... we do them simply out of the kindness and generousity of our hearts... we don't think about it... we just do it. We don't look ahead... at the possiblitity of the grandeur affects that it could have.
This is true kindness. Without a doubt.
You have the power ~ to simply touch a life ~ regardless if it is with words of wisdom or random acts of kindness. I often wish that I weren't on the recieving end ~ of cancer. I wish that I could be the caregiver. The one... giving. It always seemed so much easier..
I'm sure that "watching" ~ isn't the easiest ~ however, giving... of your heart ~ is.

Life Changes...

2008-10-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

It goes without saying that today was a bit of an emotional road. I have quit a bit of things to accomplish before my chemo treatments. One on them is looking into getting myself a wig. So, I decided to stop by to see my hairstylist and ask her opinion... well, as you can see in the photo... she helped take it one step... further!
Wow. Wow. What a shock. I am no longer a blonde. I am a dark chocolate brown with a hint of glossy red. I'm not sure what to think... it's very different than what I am used to.
I had wanted to unifiy my hair color so that when the time came to cut it all off to send to locks of love ~ it would be a nice even shade.
I know that alot of changes are about to head my way... so, one one is just the start. I still need to decided on the color of my wig. So far, long blonde is in the lead... and I must say... I am still partial to this color. Although, change just may be in the future cards.
It also goes without saying... that today, I grieve for a loss. Not a loss of human nature. A loss of who and what I believed that I was... and/or who I became. The person that I identified myself with. The person that had worked so hard. Long and hard hours, days, months, and years to get to the position of my "career" status.
Today, that status's fate is sealed, in an envelope ready to go. An early retirment. Very early retirement at that. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of a life that I once had. A life that I once began. A life that gave me identity. It gave me a greater sense of self and self accomplishment. It was ~ me.
Life changes... some are not ones that we really asked for or want. Who will I be? Who will I become? Who am I now? What do I identify myself with ~ in the here and now?
I am more than just a cancer patient ~ fighting a disease. I am more than an individual forced into early retirement because of ailment. I am more.
We all are ~ we just don't seem to know it ~ or know where we stand. Life changes are challenges.
So, for now ~ some changes, I can control. I changed my hair color and when I loose it all ~ I will change it again. Other things, I can not ~ loosing my job position, my hair, and the spread of my disease.
I can only do my best ~ to work with these challenges. To stay as focused and positive as I can. We all can ~ merely do our best. Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy. We take it for what it is ~ learn and grow ~ accept and face ~ that change is an important component that helps us get that much stronger in the end.
And, it's always nice to have bright shinning friends and faces by your side. I have to Thank Bob ~ with whom I work. He has gone out of his way numerous times to help me out throughout this process. He has stopped by the hospital just to say "hi" and taken me to the store just to get milk. All in all... in the end ~ it is these very kind gestures in humanity that bring about the best of change.
As he would say "you are the x and I am the o"
take care ~ all my friends
xo
PS It's not my time ~ I'm not going ~ Listen to the words in the video. Music has always helped me convey a greater sense of self; feelings and thought.

~Till death~

2008-10-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

My daughter just came home from school and gave this to me to read:

~Till death~
By: Jennifer Sick

She closed her eyes and had a dream
God was there with a bright glowing beam
he said to her "your time has come and gone"
be not afraid
your soul is not lost
for you are in heaven
she looked around
and what did she see
loved ones thats where once lost
well how can that be?
what God has said
must be true
Theres no pain, no fear
not even a tear

She looked down and what did she see?
her family and friends crying sadly
She turned to God and said,
"why are they crying
so sad and so dim"

Its cause they lost a loved one
so pure and so beautiful
they lost their daughter and even their mother...

She tryed to cry out
and tell them shes ok
but they did not hear
so she fell to her knees
and began to pray
"Oh God please protect them"
"let my daughter know that I will always be there"
"i will guide her"
"lover her and always protect her"

God did just as she asked,
and the family moved on
but still thing of her
again and again...

This is dedicated to my mother...
I love you...

The Great Unknown

2008-10-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's very late and I am unable to sleep. Although, I am extremely tired, I am unable to fall into that peaceful slumber. I am now beginning to have some pain on my left side, opposite side of the stint placement, which is similiar to that which I started to feel several weeks ago ~ which started this mess. I am getting a bit concerened. I will try to keep worry and doubt out of the equation for now.
I had tried to ween myself off the harsh meds. I believe that combination of the anethesia and morphine are causing some severe nightmares and related depression issues. This same thing happened after my last surgery at the NIH, at which time I too had been pumped to the max with both drugs.
I honestly do not like the medicine makes me feel ~ I never have, that is why I prefer to do my best without it; mind over matter. I do tend to agree now... that at times, it is absolutely necessary. I never thought that I would hear myself say that.
My mind is so damn foggy ~ and unclear while on these meds. My thoughts are random, implusive, and often times, continually ongoing. It is enough to drive one mad. I'd imagine that this may be the reason that I am up at this very moment journaling my rambling midnight thoughts.
I have went from researching Nostradamos's ideas and concepts of the end of the world to researching related to the number 7 to bible versus. Several of the quotes which started all of this were: "the end of the world begins the year that the great seventh number is accomplished" to "forgive til 7 times...never to become weary of forgiving...7 times 7...or 70 times 70...{and} your respect for others will be your ticket to success".
My quest and thirst for knowledge has always enlightened and entertained me. My mind travels from thought to thought... without end. I often wonder where it will lead me? And speaking of this... the great unknown...the future...and what is in store: I had began to write down some of my thoughts at various times throughout the year ~ thoughts that I had hoped to work into a book.
My sister has suggested that I try to channel my time on something that I like and enjoy ~ and although wrighting is one of those things, she is very correct ~ you have to be in the right mind frame.
So, I think that for now; before all is lost and forgotten, I may just post what I have. I had printed it out and changed/edited much of it ~ unfortunately, that version has yet to be typed. I am sure, that without a doubt, at some point in time, I will finish one of great unknown's. Until then, I will leave you with my jumbled files of jibberish to read at your leisure ~ I am just going to copy and paste ~ and not bother to re-read... for I fear I may not disclose such a part of myself otherwise.
(this was written throughout many personal issues ~ it is my part of many thoughts ~ which is often times on of my greatest problems ~ the inability to focus)

The Great Unknown
written by Rebecca Luker

An Inspirational Journey:
Your plight for Life through
Cancer's Cure

Displaced and Distant

Cancer; healing You
A peariless journey

Healing You; Cancer, A Peariless Journey

helping yourself heal and deal with your cancer
healing yourself
killing the mental disease
taking control of your life's disease
taking control of your disease's life

the beloved caregiver: cause and effect;
emotional wreck

the heartfelt failings and strides,
a journey tried

Allow this to be your awakening.

.
..
...

leave it to me... to save the file on an unliscensed product which has expired! I have printed it out ~ and will type this version tommorrow time permitted.

Sorry for any inconvience!

PS ~ the meds are starting to kick in... getting very sleepy... finally.

Have a Great Day Friends. Nite.

"there is something askew for me and you; Nostrodamus exclaimed and I proclaim, forgive one another, put dust under the cover" R. Luker

"How much of human life is lost in waiting?"

An Arsenol of Med's...

