HAPPY HALLOWEEN

It's an absolutely beautiful Ohio fall day! It's 66 degrees and sunny :)

The leaves on the trees here are amazing, simply breathtaking. The sun brings about great happiness and warmth. I plan on enjoying it, while it lasts! Hope you like the photo's! Happy Halloween!! Enjoy your weekend!

Let's Celebrate!

Another week gone, lost to the world of medical realm. It's often a slight challenge to get yourself used to a life and world that must permiate around medical attention and treatment. In and out of hospital's ~ on a whim, or often without prior notice, or very little notice at all.
My world is unlike any that I had ever expected to experience nor that I had ever thought that I would be experiencing. There is no guide book or rule's that help you deal with the constant struggles and changes in your life style. One minute you are feeling well, on top of the world; and the next, you are sicker than crap with your head in the toilet!
I've come to completely appreciate the finer side of life. And, although, when I do get to "come back" to "reality" I have a slight adjustment to make ~ with constant worries about the next "episode", I do the best I can ~ to make the most of what time I have.
My days and nights are all mixed up. I no longer work on a set schedule. My body is fighting a battle 24/7 ~ and often times, it just needs to rest, when IT says rest. I take the good moments with the bad, and vice versa, you see. I take upon NO pity. Ok... yeah, yeah.. sure, I have my incredible lapses and moments or reason ~ when I wonder why this life was given/chosen for me. But, overall, what has befallen and been bestowed upon me, has ultimatley helped grace me. It has given me strength in the eye's of adversity, and permitted my weakness, in times of need.
It's hard to believe, as I sit here now, finally at home on my living room couch, that I am a cancer patient, fighting ~ FIGHTING ~ for my LIFE. For me. Ok, I know, it's not that I am selfish; yes, I do this for many other greater reasons. For one, a wonderful daughter, who has been through the emotional brink that could cause any teenager great destruction.
She has held up tremendously well throughout these years. She is a strong girl and I would like to think that I had some role to play in that part! A girl who once knew a life with a family full of stability ~ has now come to know a world ~ and life, completely on her own. Through adversity, grows strength of character, and indeed, hers shines through.
My immediate family, which I am sure is mixed with ferver and emotion ~ constantly elicites dediction. There is never any falter or wavering. My mother has taken on the task ~ of not only grandmother ~ but, of "mom" in-situ and my aunt is "on-call" at a moments notice. My sister has so graciously extended a great life ~ for my daughter if I shall proceed ~ to death sooner than can be.
My friends ~ not only the friends that are nearest and dearest to me, but my online community ~ which has given me great time in the onset of diversity. Without this forum and realm and your continued loyalty ~ to read ~ I would be "lost" ~ indeed. My blogging journal has become a great mental aide. It has helped me learn to articulate thought without worry of reprocution ~ it has shown me, that regardless of the nature, of being; I can truly be me.
It is beginning to come in full focus. When I first started this blog, it had no rhymn or reason ~ but, justly so, I do now believe ~ that I have tapped into the glory of kindness from YOU ~ and for all to see.
I still can't believe... that I am sitting here at home, with a tumor mass which continous to grow in my pelvis, that continues to cause much pain. A tumor inside me. I now know that it is there. I can most certainly "feel" it whithin side me.
It is scary, knowing, that it is wrapped around so many major veins and nerves ~ I often wonder what other havick this craZy tumor will soon cause for me. But, I will not let worries overcome me.
I will take my pain med's and do the best I can... to live ~ normally.
It's funny how, today, while I was speaking with the lady in the room next to me ~ how much we tended to agree. On the outside ~ at this very moment ~ there is an excitment and stir for this years political race. One of the greatest in recent history. In the meanwhile ~ this great race, is lost to all the souls who are so desperately, fighting; fighting to hold on and save their lives, so vividly.
We, yes, are weak. We have our times and moments when we just need to grieve. We often get tired of hearing all the cheers and gibes of "Hope and Believe". It's an underlying concept of perceptual thought for all cancer patients. Now, don't get me wrong, we truly do love your support, but we often ask, that you simply understand: that to take a bad day as a grain of salt ~ is no easier than putting that grain of salt in an open wound.
So, yes, now that I am home ~ I will begin to take it slow, before I begin to "celebrate" the life that was given to me. I can't help but keep thinking ~ of my upcoming 40th birthday... it is supposed to be a great one time day ~ an ordeal of many sorts ~ and yet, I can't just but help praying to believe that I will be able simple to just be ~ ALIVE and well enough to enjoy the day ~ of all days.
For now ~ "Let's Celebrate" Life ~ let's take one day at a time ~ and give with goodness at heart and forgive with a graceness of someone not in need.
Good day/night my friends, you are forever with me.