2008-10-13T12:00:00.001-07:00

Welcome Back! Home Sweet Home

It has been a very long ~ several weeks. In and out of hospital's and hospital beds; eating such wonderful hospital food :) and barely sleeping (thanks to the wide array of Dr.s and nurse's flooding and bombarding your room) ~ a joy, in and of itself. In case you haven't gotten to experience such wonder's; let me explain: It usually begins between the hours of 4-5: a nurse comes to wake you up and take your blood for the Dr.'s early rounds, then another comes to slightly after that, usually after you've once again fallen back to sleep, to take your pulse, temperature, listen to your vitals/etc..your assesment. You then try to once again... get more sleep... but low and behold... 7 comes soon. Time to be up and ready... get your shower in if you can... because it's time to eat breakfast... and wait for the round of Doc's to discuss the onward plan. Then, basically, the day is planned accordingly: either to treatments/med's/surgeries/discussions with social worker's or counselors/in and out nurser's/visitor's/other patients that pass by in the hall/phone calls/room cleaners/hall monitors (lol...) Yes. you do get in trouble for leaving the floor if you weren't "permitted"!!! and the list goes on and on... go ahead... try to sleep, if you dare. Try to slip away into the room bathroom or one down the hall for some privacy... they will find you... (lol...) I've got to laugh... in all honesty.. because let me tell you... it's no picnic. Sure, sure... unlimited lounge time and no need to worry about making dinner ~ such great perks... what a trade-off indeed. If any of you have ever been in the hospital... you know the scenario well.
I had felt soooo terribly bad for my roomate who was doing her chemo dosing one night... so was tired and simply wanted to sleep... she was in peaceful slumber... when the nurses kept awakening her for pokes and prodes. I had flashbacks without a doubt. At times, it was nice to have a roomate to keep me company, and at times, it honestly wasn't... she was dosing with chemo... which brought back some bad memories of my Il-2 treatments and some anxities about my upcoming chemo treatments. Regardless, she was wonderful and delighful and handled her situation well ~ with grace and ease ~ considering the alternative. It seems to be the consensus amoungst cancer patients. What choice, do we really have? High toxitity or the ultimate inevitable ~ death?
Rambling again, am I? I have sooo much to say... (but, then again... when don't I?)
Perhaps I should update everyone before I continue on with my bouts!
As far as surgery was concerned: wonderful. This time, Thanks to the lovely and extraordinarily comforting and accomodating anesthisiologist ~ I did not get sick. I slept the entire day away... but, did not get sick. Always a bonus. She even stopped by my room the day after to see how I was feeling. That was the first time that an anestheologist took the time... to care. To show concern. It really was wonderful of her. She had a great bedside manner ~ joking with me... all the way to "lights out".
As for the surgeon, who was my previous "fellow" and Dr. ~ he "inscribed" his initials on my right leg... and gloriously preformed his task. He is Doc with a knack. Dr. Davis most definately loves his job! (which, is good for me :) ) He took out the tumor and sent it's "freshness" to the lab. So ~ let's hope that these cells mulitply in mass!!!
As for my recent tumors; the one's which were taken out from the last surgery and frozen... well... let's just say... that something "fishy" is going on... around the NIH. My Doc's mentioned that it was very "rare", when cells don't grow from the frozen ones. (very rare... denoted... with glances/stares which were undoubtably suggestive of foul play) ~ and the anesthesiologist comment: "let's hope that we don't have anymore freezer malfunctions"... only adds fuel to the fire.
So, assuming ~ foul play ~ was at hand ~ perhaps, it was not the fault of my previous tumor ~ to grow. I should have a great shot ~ this time! Keep those fingers crossed. Grow...grow...grow...
I'm still... very anxious~ and my anxieties continue to grow ~ with each passing day. I have never been so afraid of anything... in my life. The TIl treatment frightens me. I have heard and seen too many bad stories. Good one's too... of course. But, anyway: my discharge papers state: discharge diet: "high calorie, high protein" ~ you are underweight, so it is important that you include foods that have protein, fat, and carbohydrates, to keep you healthy and strong. Eat at least 1-2 slushies/milkshakes per day."
The goal is simple: gain weight. Eat. Eat. Eat!!!
If you have any suggestions on high calorie foods/diets/intake... they would be greatly appreciated. So far... I have been told that McDonalds milkshakes and hagaan das ice-cream are high in calorie content. I will so be off to the market... to whisp in the cart.. every imaginable high calorie food... just need to do my homework and prepare my list.
As for the ct scans... almost forget. What a great s.i.g.h... of relief. The tumor has not grown to such a dimension. It has grown... but... it is still relatively in the 3-4 cm area. It was lying on a muscle and around the lymphatic fluid pockets in the area ~ which made it look like such a great wall of mass. Very comforting to know indeed... basically, it means... that my disease has not taken on an aggressive nature... not nearly as aggressive or severe as thought. It is... still there... and pushing against many things... but, the stint is in... which has greatly alleviated the pain... and helped. I was very lucky. I did not got go into kidney failure. Although the stint is extremely discomforting... and makes me pee about a fifty times a day... it is doing it's job. Keeping me safe from harms way.
I do, often wonder what is next? What other organ can be and or will be affected... but... like my roomate would say: "one day at a day, one day at a time".
As for visitor's: Julie, I am so sorry that I missed you. My roomate said that you stopped by. Thank you so much for the lovely smelling candle ~ pumpkin spice. It brings about great delightful memories of Thanksgiving Harvest. Thank you soo much :) and Amy... you are a doll. To take your time to drive 2 hours out of your way... Thank You. It meant alot. I'm truly glad that we met. I promise to keep in touch. To everyone else: Thank you as well... for the continued thoughts and prayers... it keeps me going. I miss journaling my thoughts and recieving your correspondses. Greg ~ I have thought of you the most. I often don't know... what to say. I am at a loss for words. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through as a loving caregiver. I hope that get have a difficult time ~ with all of this. I often worry that it may bring back sad thoughts ~ it's a sensitive issue. I will be sure to e-mail very soon. I am still looking forward to those cups of tea!
Ok ~ oh... so ~ I was informed, that you can not participate in this trial ~ the TIL treatment without having a caregiver by your side. I know that my mom has offered... but, I am sure... that it would be greatly appreciated if she could often "take a break" ~ this really isn't any eaiser for her than I. So, I would greatly appreciated any/all to help ~ in any way. I am giving notice. I will find out in about 2 weeks if the cells are growing... if so... I will start the treatment in about 4 weeks or so...
Anyone willing... or who may be able to help out... all is welcome. Food for my mom while she stays at the lodge... babysitter for my daughter... anyone to help me... while going through treatments... (but, please do be reminded... it may be difficult... to see... watch... I may be very ill... and you will not be permitted to come in if you are ill yourself... I may be very malaise, unaware of your immediate presence, irritable, tired, sleepy, vomitting, nauseated, etc... etc...) enter the room... at your own risk!!! LOL.
Ok ~ to continue on...
yes, yes... so much to say....
I am looking into wigs. Yes, a wig. My roomate put one on~ and did she ever look sooo cute. Because of financial purposes... I believe I may only be able to get one... so I have posted some photo's of what I like... and will leave a poll for all of you... it should be fun! :) Can't wait to get the results! You are always welcome to find/add new one's! by the way... the arsenol of med's in the photo above... is just bit a glimpse of what they wanted to send me home with. I refused alot. I had ran across another woman's blogsite... cancerspot.org and she too had posted a photo of her med's... just to get her through... it was undaunting... when I actually saw it. Crazy. I joke and digress... I am starting a small pharmaceutical company!
Ok ~ gotta' run... got sooo much to do this... plus get caught up with much needed sleep. So much more to say... but for now ~ welcome back to my world.

P.S. this is breat cancer month... Awareness.

Awareness for all cancer's as far as I am concerned. Get checked and be informed.
The statistic's are high... and growing... by the year 2050 it is expected that HALF of all American's will be dx with cancer. Pretty staggering figure's. That's 1-2. Wake-Up America. Let's learn to save lives and prevent cancer.

PS.. let's keep Simone, from England...at www.cancerblog.easyjournal.com in our hearts and prayers. Please take the time to read his blog and send him a personal message via the link on the right ~ Thank YOU.

I love you All.
Take-Care

Surgery... again...

2008-10-07T10:18:00.000-07:00

I just briefly heard from the NIH, I am to fly to Bethesda tommorrow. Yes ~ tommorrow. Wednsday October 8 to be admitted to the NIH on 3NW. My surgery is scheduled for Friday October 10 and my return date is Sunday October 12.
A whirlwind ~ indeed; but, it is without a doubt necessary. There is no time to spare.
They are going to remove the "surface" tumor that is in my groin ~ to see if these "fresh" cells will work ~ to grow for the TIL. As for the 9 x 4 cm tumor in my pelvis (which, my "fellow" at the NIH has informed me... they do not believe...has/is grown that much) I will be having more scans done ~ for their confirmation. Other than that...
this is where it all stands...
basically, in a nut shell...
they will take the tumor from the groin ~ use the cells to try and grow for the TIL ~ if they grow... it will be about 3 weeks or so before treatment can start ~ regardless if they grow or not... they are going to discuss with me... pallatative care.
Pallatative Care. To help alleviate the pain associated with the tumor. Tumor growth and any/all other problems related to the tumor.
I can only hope and pray that this tumor either stops growing or stabalizes... I can also only hope that my cells will do their job... and grow for the TIL... and I can also only hope that the TIL will work, if administered.
I'm not sure, what else is left... but, I will leave that in the hands of God.

If you do not once again hear from me... it is because I am busy at the hospital... taking tests, scans, bloodwork, etc... or in surgery or re-cooping from yet, another surgery.

As always, messages are more than welcome. My mother will be with me and staying at the lodge (which is in the photo above) ~ she will have her cell phone: 330-206-7662 I will as well have mine ~ feel free to leave a message if I don't answer. Please forgive me if I don't get back to you promptly.
Julie ~ I hope to finally meet up with you! And, anyone else, who may be at the NIH during these dates!!! Come look for me on 3NW, just ask for Rebecca Luker :)

Bless you All.
I send my Love,
Becky

My Sister...

2008-10-05T21:23:00.000-07:00

Good Morning All!

Hello :)

~I wanted to post a photo of my sister & I~ this one was taken several months back. I thought, that perhaps, that it may be nice for many of you to be able to put a name with a face. ( I do believe that my mother is in the background of this pic as well)

I can't imagine that this has become any easier for my family. My sister gladly offered to post on this site as well as the mpip site. I know, that this may all ~ be very difficult ~ to try and put into words ~ to make shape or form ~ of ~ not only for herself ~ but other's as well.

However, it was the thought and effort ~ which touched me the most. This "blogging journal" ~ has become my forum for discussion and thought ~ which ~ has, at times, become an inavaluable resource for healing.

Regardless ~ My love and support for family at this time ~ are to be praised. My sister drove two hours with her daughter's to come help me ~ and, my mother; was by my side the entire time. And yes, I know, I am not the greatest of all patients~ (lol...) (a families inside joke ~ I'd imagine you would have to know me, quit well, to truly understand!!! ~ because I am unable to swallow pills ~ I must ask for either liquid prescriptions or crushed pills in applesauce or pudding ~ I, as well, am not much of one for medications ~ so, it takes my mom... a whole lotta convincing before I will even begin to think about shoving med's down my throat! ~ plus, I'd imagine ~ I'm very cautious ~ I want and need to know about the details of all procedures ~ including side effects, etc... I could go on... and on... but, let's save the fun stuff for my fam!)

What fun would life be ~ if we truly couldn't laugh at our ownselves?
That's all right ~ We are all different ~ in our very own special way :)

So, enough, enough, all ready... yes, it's late, and I'm once again up. I took a bit of a nap when I got home earlier today. I am (overall) feeling quit well. OOOOhhh sooooo much better than last week. Now, that was a total nightmare! Who would ever have imagined that such an obstruction to the kidney could cause such freakish pain? Although, the incident in the er that evening came relatively close ~ they tried six times to get an IV placed & failed ~ blowing out two of my veins in the process. But, that's ok ~ it took my mind off the back pain for awhile!
As many of you may be aware, the er took a ct scan ~ which revealed that the tumor mass in my pelvis was pushing against the ureta ~ which was causing the blockage of the flow from the kidney to the bladder. Of greater importance in the ct scan findings is the overwhelming and sudden growth factor of this tumor. It has been measured at 9 cm X 4 cm. Within less than two weeks it has grown a substantial amount ~ causing much alarm.
My oncologist at home ~ to say the least ~ has been a blessing in disguise. She is very concerened and determined as well, to try and help. Basically, she believes that this has become a "time-sensitive" issue ~ and that a course of treatment/plan, needs to be in place ~ NOW.
After many phone calls to the NIH ~ she has gotten in contact with those whom, she beleives may be able to help "expedite" the process. Unfortunately, it has been mentined that in leu of recent events ~ and with the placement of this stint in my ureta ~ (which is now considered a foreign body) ~ I may be ineligible for the TIL treatment. None the less... this treatment takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks to process ~ time, which, I do not have. So, it is in the hands of the NIH at this point. They have suggested IL-7 as an option.
Monday is the big day at the NIH when all the doctor's meet to evaluate all cases ~ and I do believe that I will be of priority. There is not much time to spare ~

So, naturally, yes; I have been taken aback by this news. Wow. It is extremely hard for me to internalize and intake. I have a mass ~ a soft foreign body ~ within my body ~ which has tripled in sized within less than two weeks time. It is overwhelming. This disease. It is unpredictable, unstable, ruthless, and reckless.
I have, over the course of the past two years become very familiar with this deadly disease ~ or, as it is referred to as: "the beast". I have read many heartwarming and touching stories of the struggles and battles that patients and families have endured along their path in life with this disease. I have grown to respect human ~ and human nature ~ by far ~ now, more than ever in my lifetime.
It goes without saying ~ that the power does lie, within oursleves. Just knowing, that I had such a wonderful support from family & friends ~ makes such a grave difference in the healing process ~ and yes ~ from each and every one of YOU ~ my reader's ~ just knowing, that you are keeping up with my daily life, endeavors, trials and tribulations ... shows too.... that you care ~ compassion is abound.

That is what life is about.

So, in the meantime ~ while we continue to wait to hear from the NIH ~ your thoughts and prayers mean the world to our family at this time, in our life. It is a new experience ~ life experience to us all. I know, that it most definately, can not be easy for my loved one's to sit an watch me "suffer"; in pain. But, it is part of the process. It is part of the the irrevocable truth. The truth that I have decided to share.
There is no way or reason to sugar or candy coat that which is ~
I've been thinking alot about how I have been feeling over the course of the past two years or so ~ off and on ~ sick, and then, not. The rollercoaster ride, which I have been on. The bad times, eventually, make way to good and the good ~ help me appreciate that time, all that much more.
I am ~ feeling absolutely better now. The back pain is all but void. Such a wonderful relief, without a doubt. Who would ever have thought that a simple placement of a stint could help alleviate all the pain and unnecceassry suffering?

The next step ~ is not going to be the easiest either. I'd imagine that I can bet, that I will be on a plane to Bethesda by week's end or soon thereafter. I am hoping so, because, at this point, as my onc has mentioned: "I am at their mercy". There is not much more, that can be done. I have faith and belief that they are working to find a solution; one which apply's to my current situation and on my behalf.
I have many thoughts, in regards to many issues. I have been made aware ~ that if the tumor growth persists at such a rate ~ and there are no real treatment options availible ~ pallatative care ~ is availible. For many, who are unaware of this term/phrase... it is just, merely, a nice way... of saying... that because there may be no further treatment options... the tumors can be managed... with pain relief/killers... so that a cancer patient may at least try to enjoy their time ~ free of pain.
The mass, which has grown, yes... I can "feel" it. I have been asked that and it's not so much, that the tumor actually causes the pain ~ it is what the tumor does... which causes the pain. Whether it is pushing against nerves or other internal body organs or the like. There is some pain associated with my tumors at times ~ but, overwall... it has been the internal destruction which has been most compromising.

I am sure, that I could continue to go on and on tonight ~ I once again have alot on my mind and in lieu of recent events... I am once again left to re-evalutate my life and life's choices.
It's not been easy... for my family to hear me think this way... or speak this way. But, as I continue to re-iterate and say... I will not allow myself or body to be a complete "guinee pig" for medical purposes. There will come a point... in time... when I will most definately say... that I would prefer pallatative care... so, that I may life out my life... one, left, for peace.

God Bless you all.
I will, as always keep you informed ~ and keep you in thought.
I send my love to all.
Becky

After surgery update on Becky

2008-10-03T12:31:00.000-07:00

Becky just came out of surgery a couple hours ago; she is still very sleepy, as the drugs have not worn of yet. Now we are waiting to see how she feels. I am sure it will take a few days of recovery before we know if this has taken the pressure off her tumor. Next we will have to see if NIH will still accept her in the TIL trial as they would prefer her not to have a foreign object in her body. The chance of infections is much greater since the TIL entails wiping out her immune system.

Update from Becky's sister

2008-10-02T09:19:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Cathy I am Becky's sister. I know many of our family and friends visit my sister’s blog for updates. While I am not much of a writer and am certainly not as poetic as my sister I will try to do my best to keep you all up to date on her condition.

Becky is at Aultman hospital right now while receiving pain management through morphine and nausea medicine. The tumor in her pelvis has grown substantially in the last 3 weeks from not quite 2 cm to 9 x 4 cm. The tumor is pressing on her right kidney and causing quite a bit of pain. We think the Doctors will be putting in a stint tomorrow to avoid kidney failure, but we are not sure if this will relive any of the excruciating pain she has been it. The doctors believe the pain is from the size of the tumor pressing on the kidney. If you would like to send any personal e-mails or questions you can send them to our mother at keyserbood@yahoo.com.

God bless you all!

no worries... and Thank YOU.

2008-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

I briefly wanted to let everyone know ~ I took the morphine last night ~ started off slow... the good news ~ it really helped elivate the tumor pain ~ bad news.. back pain was "dulled". I didn't get much sleep ~ afterall. Early a.m. I decided to up the dosage... thank goodness. It knocked me out for several hours ~ some well needed sleep. It has helped numb me quit a bit ~ however, the pain is still there. I have been advised to go to the ER ~
I am soooo tired and just want to sleep ~ but, I know... I can't keep this up. So, support is on the way... and I will be off to Aultman Hospital's ER. Let's hope that they can get this figured out ~
If you don't hear from me for a bit ~ you will know where I am at. Thank you ALL for your continued thoughts and prayers ~ they are greatly appreciated.

When it rains... it pours... more bad news.

2008-09-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

I have just spent the majority of the last 24 hours in such severe pain ~ that I wouldn't wish it upon my greatest of enemies. I have gotten maybe a glimpse of 3 hours of sleep ~ between positioning pillows, blankets, the floor, and wall for support.
I called the NIH about midnight last night to discuss all of this with them ~ and then some. I was on the phone for about 1 1/2 hours. They truly are a wonderful hospital with dedicated staff.
It was recommended that I go to the hospital today. I had no quarlms over that one!
My doctor's at the NIH informed me, that my cells did NOT grow. So ~ next step ~ to either come back and have the smaller tumour in my groin removed to see if those "fresh", not frozen cells can be use ~ and/or to do an aphoresis ~ to take the white blood cells from my body ~ and see if those can be manipulated for treatment.
However, first thing is first ~ this Kidney issue of mine. Yes, I should be re-joicing ~ no bone mets were found ~ however, it is believed that my kidney/s may be failing ~ they are not draining ~ which may be causing this intense pain. It is highly likely that I will need a stint put in.
So ~ there it is ~ one thing after another. I'm in the process of getting my morphenine for this evening ~ I can't wait. I hope it does miracles.
I am a very tolerable person when it comes to pain ~ honestly.
It looks as though my near future has two upcoming surgeries pending ~ and this still doesn't even address the issue of the pelvis tumours continued growth ~
The NIH said that they will work on finding a treatment for me. I'm not sure ~ that I can understand, how a bad kidney or two can effectively tolerate to high toxity doses of chemo... I remember the damage that the IL-2 did to my kidneys.
No one ever said that fighting cancer was going to be easy ~
I can only say ~ if you know of anyone at all ~ who is going through this ~ give them ALL the Support that YOU can. It is comforting ~ especially at 2 am!

The Magic Kingdom

2008-09-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

Good Day Everyone!