Lights out number 7???

Hello All! Ok ~ before I begin... LOL... I've got to remind you that I am sitting in the hospital bed with several different medical prescriptions in loop! :) ~ please excuse any unneccesary rambling, mispelled words, or strayed thoughts! Let's proceed!
I must say... I truly missed journaling throughout this week... I'm not sure what you may have got ~ it was a rough one indeed. I've got ALOT to say, once again, so this will be a long one... so, put on your slippers or take off your shoes... grab a nice cup of warm java... and let's get her started.

I wrote this last night at about 3 am while on a bout of a 22 hour "all nighter" ~ I'm not sure what drugs they are giving me here, but... I must say... crazy induced states of mind... have come my way :)

*The sixth floor of Aultman Hospital is my safe haven. One of my home away from hone's. Although, I must say, I am becoming quit accustomed to return and repeat trips to the local ER. I've come to realize that the "excrutiating" pain is a metamorphisis or catalyst which is triggered by a far greater "enigma"; as Dr. Krauss and many of my other referrals which include my oncologist, infectious disease team, urologist, and pathologist, tend to agree to disagree and conquer.
There was no solid evidence this time for the events which took place throughout the week. I became known simply, as, the "enigma". A medical mystery.
At the onset, I entered the ER with extreme pain in my right back and a slight reflection starting in my left back and a slight reflection starting on the opposing side. Without a doubt in my mind, it was my kidney. As well, there was blood present in my urine. A ct scan was perfomed and an additional ultra sound was ordered. Without a doubt my kidney was holding urine. Dr. Kraus did not believe that after such a short period of a time from the recent stint placement that it was possible to be blocked or misplaced. All scans confirmed his thoughts. The bloodwork had increased in levels of kreatin throughout the week; which basically means that this is evidence the kideny wasn't draining properly. However, I was urinating quite well. The primary urine tests initially showed infection/bacteria.
The first night at the er was a disaster! A spawn that set the week to spin uncontrollably into chaos.
I informed the er that I had just taken some morphine and had a lydacain patch on my back, an anesthetic used to help eliviate pain. I was then administred a drug 2xs more powerful called dilatin (ps... my spellings of all med's are basically, probably wrong.. sorry, please bear with me) I was then given shortly after a second injection of the same pain med. The pain was subsiding but not well enough to convince the er doc on call. I was then given "fergusen" which is used as an antinausea with a sedative property. As it was slowly being explained to me while it was being put through my iv line... I no sooner heard these words "sedative"... and it was "lights out". My momsaid that I was released from the er and sent home with a prescription fro antibiotics. However, I was in absolutely NO condition to respond to her attempts to get me dressed and get me home. Home, which ideally is only 1 block from the hospital. Convienent at times indeed. Regardless, this was a task in and of itself from my mom. She said I was unresponsive and my legs were dead weight; she equated me that evening to a woman who was on a great drunken binge for the night.
(She is soooo modest when writing her posts)
After much effort, she got me dresed and put in a wheelchair. It was apparently a cold, rainy night (which at this point I was completely oblivious too!) She had to leave me in the rain in the wheelchair while she went to revtrieve the van, as a securtiy guard watched from inside. Finally, he came to help my mom get me in the van and my mother was successful in getting me home and in bed safely. I slept nearly 10 straight dead hours ~ unaware of the evenings events.
I then had an apt. with my urologist when I woke at which time he and my oncologist concluded it would be best to admit me. My blood work and systems of low pressure were of great concern. I was put on the fourth floor (which ironically enough does not specialize in cancer/oncology care)
Merely because I needed a heart monitor and the oncology floor on sixth had none ~ I had to be admitted to the floor from hell.
My days there, in the small dark, deep blue cubicle room, which was no more than 15 x 10 gave way to unbearable events. I was ready for it all to end.