I hope that your weekend went well! :)

I have finally gotten some sleep!!! I have decided... not to "fight" against the pain ~ and worry about sleep. So, I suppose, I may be keeping some odd ball hours. It's late ~ Sunday night. So quiet and peaceful. I can hear the crickets outside.
It is starting to get a bit "chilly and nippy" here, something which, I am not looking forward to. The seasons are once again upon us ~ about to change, much like the season of our lives.
I've had quit an amount of time to think ~ and I'm not so sure that allowing my mind to wonder is such a good idea (lol)...
I've been fortunate ~ indeed ~ in my life. I never really "struggled"; per-say, as much as others. I have never known what it is like to not have the basic necessities in life: food, water, and shelter.
I often think of the vast world ~ with it's wide array of cultures ~ and human beings. Entities, put on this earth ~ under the same stars; yet often, of great distinction.
I enjoyed reading the humanitarian book that my friend recently sent me. Thank You. It is a reminder, that nothing small ever goes un-noticed or without want or warrant.
I often think back upon my life ~ and have thought ~ there were so many things that I wanted to do, that I should have done, and that I would yet, like to do. I have regrets, yes. But no doubt that the road my life has taken ~ had a purpose. I had wished that I had fallen my heart and joined the peace core shortly after high school and not bothered with college, life, family, kids... I often wonder where I would be today? Would I have been more humble than now?
I'm not sure, that I believe that I have lived up to the great expectations of a humanatarian. I am beginning to see... that all the material possessions, wants, and needs that I had set for myself ~ were frivolous. Perhaps I got lost in the "rat race" of life and time.
It's odd how now, I see opposing sides. Things that I once sought so animately, have all but not become mere mis-conceptions of belief. If I could do it all over again... I would. I would have followed my heart.
It is never to late ~ to late to make change. To late to make peace or amends. First, you must find it within yourself ~
I have been recieving such wonderful advice ~ from some great friends; and I am ~ coming to a greater peace within my life. Selfless acts ~ increase faith and gain hope.
We are all ~ by far ~ capable of giving ourselves ~ for a greater good. It is truly enlightening.
What we seek in this life, may not always be what we have expected to recieve.

Be sure to be good not only to other's, but yourself as well ~ belief in yourself can be magical, indeed.

Feeling Blue...

2008-09-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

I know that the weekend is usually pretty slow around here... everyone is busy with their weekend, but, I just thought I'd post... I've been missing a few days, here and there.
I haven't felt the greatest this week ~ and in all honesty, I'm beginning to think, that I am ready for treatment. If there is a possible chance that I can get rid of this s***!
I think that I have slept maybe, about 14 hours in total since last Sunday night. I've even trippled up on the pain med's to try and help knock me out! I'm hoping to find some answers this week ~ with the kidney ultrasound and the bone scan.
I hope that all has been well with everyone. Sorry if I haven't been getting back to all and that I have forgotten and missed birthday's. Happy be-lated!
Ok~ unfortunately, not much more to say at the moment... I've got to serously try and get some sleep!!!
I will continue to keep everyone posted. I'm hoping to hear from the NIH on Monday. That is usually the day that they have the big "pow-wow" ~ with all the Doc's to make a decision. Still hoping that those cells are growing...
I hope that everyone is enjoying their weekends. Take care my friends.
Love, Becky

Dog Gone Wig!

2008-09-25T05:21:00.000-07:00

Dog Gone Wilde! ~

I can't believe what I just came across ~ but then, I guess that it really shouldn't shock or suprise me all that much. I thought that I had heard and seen it all ~ but, it just goes to show ~ you learn something new everyday! :)
They are making wigs for dogs. Yes, wigs for dogs. Seriously. Not for any particular reason either ~ just for fun.
I just got to thinking, that perhaps my sister was right ~ maybe it wouldn't be so bad to wear a wig ~
While I was at my oncologist office yesterday the girls were giving me alot of cool advice ~ on what to expect as far as my hair loss and re-growth... sharing what other's chemo patients have done. They then gave me several books to bring back home ~ and upon leafing through them... I really felt alot better. There are some really nice headbands and scarves, and even, yes, dare I say it ~ wigs.
I have always loved long hair ~ long blonde hair ~ long dark brown hair ~ and you know what? this would give me the freedom to try them both. I just may, finally get to be that blonde or that brunette ~ or, what about that red-head?!
Hey, I'm just trying to get my "head" ~(pun intended!) wrapped around this whole idea of the concept of "baldness". I know, I know... it's only hair.
I'm up for suggestions!
*************************************************************
As for my appointment yesterday... blood work and urine samples were taken. I have an ultrasound of the kideny's scheduled early next week and a bone scan scheduled as well. She wants to rule kidney infection/problems out and as well, spread to the bones.
Overall, she advised I continue to take the pain med's ~ and as many may be unaware ~ with pain med's comes the need for laxatives ~
hey, now... I never said that sharing wasn't a part of my blog!
I figure, If I truly want to bridge the gap ~ I've got to be honest. There is no way to sugar coat the cause/effect of cancer ... symptoms and diagnosis.
Speaking of sugar ~ last time I was doing treatments... I had a terrible reaction to anything sweet ... so, yes... I've got negative conotations associated with sweets and treatments... so please... please... no sweets near me... if you come to visit!!! Thanks!!! I know, each treatment is different. I know. But, it's that mental association...
I have yet to hear from the NIH about my cell growth... I, and many other's are continuing to cheer them on! GO Cells, GO! (mega gazzillions)!!!!
My onc and I had a nice conversation yesterday. A nice, truthful conversation. Realistic. Which, is what I want and need these days. I had a feeling that she was well aware of my new "lump" ~ growth several months ago... and she confirmed it... she said it is now called a "mass" ~ she mentioned that she thought so several months ago... but wanted me to wait to find out when I got to the NIH. She has mentioned that I have already beaten the odds ~ and that was good. She also took a look at the protocol, etc. for the TIL and said it looked like a rough one; with alot of side effects/and medicines to treat those side effects.
She was happy though, that I had found yet, another treatment to try. She knows that I am very optimistic and hopeful; yet, she as well realizes that I am realistic... so... she told me... her professional opinion...
basically, due to the nature of the placement of my largest tumor and past given results/treatments/surgeries, etc... and the continued growth and spread of my disease, which is accelerating... a bit quicker than when I was first initially dx ~ she thinks that if this treatments doesn't work ~ I may have about 6 months to a year. Ok ~ ok ~ don't get all freaked out ~ and worried on me...
This is news to everyone. But, honesty, is what I asked for. I think, that deep down... when I got my latest news from the NIH ~ I already had a feeling... that something greater was going on... my instincts since the beginning have been right, on just about every issue. Now, I'm not saying... that I'm sticking to this theory ~ with diffinativeness; yet, I am holding onto it, with truthfullness ~ and frankness; with knowing, the "reality" ~ within a realm that seems so surreal.
Am I hopeful ~ absolutely. Will I continue to fight ~ you bet your sweet patutie!!! But, there are things in my life ~ that even thought, I may not be able to completely control... I can at least... plan for. So yes... I am planning. If I get to go beyond that time... it is a blessing, indeed.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me... I never have. That was never my intention ~ from the onset of this blog. It was just a means... a forumn... for discussion ~ a sort of "placement" of sorts... for my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Will it serve the greater good? Hopefully, mine... yes... peace of mind. And, for family... a peace of me.

~Verve~

2008-09-24T06:35:00.000-07:00

Aloha!

I just briefly wanted to post to keep you up-to-date. I have been taking my antibiotics... and have started to double up on my pain meds... I'm not sure what is wrong ~ but without a doubt ~ the increasing pain is causing problems. I haven't gotten much sleep in the past two nights.
I have been waiting two days for an appointment with my oncologist, with whom, I will see later this afternoon. I am hoping to find some answers ~ and get this resolved soon ~ I don't know what we would do without modern medicine!!! Oxycodone ~ my new preferred drug of choice! lol...

I'm a tough one, so, albeit to say ~ I'm hanging in there.

I have been reading the book "Three Cups of Tea" ~ which was sent to me by my friend Greg. It is very inspirational, and my lucid dreams keep revolving around the idea and thought of building hospice centers in areas more suitable for end-of-life...
I'm trying to be somewhat cautious of how I phrase and or paraphrase my thoughts... I guess, basically, what I am thinking about... is a greater vision ~ one where hospice patients may feel more at home and one with themselves an nature.
I know, that I would prefer to die lying in a bed that overlooked the ocean; and I am aware, that many other's would too. I am sure, that perhaps other's would like to overlook mountains or fields...
I'm not sure why I am envisioning such buildings... or entertaining such thoughts; however, I continue to believe. Believe, that anything is possible.
Hospice centers which encompass and embody a greater sense of life ~

Wonderful! :)

I am still waiting to hear from the NIH. At this point, I am beginning to welcome the idea of treatment... I will be sure to post asap with all news. To all who are battling the fight and to all who support those who do ~ God Speed.