I was first given antibiotics, which I forgot to mention, I vomitted in the er the previous night. The zophran, which is supposed to stop or help elimated nausea and vomiting did not work by any means. I requested another antibiotic but it wasn't switched and bag after bag, day after day, I continued to increasingly excrete the iv meds ~ it was truly a nightmare. My stomach was unsettled and unrested. My nurses would not attend to my calls, often for 20-45 minutes. AT this point my head was spinning, my stomach was churning and the pain... well the pain was a mere backdrop at this point. Not to mention, the increased pressure and pain from the growth of my tumour in the pelvis (oooohhh, had I completely forgeten I had cancer at this time?)
I had had enough. This was NO WAY to live.
I decided to QUIT , yes Quit ALL meds. Cold Turkey. For two days, NO DRUGS what so ever.
My stomach began to settle and my urine samples were "clean" from bacteria and indecisive and inconclusive of infectious disease.
I am a great believer in the power of the mind ~ to help hela and divert attention from pain. My recent new home therapies of 4-6 sea salt warm baths and peace and quiet silence ~ mediation ~ helped distract the tougher pain through the warmth of the water which acted as an anesthetic "patch" to my pain.
Unfortunately only medicine is availible in a hospital and indeed frequently and mainly used as a means to control pain. I believed I was over medicated and not only that, but given antibiotics which increased the nausea ~ and caused the emition/void of all med's. (ironically, my food was substained)
This week I've learned alot. You have to take control of your own health care, truly be your own advocate. It's funny how, several days after I quit the meds and began to feel better, the docs began to state that once "they quite" the antibiotics and meds, things seemed better.... (umm... hummm... wasn't that my "self-prescription")
Regardless, the enigma reamins. My kidney still would not drain. The urologist does not believe that the placement of the new larger stint will solve the problem. He believes that if this does not work a permanent outside bag/drain will need to be placed on my back through the kidneys. It will be a life changing event; one, which I am unprepared or am ready and convinced to committ myself to.
I've carried heavy emotional burden throughout the week, which I am verbalizing to my mother ~ and I know ~ are very difficult to hear and ones which she does not want to contemplate. She believes that there is always Hope and that I should continue to believe; and, its difficult at times to convince her ~ to see, that I truly do, believe. Yet, at times the misery is overwhelming by the moment and the truth of the events. I am on a spiral ~ which may seriously proceed and as my oncologist exclaimed, "you are slowly going downhill".
~without a doubt, from many true life stories of cancer survivors, patients, and caregivers... the true life events ~ my Truth of the inevitable ~ death ~ and the end , lurks; constantly from beyond.
But, indeed as someone whom I admire and who is dear to me stated, "keep fighting it... they are all wrong... paradise awaits you".
There is a battle which may be won.
Livestrong ~ Fight stronger
My newest motto from all these events; which, by the way has helped me continue to develop and inspire my idea, concept, and goal of creating a fund to build two hospice style resort retreats for cancer patients, family, and friends. One on the beach... all rooms with a view and a balcony, fully equipped for all of a cancer patients needs and one by the mountains... all rooms cabin style with a porch and swing with a view of nature's beauty, splendor and glory.
The idea is simple ~ and incorporates much of what I have heard many say: "I wish would wouldn't have spent all that time in the hospital bed... I wish we could have went to the beach or the mountains"... Simple idea... which will take great big bucks to accomplish and extend... to all terminal cancer patients; who are like me, who would like to enjoy the beach, yet, still need to be given treatments/iv's/temps checked, etc.. etc... The family could stay as an all inclusive: vacation/resort/retreat/hospice style place ~ (and naturally with a pool shaped in the form of a cancer ribbon) Time can be spend together ~ while making memories and dreams.
Always, the ideas ~ yet so little time to truly work ~ the "magic" work on the greater issue of a Humanatarian nature. I am absolutely, always welcome and open to any and all suggestions for help and aide in helping make this ~ my dream, or "legacy", a reality.
I would love to reach Lance Armstrong and his foundation to ask for permission to use my newest motto as a logo to put on not just yellow cancer bands... but all... the rainbow of colors that cancer emuates. To also put on t-shirts, socks, etc... to sell to help begin to raise the money for this grave endeveaour.
I would also love to reach Oprah, because, you know... without a doubt, she is #1!