For my daughter

2008-09-21T20:06:00.000-07:00

I have no captions for my photo post or words of wisdom...
this evening. I have honestly have alot on my mind. In all sincerity ~ it is becoming quit an emotional one. The onset of additional pain in my back, pelvis, and groin; are becoming an acute awarenss of the "surrealism" which superceeds.
I know, that many people live well beyond their expected years, due to cancer treatments. If it weren't for this thought... I honestly wouldn't be taking the chance with all these toxic treatments.
I'm starting to wonder, if God meant for us to have the choice, to manipulate our lives in such a manner. I am aware, that without a doubt, had it not been for modern medical advancements, I wouldn't be here today... wrighting to you... and audience ~ which has shown such great compassion.
I just finished reading Dr. Randy Pausch's book: The Last Lecture ~ and to be bluntly honest, I believe that the last two chapters held more value and significance to me, than any other; than any other message that may have been given directly or indirectly, intentionally or not.
Final Remarks can be powerful. So, let me start by borrowing some quotes: "to that end, I want my kids to know that my memories of them fill my head" ~ as my daughter is fully aware of the nature of my condition ~ it must be rough and difficult ~ especially in the teenage years. I am well aware, that our culture is very different from that of many. We do not live impoverished or malnuourished. However, I do believe that one universal is: the love of family. I can only hope, that well beyond and into the future years, Jennifer will grow to know, that even though... she is having difficulty now, dealing with all these emotions and feelings... that she was always and will forever be loved. It can't be put any better or simplier than as stated by Randy Pausch: "I want them to know that I will love them for as lonfg as they live. I will."
The memories that I will cheerish the most will most definately be the times when we took trips in the car ~ changing radio stations, until we both agreed upon a tune. Often, because I was a "victim" of the eighties, I would empose these upon her, and, in return, she would impose the latest music upon me.
I simply loved listening to hear sing along with the radio. She was radiant. She sang and recited each and every tune with a gracefullness, which daunts me, to this day.
While we were on vacation, I took her to a karaoke tiki bar ~ she finally had the opportunity to grace me with a song entitled: Unwanted, by Natashia Beidingfield. It was appropriate for her, at that particular moment in time. Teenager find meaning ~ and reflection in the words of songs... much like poets, whose passion fills the page with prose.
That evening... while she was on stage... the air was warm, the breeze was light, the moom was bright, the ocean was soft, and, my daughter, was the shinning star.
She will always be my star. I hope that she continue to sing... and enlighten many... in the years to come... wether it be on short trips to the mall with friends or long trips with family on vacation, to perhaps even.. greater events in future with husband and children.
Now, I am, by no means... giving up on life... but, I have been reading alot of articles that are meant as a means for cancer patients to help themselves express themselves... while they still can.
I have already promised my daughter, that I plan on fighting this... so that I may be around for her, for a very long time. It is very difficult for me, to think, much like Dr. Pausch said that when she is older, I might not be around. "But a bigger part of me grieves for them." That I might not be here to be a bigger part of her life in the future.
Nobody knows for certain what tommorrow may bring, for any of us. So, it is with today ~ the present moment ~ the here and now ~ that I say: I will forever Love You. You will always be wanted, needed, and loved, by me.

"Have Fun"

2008-09-21T16:05:00.000-07:00

WE are all "one of a kind"!

I was just sitting here, after finding a new website entitled: Im too Young For Cancer, thinking about choices that we have in life.

The one that happened to stand out the most was engraved in a coconut cup that I had bought while on vacation. It simply stated: Have Fun.

Many of us take life way too seriously. We don't take the time necessary to "de-compress" from the day and the events in our lives... and truly learn to live and enjoy life ~ for what it is. We are enwrapped and entangled in our daily pursuits and endeveaors. Today is never promised to anyone and tommorrow is always a blessing.

We are all unique in some peculiar sort of way. Use this, for your life's full-fillment of happiness, not merely; attainment.

I've been rousing through many websites today, trying to begin to place things in order in the dreeded case, that my cancer continues to grow and spread. Basically, I believe it is called: hospice care. I am trying to make my wished known verbally to my family and friends ~ in any event.
I as well, have a greater mission to accomplish... because, I believe that the power of: you should encompass all... I will continue to advocate my thoughts about end of life, rights. Our rights to choose... and make dreams come true.
What cancer patient honestly wants to die either in a hospital bed or enclosed in their home? ~ Shouldn't we have other choices availible to us? ~ Shouldn't we be able to decide where we would like to be ~ upon our death? Simply because we are aware that our time may be limited, we should take steps to allow our uniqueness to shine through.
I'm sure, that for many... I will inevitably, continue to hear about the "selfishness" aspect of this thought... but, I must say... given all that we as cancer patient's face and endure... it's not that I believe it's an entitlement, so much as a request... to die in peace ~ through happiness and fun.

Introduction to the TIL

2008-09-21T09:15:00.001-07:00

"Curiosity is an intregal part of life..."

I know that many may be unaware of what the TIL treatment is or what it stands for ~ So, I thought that I would post the "Description of Research Study" from the NIH. I requested it, for my benefit as well... because, I do believe that curiosity is an intregal part of life. It is a necessity when dealing with cancer treatments. There are options availible on a limited basis ~ and determined by many factors: the stage of our disease, prior treatment hisotry, blood markers, and the list goes on and on...
This week will none-the-less... be a long one. Waiting and hoping, once again... that my cells are "receptive" in the lab. It is yet, another vital component and detremental factor to link me to the availibility of the treatment.
So, here's "hoping" ~ that my cells grow in mass... the "gazzilions" :) as many on the mpip board have cheered!!! and that they actively fight the beast in the lab!!!!

Description of Research Study: (provided by NIH)
Your doctor has told you that you have been diagnosed with melanoma and there is no treatment availible at this time that has been shown to cure your melanoma. We invite you to take part in this research study that is trying to find effective treatments for patients with melanoma. To participate in this study you must have a specific blood type known as HLA-AO201 and you will have had to been treated with interleukin 2 and had to have progressive disease to be eligible for this study.
The purpose of this study is to determine whether we can treat melanoma by taking cells from your tumor called tumor infiltrating lymphocytes (TIL) or cells from your blood called peripheral blood lymphocytes (PBL), then put an anti-melanoma protein receptor in the cells with gene therapy, and growing them in the lab in large numbers to then give the cells back to the patient. We will test whether this experimental regiment can cause your tumor to shrink, as well as test the safety of this and the effects on the immune system.
Before giving the cells back to you we will suppress (make it less able to fight) your immune system with two chemotherapy in order to create room for your cells and to prevent the immune system cells from causing a negative effect on the tumor-fighting cells.(sometimes, we are unable to successfuly gow the tumor fighting cells needed for this procedure...if your TIL or PBL do not grow..you will not be able to recieve the cell infusion...) Although, these gene-modified cells can destroy tumor cells in the test tube, this has only recently been done in humans...
If, your cells grow and you are eligible we will begin a chemotherapy regimen followd by giving you back your cells through a small plastic catheter that is put into your vein in your arm or neck, if the cells need to be given through a larger vein either in your upper chest or in your neck. You will be administered to the hospital (the NIH, in Bethesda, MD) For seven days prior to receiving your cells you will be given two chemotherapy medicines to suppress your immune system so the cells we give you can work without any interference from the cells in your immune system.
The two chemo medicines are called: cyclophosphamide and fludarabine. The cyclo..will be given into your IV over 1 hour for two days and the fludarabine will be given into your IV for 30 minutes every day for the fie days following the cyclo...
All patients will be given the cells through their IV over 20-30 minutes one to four days after the last dose of chemo. Within 24 hours after your cell infusion you will be given high dose aldesleukin(also called interleukin 2). It will be given as a 15 minute infusion every 8 hours for up to five days after the cell infusion.
(we will watch you closely during this entir time for any side effects of this regimen-)
Side Effects: The risks and discomforts of this research study can be significant and participation is only offered to patient-volunteers with metastatic disease who have not responded to standard treatments for their cancer. It is possible, but extremely unlikely, that this experimental treatment may cause your death. Other side effects:
Chemo:
significant decrease in the number of normal white blood cells in your body for about 2-4 weeks, increasing the risk of infection
significant decrease in the number of platelets (blood clotting cells) increasing the risk of bleeding
significant decrease in the red cells in your blood, makin you feel tired
nauseas and vomitting
hair loss
loss of fertitily
Fludarabine:
can frequently cause sore mouth, diarrehea, rashes, fatigue (including extreme fatigue) muscle or joint aches, and loss of appetite. An extremely rare effect: blindness
Cyclophospamide: may cause heart damage, lung damage, extreme fatigue, or kidney damage. Bladder irritation that cause bleeding.
Supportive medicines: bone pain, adult respiratory distress, fever, skin rash with itching, Stevens Johnson Syndrome, which can be fatal, (if you get a rash..notify your Doc immediately), delirium, tremors, coma, emotional changes, abnormal eegs, stomach upset headache, sweating, blood in urine, low blood pressure, low platelet count, constipation, and in rare cases uremic syndrome or clotting abnormalitites, infection of a virus which causes a type of cancer or precancerous condition that grows in the brain and spinal cord.

ok...
the list goes on and on... (whew... I think that's enough for now! more than I cared to know... but glad... that I was curious... I can at least now inform my caregivers what signs/symptoms to look for)

After your last dose of IL-2 you will recover in the hospital from the side effects until your blood counts recover and you feel well enough to go home. This usually take 5-10 days aftery your last dose of IL-2. You will continue to receive the G-CSF (filgrastim) until your blood counts recover. You will need to continue to take the Bactrim for at least 6 months.
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If I am accepted into this protocol trial ~ my mother has informed me, that she will be by my side throughout treatment... and some of my family members will try and keep up my blogsite the best they can... (they first need an introductory lesson: 101 "blog-posting" LOL)
My mother has asked me, if I will shave my hair before treatment... I'm not sure if I will.. however, I am considering cutting the majority of it off and donating it ~ to a good cause/organization ~ any suggestions would greatly be appreciated. She has also asked, if I wanted her to shave her head too?... she said matter-of-factly... It brought/brings tears to my eyes... to think of the generous offer... and it would absolutely mean alot to me. I told her... not to expect me to hold back the tears on this one! I am strong... yet, there is a certain aspect of the human element at hand.
********************************************************************************
So, once again.. hang on tight ~ with me. We are waiting the results of the growth of my tumour cells...
*********************************************************************************
I plan on fighting this damn beast with all I've got ~
I've got a rainbow and the end awaiting me! :) My Tropical Oasis... home away from home... and alot of Life to LIVE!!!
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As ALWAYS... I Thank YOU ~ my reader's for your continued private/personal thoughts and messages of warmth, love, and prayer ~ it truly is a healing aide. I continue to believe in the power that other's have ~ to make a difference ~ in the lives of another!
Stay Strong ~ Live Long ~ and Enjoy Life (the simpliest of pleasures are often the ones are severely overlooked) Don't forget ~ enjoy each other... find good in all.