Any and all outreach or help would greatly and fondly be appreciated. It would mean the world to me. Its a mountain to climb... that unfortunately, due to extended hospital stays... I am unable to divert full attention to. But, I give you my word... and promise that I am a determined gal... and I will fight this beast to win! and help others in the midst of their pain~

*******
Ominniscent Reflection
of patient, family, and friend
retreating to a haven of glory
which will electrigfy the end ~
Rebecca Luker
Terminal Cancer Patient, with family, and friends ~ who, in the room on the sixth floor of Aultman Hospital began to gain more insight to the importance and greater meaning of life... to spend "comfortable" retreat ~ to release ~ to get way to Zen ~

I Love You all
May your heart be full of solace

The Power of: YOU reflects from within ~ release and radiate ~ shine, as the star which you are. "The illuninating light and beauty of the Eiffel Tower at night"
That is who YOU are. An incredible sight... "aspire to see". R.L.

Late Addition:
I have started on my quest. I have written to Oprah, Lance Armstrong, and Mel Robbins of Make if Happen.
I would greatly appreciate any help at all, with my plight. Sending letters of support powered by YOU would greatly be appreciated!
If you are a blogger, help spread the word!!! Link other's to my world...
Thank you all!!!

Update on my sister

Becky is still at Aultman Hospital in Canton and is having a new, larger stent put in today. We are hoping this will relieve some of the pain she is having. She also had an infection due to backed up urine which was causing some pain. NIH has said they can not move forward with treatment until the kidney problem is managed. We hope this new stent corrects the urine flow and helps with some of the pain so she can get to NIH and have treatment. The goal is to do a cell replacement therapy where the tumor in the pelvis causing some of the pain and the problems with the kidney to shrink and ultimately be gone. I will keep you up to data - as best I can (Becky's Sister)

Update on Becky

Hi, Everyone
Becky is still in Hospital, but doing well, they may be changing the stint by putting in a larger one, or a different kind, we will probably no on Monday, of course this is now the weekend and the main Docs are not on call. So we are waiting, but infection is cleared up, but of course she is still in pain. I want to thank my niece and Beckys cousin Cheryl, for the lovely pictures her grandsons made for Becky i have hung them in her room she now has her Beach to look at. So hopefully she will be home next week. Anyone who wants to e-mail me personaly this is my address, Keyserbood@yahoo.com
Thanks to everyone for your conserns
Beckys MOM

I'm finding it harder...

As I sit here... I am in excrutiating pain. Nerve med's and morphine are not even taking the edge off. It is a familiar pain ~ much like what started before the stint was put in... although, this time... it is re-occuring on the same side (right); where the tumour is and on the left as well. I am as well having some blood in my urine ~ and painful disomfort with this stint. I most definately can feel it in me. I have an apt. with the doc who put the stint in tommorrow... so, I will be sure to address all these issues. Although, I have a feeling that I just may be admitting myself to the hospital if the pain doesn't cease. I truly don't understand what could be going wrong and/or why the left side is now re-acting the same.
It seems to be one thing after another... and I fear, I just may not be dealing well with all of this.I don't know how much more I can forego.

I was watching a movie this evening (well, I was trying to anyway...) entitled: Rails & Ties with Kevin Bacon. In the movie, his wife was dying of cancer and all were not dealing well with the illness and on the brink of emotional crisis.
I could see alot of myself in the wife's character. There was a quote by Dylan Thomas which helps sum up alot of the pain:

"Do not go gentle into that good-nite
rage, rage, rage,
against the dying of the light"

it made me think:
"am I dying~ into the night, the abyss that becomes light"...