Tides of Time...

2008-09-18T02:23:00.002-07:00

Before I begin, I would like to let you know, that I will continue to post photo's from our much needed trip ~ away... it was extremely relaxing, beautiful, warm, and peaceful. I know, without a doubt, where my heart lies. I found a beautiful beach on the last day of my stay ~ about an hour south of Cocoa ~ which had some very nice and friendly resident's. The ocean was a marvel; beautiful shades of aqua and blue, with a crisp clearness. We found some of the best seashells! Brilliant colors and textures ~ and some awesome small conk shells! Without a doubt, this is where my heart of all heart lies.
*************************************************************************************

Alright ~ now, to post the news from today's visit with the NIH. I am still trying to absorb it all... the "shock and awe" ~ stage...

To begin, there is some activity in my upper thigh where my last biopsy was performed. However, it is hard to determine ~ because the sample/tissue may not have been a good one ~ and it may be lighting up due to scar tissue...

Next ~ the lump that I mentioned in my groin ~ which has become relatively large, and which is causing me some extreme pain ~ is indeed Melanoma. It is in the lymph nodes within the lump.

And finally ~ the 7mm of tumour that was left in my pelvis from the last surgery ~ has definately grown. It has become of some concern... it has grown enough that it is enlarged and entangled around even more arteries/nerves; so that... a) it may not be removed surgically b) it is causing the fluid in that area to push up against my bladder ~ and I now have an infection, which needs to be cleared up with antibiotics ~ asap c)the pressure from the fluid combined with the added new lump ~ is causing the blockage of my lymph nodes and slowing them down ~ which is causing all the swelling in my right leg.

So, what does all this mean? ~ basically ~ Dr. Yang said that the lump isn't a main concern at this time ~ it can be surgically removed, if necessary. However ~ the bigger problem/issues lies within the pelvis. The tumour that has grown and entangled itself even more... which is causing and will continue to cause more problems... needs to be taken care of.
My only option... is the TIL treatment.
The doctor called the lab while I was there... and they are working on growing my tumour cells to see if they will combat active melanoma in the lab setting. He said to give them about 1 week for the results. If, it works... I will be called to come in and do the TIL treatment within the next 3-4 weeks. If not, he will be looking into other alternative's similar to the the TIL.
The TIL is ~ to say the least ~ rough. I was given a packet of info and orally informed of the possible side-effects. I will Definately, loose all of my hair. I will be extremely sick ~ vomitting/nausea, etc... all the good stuff. But, I will be monitered well. There is a possibility of bodily function damage ~ kidney, livers, etc. There is also, a small percentage change that I may have permanenet brain damage. About 1 in 100.
So, there it is.
Basically, as the Dr. stated... if I choose not to do the 3-4 week long intense treatment... the tumours will continue to grow and spread...with the inevitable. This is the best chance and option that I have at the moment.
Am I scared?
Scared to death.
Absolutely.
Do I want to loose my hair?
Absolutely not ~
but, like the doc said: "it will grow back"
and the possibility of further complications/damage... well, that outweighs the alternative ~
I do agree with the doc...
deep down... I know, that the situation I am in... is not good. not good at all.

So, for now... I am going to pump in the antibiotics... and take the pain meds as needed... my immune system needs to be up and ready...
before they wipe it all out!!!

I've got 3-4 weeks to try and take care of some personal issues and prepare...

(I most definately need to get a cd of the ocean to take with me during treatments!)

quick post...update

2008-09-18T02:23:00.001-07:00

Good Day All!

I just wanted to quickly post ~ for many of you who follow ~

We made the trip back from Florida ~ we had a wonderful time!!!
We are now at the NIH in Bethesda, MD.
Yesterday was such a long day...
we got up early to make the drive from Florida to MD ~ and then I had my Mri and Ct scan ~
I have been having increased pain in my groin/pelvis from a lump that continues to grow...
this will all be checked today.
I will as well be getting the results from my scans...
I spoke with my new doctor ~ with whom I gave my recent pet disk scan and pathology report to ~ I asked her to clarify... and she did confirm that there is some melanoma activity in my inner thigh as well as in my pelvis...
I will have all the current results/info today...
so, hang in tight.. as I am.
It is, once again... time to get back to "reality" ~
in the so-called world of Melanoma.

Anyone who is new... who may be reading... I would be more than willing to answer/share anything...
don't hesitate to ask.
You may send private messages to Summerbead69@yahoo.com

PS ~ I continue to wish Simon in England the best~ I send out my positive thoughts for recovery.

I will post ASAP with all results.

Have a Wonderful Day :)

Chance Encounter...

2008-09-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

It was an absolutely beautiful day ~ and one, which; I will never soon forget.

I had ventured back out on the beach, in the early evening ~ to take in some more of nature's beauty and splendor. I couldn't help but notice one very young girl impaticular. Without a doubt, I knew, in my mind and heart; that she was a cancer patient undergoing chemo treatments.
She was a wonderous beauty, who was enjoying the beach with her family and friends. I watched as she picked up sea shells and even captured a crab, to her amusemument!
Without a doubt; as I have always stated, God works in mysterical ways. Everything, DOES happen for a reason.
I spoke with Lilly's mother for a bit and asked if she would mind that I put her daughter, Lilly's story on my site. She kindly accepted. She will be forwarding her daughter's carebrigde page to me ~ and in turn, I will post it on my site.
My recent venture ~ to try and help terminal cancer patients live their childhood dreams ~ begins here. I told Lilly's mother, that I would try to raise some funds; so that their family may spend the much needed time together ~ as they were, on this very day.
ANY and ALL funds, that will be recieved will go to Lilly's family. However, prayer is always a wonderful support and gift ~ just the same.
It is in The power of: YOU ~ that I believe.
Encounters are never chance. Today, I was graced by the presence of an incredible little girl ~ who was enjoying Life...
God Bless.

A pearilous journey of thoughts...

2008-09-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

She sat sheltered by the shadows of the wavering umbrella with nothing more than a minut insight into what lay ahead. Her golden hair glistened with the reflected light. The sun was now setting and the moon appeared as the dawn of daybreak ended. Fine course granuetes of sand were ingrained in the golden girls smooth, silky skin. As her eyes glared; fixed at an unknown point in the horizon where the horizontal ocean meets the the sky, she feel, subcumb and numb to the events which were surround. A wedding party made way, and as calps, chants, and cheers, of happiness came closer, so to, did the tears. The shade could only shelter her sorrow momentarily.
As children laughed, screamed, and played; so to, did all the adults around. But one, in particular, unflinched by humans meanuduring to and fro, had stopped remarkably close to medidate. The golden girl watched with admiration, starring with gentle curiousity. What could this woman, this figure of existance be focused upon?
So, she too, decided to to try to practice a forum of meditation. At the very point where her mind began to rumble and stir, the sky opened and unveiled the slightest hint of the cloudy white moon.
It had taekn her all day, to come to peace with her intermost personal turmoil and the long, jadded walk from the evening before had brought much pain. The lymphatic leg and the previous night's moonlite walk brought about hopes with romantic ferver, which often swallowed and enveloped her. Her longing and desire to share the beauty of nature and life; within love, would be one, that she would continue to silently long for.
Her perilous journey seemed frivolous ~ to many, and even to herself. Her quixotic quest was impervious to all. She didn't feel as though, she were dying ~ all but the contrare. She was supremely alive. She had become one with nature; but uncertainty had set in, as the nature of human relations. Was she merely alone with these thoughts? Had she become more introverted than in her delicate youth?
~These days brought upon many unanswered questionable thoughts~...

Melissa

2008-09-12T10:03:00.000-07:00

*I wanted to post this for you to read. Please feel free to contact Melissa or leave any responses for her. Melissa can be reached privately at: dr.doolittle1@sbcglobal.net Thank you soooo much! *

Hi Becky. Read your blog. I hope you will read this.
From: "Melissa"

Hi Becky,I am crying while reading your bio and thinking what an inspiration you are to me. Im feeling guilty that I worry so much about getting a melanoma metastasis while you are facing it yourself. I crave for your attitude and the POWER of YOU. How did you get it???? My brain is my worst enemy and I have been struggling for YEARS to change my thought pattern. I cant seem to get rid of it. No matter how hard I try. I am actually a very postitive person when it comes to everything but myself. I too believe everyone has a purpose in life. I found mine thru having cancer. I am thankful for that. I believe everyone you meet is to teach you something. Is there anything you can teach me??? I am 38. Married and have a toddler. I live life each day as it is my last. I constantly worry about death and dying from cancer. I have nightmares every night. I dont like to talk about the future in fear that I wont be here for it. I hate living this way. Its such a lonely existance........ Every day I am poisoning my body with my toxic thoughts.... I want to be like YOU..... I feel HORRIBLE for asking you for some guidence with what you are going through. I hate whining when someone else is going thru something so much worse than me. I stuff all my emotions and no one really understands the road I have been down. Its been a long one.....not just cancer. I had open chest surgery to remove a mass in my chest 4 years ago which was thought to be melanoma that had spread. It was actually a pre-cancerous mass but the surgery was so hard on my body that I developed Lupus and a blood clotting disorder that causes strokes & heart attacks. I am on immuno-suppressants for the lupus and sometimes I feel really sick. So, I guess I have a lot on my plate which contributes to my fear of dying... I understand that you probably dont have the time to give me some tips. But, maybe you could lead me in the right direction to heal...... I just cant figure out how to do it on my own. Huge hugs,Melissa

*Melissa and I have just begun corresponding. I know, that I recieve many private messages, and I do try to respond to them all. I can only tell you, from the heart, much like, you tell me; how you are feeling at the moment, how I feel in reply. I do believe that we are all here to help each other and one another. Encounters are not chance ~ believe in that and believe in yourself.
As always... Stay Strong... and Live even stronger!

Life is short: Eat Chocolate!

2008-09-10T20:44:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable. Unbelieveable, is all I can say! Ok, so, we found out that Florida's Mall had an M & M's store... needless to say... since we have never been to one, or seen one, we were excited and curious to venture off.
I have never seen soooo much chocolate candy. Candy coated in every imaginable color of the rainbow! And, although my all time favorite color is dark blue; I have been having a tendancy to sway to aqua. Hence, the aqua shirt that I wore this evening to the event!
Naturally, I choose an array of my most recent colors ~ dark blue, aqua, red, and brown. I'm not even sure, where or why these four colors have become so significant to me.
Regardless ~ everyday brings about something new.
Today must have been a chocolate day. After the M & M store we ventured off to the Godiva store ~ for my all time favorite chocolate cup filled with red raspberries. Usually, I get these after my flight to the NIH (National Cancer Institute). Since, I will not be flying next week to Md I just couldn't resist ~ it has become my new tradional ritual ~
Next stop... Dylan's candy shop! Everything imaginable can be found in this all in one stop! Upon meandering around, I came across a shirt which simply stated: Life is short: Eat Chocolate!
Wow ~ I couldn't have expressed it any better or simplier. Chocolate. Another of Life's simplier pleasures.
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We are having a wonderful time ~ on vacation and enjoying each other's company. We will be heading back to the beach ~ which, I am sincerely looking forward to. Yes, it is a great feeling... being able to enjoy life.
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I had almost forgot to mention ~ while I was on the boardwalk at the beach several days ago, enjoying an ice-cream, the view, my daughter's company, and the breeze... a middle aged gentleman in a wheelchair made his way over to speak to us. It was obvious that he had some speech impediments, yet; he was very skilled and determined to converse.
He began to express his unhappiness with life ~ and his unfortunate circumstance. He was struck by a drunk driver in his teenage years and his father had passed to cancer. I felt compelled to express my thoughts... and assure him, that life was a blessing.
He continued to tell me, that he was alone and that he had never set foot in the sand. Unimaginable. Simply unimaginable. He was less than ten feet from the sandy beach and shore and had never experienced the sand beneath his feet or the water rushing over his toes.
I had hoped to helped this gentleman... but unfortunately, I was unable. There were, needless to say; many people around. None of whom, offered to aide. I can't say, that I didn't try; because, I did.
At times, I am appauled by behavior; and yes, that includes my own. It truly takes alot to step out of the "character of normalacy" ~ that is to say... societies percieved inhibitions.
The Power of: YOU ~ is a self-emplorement. A self-empowerment, that is meant for the greater good ~ of all.
If you ask me; "normalacy", simply is a state of controlled mind. Going beyond the boundaries... now, that is what I call... an act of kindness and graciousness.
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Find it in The Power of: YOU ~ to make a difference. To go beyond boundaries. (and don't forget: Life is short: Eat Chocolate!)

Mercy Me ~ I can only imagine

2008-09-05T20:29:00.000-07:00

I was sitting outside tonight ~ with my daughter, at the beach resort ~ at the karaoke tiki bar...
it brought back so many vivid memories... and yet, in the same token... a renewed sense of self...

As a little girl began to sing this song "I can only imagine" by Mercy Me...(utube click on right, bottom one)
the tears began to swell...

Quit an emotional moment. One of those moments in time, similiar to that of "peace" ~ a peaceful reflection, of life beyond.

I can honestly, only imagine, what it will be like...

what will my heart feel...
will I stand in your presence?
I can only imagine...

Have you grace me with your glory?
Have you I honored you? Have I worshiped you?

Do I deserve your grace?

What will I see?
What will it be like?

Will I walk by your side?
What will my eyes see?

When your face is before me ~ I will be honored by your glory...

Will I dance for you Jesus?

Will I sing "alleluia"...

Oh, I can only imagine...

When that day comes...
and I find myself standing in the sun...

as I stand now... in the sun...
in the honor of your presence..

on this earth...
in this heaven...

What will my heart feel?

What will my family and friends feel?

Will you bring comfort to their hearts and souls? ~

I can only imagine...
I can only believe...

All that we can only do... is forever worship you.

~it is a beautiful evening here ~ very delightful and pleasant.
My daughter was going to sing her first karaoke song for me... but, unfortunately...it was closing time...

Such a wonderful experience...
outside, under the stars...
with the ocean in view...

Life, can not get any better than this. It truly is the littliest of gestures and the simplier intricacies in life; that mean the most and are cheerished the greatest.

Live your life; one day at a time... enjoying the glory of his grace...
sing alleluia and dance...

for, you can only imagine...

Peace...

2008-09-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

There is calm in the eye of the storm...

~There is always a reflective moment, at a random moment, in time.

It is that unknown, unplanned moment in a day, when you are at peace with yourself and one with the world. And although, you may be in the middle of turmoil; or the "eye of the storm" ~ you are calm.
It is this peaceful moment that helps you surrender. Your inhibitions are let go... and become free.

*I have a wonderful friend who recently expressed gratitude ~ through many of our adversities; there is light ~ and it is within this light ~ in the eye of the strom ~ that we find our peace.

Nothing can sum it up any better than in Eckart Toole's book: Awakening to your life's purpose. He simply states;
"See the fullness of life all around you. The warmth of the sun on your skin, the display of magnificent flowers outside a florist's shop, biting into a succulent fruit, or getting soaked in an abundance of water falling from the sky. The fullness of life is ther at every step... let it flow out..."

Learning to live your life, to the fullest, and finding your peace in the eye of the storm... now, that is an energy flow full of abundance.

Enjoy your finer moments and enjoy your inner peace.

Long Life...

2008-09-02T15:21:00.001-07:00

HI! Yes, I've been playing around with my camera, again! I was trying to get some fun shots of the necklace that my aunt gave to me...

it is supposed to mean "Long Life"...

I simply had to post the photo of myself, because I was feeling quit "chipper"! :)
I let my hair down, started pressing the button on camera... and got a great fun shot!

I am looking forward to a GREAT LONG LIFE!

I am living... and loving every moment.

~that's all I wanted to post for now! Just wanted to let you all know, that I am doing well. Overall, feeling fine ~ feeling well ~ and am in Excellent Spirits!!!
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Still contemplating many of my future options...

*I am eating a carmel apple ~ WOW ~ tastes wonderful. There is sooo much good in this life to enjoy... if we simply take the time.

~Some of my reader's have sent some private e-mails... and I just wanted to let you know... that I will be making this blogsite into a journal of memoirs. Thank You so much for your encouraging words. It will absolutely be a wonderful way to preserve my thoughts for my family and friends.
~I would also like to make sure, that I have the permission of all; who have either been posted or talked about; to be included in my book. As well, I may contain an area at the end of the book for private e-mail/correspodences, dating back... (I thought that this might be nice to preserve for my family/daughter)
If there is anyone, who truly, would not like to be included, please don't hesitate to send me a message. I respect the privacy of all.
~I will be sure to inform everyone when I finish with this endeavor. I have started on it... but, it proves to be quite time-consuming!!! Please bear with me. Thank for your patience!

Love,
Becky

Take time to allow someone else to smell the roses...

2008-09-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

I must say... that yesterday... the act of one random gentlemen, made my day.

I was waiting in line; and you know how you often get impatient? Well... that was me... I began to feel myself getting irritated and a bit edgy... I found myself looking around and scooping out all the other lines... I began to assess... as we all do... and was getting ready to make my move... when... it hit me. I realized... that it really wouldn't matter... this line, that line... etc... each and everyone one of us... must wait our turn... before we are attended to.
Where does this impatience come from? My thoughts continued to proceed... and I began to realize... that I needed to to give everyone their chance. In the end... it was well worth the wait. The gentlemen in front of me... had two extra savings coupons which he proceeded to hand on to myself and the lady behind me.
I thanked him and wished his family a wonderful day. I also made mention to the woman behind me, that it was a wonderful thought and deed.

Not only did this gentlemen take the time, to do something nice; so too, did another...

An elder gentelmen's car had broken down... and a young boy... ran out of his car to help. He helped pushed the elder's car off to the side...
I felt compelled to Thank the the young boy...

My daughter was in the car at the time... and thought that I was crazy.

I am sure, that many other's may have believed so, as well. But, it is... these very random acts that are within The Power of: YOU that truly can and do make a difference.

We have become soo wrapped in our days... and with the concept of time. I am learning to realize... that we all need to just learn to s.l.o.w. down ... just a bit. To relax... and take our time... and not worry so much about the concept of time.
Yes, I understand, admitably; that time, is important. We all have appointments to keep... errands to run... kids to take here and there... work, etc... and the list goes on and on...
Very stressful indeed.

I had begun to think about this more, as the day continued on... the concept of time... and how we are so caught up with it... that we loose track and thought of anything but....

I also began to think about Dr. Randy Paush's message...

He was a pioneer... in thought. Indeed. Simple message.
I believe as well... that mine too... is simple.
To just take time. Take the time to find it within yourself to help another. One person a day... regardless if it is a quick smile and glance, a short conversation, or a greater deed.
You will be amazed at the difference that it will make in your tempermant for the day. The Power of: YOU is an aid. It can, and I firmly do believe, it can... help heal.
Even if it is just to help release someone's stressful day... or beyond...
take the few moments to simply make a change. To make a differnce.
Slow yourself down... for a few moments... in time.

Selfish Thought!!!

2008-08-29T19:34:00.000-07:00

Where do I even begin this evening? ~ I have an incredible amount of energy and thought these days... I honestly don't know what to attribute it too...
Although, I am not getting much sleep ~ I am feeling well rested ~ yet, full of an abundance of wrestless energy. I've got soooo many ideas... and soooo many things that I want to do...
I don't know if it is because of the deep seeded rootful thought of the possibly limited time that I may have... or perhaps just the simple concept of an awakening to life.
WE have so many choices in life. So many decisions... which way do we go?
So many times, I find, that people aren't happy with themselves and with their life, and career choice.
I can say... that I was content with mine. I was, to say the least, extremely happy. I had a good job, a nice home, a wonderful family, and an honest and decent husband.
So, what happened? Did I, myself become uncontend? Unhappy with my life's choices?
Is it enough ~ so, that I could warrant the branding "selfish"?
This word seems to keep popping up these days ~ within my personal realm. I am told, that I "selfish" ... either, for my behavior or future plans.
It is, without a doubt; beginning to push me away... further and further.
At this point, in my life... I just want some Peace and Understanding. I'm not asking for sympathy or empathy; just mere understading... a relation to my personal thoughts.
If it is in The Power of: YOU ~ that you wholeheartidly believe in ~ you would have an understanding and support for other's. Regardless of what personal impact it may have in regards to YOU. Now, I ask ~ is this not in turn... what can be construded as "selfishness" in turn?
The Power of: YOU ~ is meant to help ~ not meant to aim ~ and thwart ~ negative thought and emotion.
In essence ~ yes, to some greater extent; we are all: at the mercy of our own egotic state.
So, what's the point of this evening's cyriptic message?
I am ~ who I am. I am as you see me to be; in your own eyes. I am nothing more or nothing less. I have valid feelings and emotions ~ that are, yes... extremely hightened; and often released.
I am a sensible, yet reckless being. I am strong and yet weak. I am a believer in the ultimate ~ thought ~ that everything has it's purpose and being.
I am a dreamer. I am a lover. I am one with nature. I am one with peace. I am a mother. I am resiliant and submissive. I am forgiving and forgetful. I am compassionate ~ yet bleak. I am hopeful and sorrowful. I am good and bad.
The point is... this IS me. The Ying and the Yang.
I know what I want out of life... that will not change... that, is not "selfishness"
That is my reality. That is my dream. That is my goal. That is my challenge. That is what I will pursue.
I have never felt so much resistance in all my life. But, regardless... it is only making me that much stronger... and not weak!
I will continue to explore my life and the greater possibilites within in.
I will shine ~ through ~
I know, that many of YOU ~ do believe. You do believe in the Power ~ and the guidance.
It signifies ~ change. It is dignity, in my wing.
My exploration ~ took plight ~ because of your beliefs. Your positive thoughts of power and prayer.
My awakening, continues to be an introspection of ~ self.
I LOVE what I see.
I have so many of you to thank ~ who believe in the absolute Power of: YOU.
You know who you are. You are beyond my shinning stars. You are my outreach and in turn... I become that for someone else, in need.
*******************************************************************************
~ alright, so, I went off on a tangent, that I honestly didn't even originally plan on posting...
I know that alot of my thoughts seemed jumbled and mixed or confused... or better yet, confusing... but, because they are personally related to me... in some manner of form... I try to do my best... to be somewhat discrete.
I have so many thoughts about so many topics... so much to yet do and say... yet, an unseemingly limited amount of time ~ to accomplish them all.
So, I must begin to prioritize... something, that I am working on..
In the meantime... in the world of cancer... I have gotten an appointment at the Hillman Cancer Center. It is scheduled after my appointment with the NIH in mid September. Wow, where has the time gone? ~ I can't believe that it is almost fall.
Anyway... I am quit busy these days... researching... my alternatives... therapies, approaches to life and treatment ~
it's daunting how much information is out there... yet, is not truly ~ "publically" availible.
A few things I've learned this week:
~for a good cleansing... add some lemon to your "natural water"
~don't drink the tap water... full of contaments!!!
~fruits, veggies... full of pesticides!!! (wash, wash, wash)
~buy organic ~(make sure it says: CERTIFIED organic, otherwise, it's NOT.)
~seek alternative methods to aid in your health and healing: ie: metaphysical; yoga, massage, accupunture, aromatherapy, colortherapy, natural wheats and greens, mind-body exploration...
There is a wealth of information out there... it is incredible. We are doing nothing more, than killing ourselves... with all the preservatives, meat, pesticides, etc... that we put in our bodies and in our daily lives... stress... is a killer.
I can't believe that I never took heed to actually living a truly healthier lifestyle.
I do welcome any and all suggestions and thoughts... new information... etc... I love it all...
Today, was the first day that I have ever heard of another natural aide: "paw paw" ~that is next on my list...to study!!!
~it's once again gettting late... and I am sure... that I am beginning to diverge...
my late night thoughts... are only but a few...
I will bid you good-night, or good-day...
~continue to believe in yourself... and seek out other's who... believe in you too.

A New Awakening...

2008-08-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

I'm working on my new awakening... awakening in life... with life... (my new sense of self)
I'm learning and living. What more can anyone ask of themselves?

There is no particular answer book for any of us... for any of our dilemna's and problems. We can only live in the here and now... and try to do the best with ourselves and relations with other's.

At times, it becomes neceassary to evalute certain events and situations; and see themn for what they truly are. Not an easy task; especially when one is "emotionally" involved and charged.

Without a doubt, my continued belief in The Power of: YOU ~ holds steadfast. I do believe that you ultimatley can affect the life of another. Moreso, I believe for the good, rather than the bad.

I don't believe that anyone intentionally sets out to hurt another ~ but, it truly does happen. We wouldn't be human without the power of emotion and feelings. We would in essence... be a rock. A solid mass form...

We are intricate beings... complex and simple.

We can change the outcome of someone's day... with very little more or less than a few words or gestures.

Unselfishness is an act of gratitude. It is unthought or planned. It just is... it is, what it is... a random act of kindness out of the heart of a true, caring person.

Selfishness is an act that is, in essence, pre-meditated. An awareness of oneself... as superior to another. Selphishness, is the opposite of unselfishness... which does not reflect in The Power of: YOU ~ to make change. Not only within and of yourself, but with other's as well.

Unfortunately, as humans, we take many emotions to heart. And, perhaps, we allow those emotions to carry into effect ~ in our relationships with others. Its ego's defense.

A new awakening can only happen when we see ourselves, "our ego's" for what they truly are.

Yes, I have been reading Eckhart Tole's "Awakening to Your Life's Purpose"...

A very profound and intense read. Not to be taken lightly. To be ingested slowly... and with ease.

Naturally, it's hard to take a look at oneself from the outside in, or vice versa.

What do YOU stand for? What do YOU believe?

~this is just a bit of my rambling mind, this eve... (yes, some personal issues play a role ~ hey, I'm only human...)

*so, on another thought and note: (in relation to disease control) "According to the Journal of American Medical Association, medical treatment is the third-leading cause fo death after heart disease and cancer in the United States...

~Wow~ think about that...

Eckart Toole states that "Homeopathy and Chines medicine are two examples of possible alternative approaches to disease that do not treat the illness as an enemy and therefore do not create new diseases"... "The war against disease has given us, amongst other things, antibiotices... [and], that the widespread and indsicriminate use of antibiotics has created a time bomb and that antibiotic-resistant strains of bacteria, will in all likelihood bring about a reemergences of those diseases and possibly epidemics."

he continues to state that "war is a mind-set...[which ultimately] will either strenghten the enemy, the perceived evil, or if the war is won, will create a new enemy..."

~yes... the thought of chemo treatments continue to haunt me. I do not see good in completely taking out and whipping the bodies naturall immune system, only to feed it cells to try and help boost the immune system and destroy cancer cells; let alone, destroy good cells in the process...

the more I read... the more information that is out there... I questioned the position of my upcoming treatments.

I've got to believe that our body has a more "natural" way-approach to fight off the illness. One, which will not strenghten or destroy the enemy...thus, creating a new one.

That's my late night mindless retoric for this evening...
There's always some nonsense going on in that brain of mine!!! LOL...

Continue to keep The Power of: YOU alive and well.

PS... Greg, I sincerely look forward to sharing those three cups of tea.
Sending my Love to All