I have believed that I was dealing well with all of this, but perhaps I have been mistaken... perhaps it is the rage. I do not believe that I fear death any longer... but the pain... and the fear of the unknown... seem to be overbearing for me.
I am trying to stay focused in the "here and now" as Eckart Toole describes in his books, but it is very difficult when the now ~ is in pain.

I believe and feel that I am ready, to go. I have been feeling this way for quit some time ~ and although I know that many do not want to hear me speak this way; I want to let them know... that, it is good. It is good to not be afraid ~ of death or the end.


I wanted to post ~ because I am unsure what will be next and it just may look as though... a hopital visit may once again be calling.
Quick update: I've called the NIH ~ they said without bloodwork and urinalysis ~ they aren't sure what is wrong, the stint could very well be misplaced. I have been advised to take some more morphine and go to the hospital. I am waiting for my mother ~ and then I will go. Something just isn't right... the doc's at the NIH continue to tell me that I don't have to live with all this pain...
so, hopefully, it's off the good drugs! (lol... IV morphine ~ the best :) )
Anyway, if you don't hear from me, once again for a bit... you'll know why.
Be Well.
Becky

A post to the Mpip board/community

Posted by Becky at 01:28 on Mon, Oct 20, 2008 [Show other posts by Becky]

I posted this on the mpip site which I have frequented since my dx. It is a site mainly for melanoma patients at stage III/IV ~ however, many other's seek much of the advice. Those who are dx with skin cancer at stage I or II ~ are just as worried and distraught. The website and information saved my life. Although, I have only ever met several people from the board ~ the entire community is bond through great adversity.
I had thought, that perhaps I should share this aspect of my life as well. There is a link on the right side if anyone ever cares to take a peek. All are always welcome. It will help you gain more perspective and insight into the daily stridings we face. Melanoma is a different "beast" in and of itself.
Regardless, my post is heartfelt...
and I have been thinking more and more about how I can help. I've always liked the idea concept of a "retreat" ~ and perhaps this could be my calling. I would love to help other's in need ~ of finding themselves ~ while looking for inner peace.
It's been a journey... indeed.

Before you proceed further ~ I wanted to let you know, that Simone in England is not doing well. He has been told that he has a matter of days. Please, please take a few moments to show that you care and perhaps post a few thoughtful words. His link is to the right as well... easycancerjournal. It is hard to believe... as well, we will keep our thoughts and prayers focused on Gregeory of the mpip board. He is in the hospital and fighting the battle of his life. If you scroll down the posts, you will find an address to the hospital which he is staying at ~ they are throwing him a "card" party! if you could take the time to mail him a beautiful card, that would be greatly appreciated as well.

*******************************************************************************
In Reply to: Re: What does one do?... So many personal thoughts...long. Sorry. by Jim M. posted at 01:19 on Sun, Oct 19, 2008 (my thoughts in response to all the reply's which I recieved on the mpip board):

I feel sooo much better now. It has been a long time since I has disclosed much on this board ~ mainly since my family, friends, and relatives have been an eye with a view.

When I first found mpip~it saved my life...and continues to do so. It is an uplifting and in the same token, sad venue. However, it has nonetheless become my home away from home... to vent and discuss any and all personal issues and matters in relation to my life with melanoma.

I truly appreciate all the honesty and heartfelt stories. We have all been down very different roads and paths, yet, we all have a bond of commoradory.

I would like to let you know, my wonderful news... which has come as a blessing.

I have been informed that I may stay at a mobile home community park throughout the year. It is in a wonderful location ~ and I invite anyone needing or wanting to get away, to come visit.

I will continue to do my treatments at the NIH and come home to Ohio in between times. There truly are some wonderful people in this world.

This news has truly enlightened my spirits. I am more elated and overjoyed than ever. I now feel as though... I have a "greater" purpose/reason to fight harder and longer.

I know that many believe that you must first find peace... "inner"; and, I agree. I have always known from a young age, that I loved the sun and beach ~ that has never changed.

I had read a book about a year ago about taking a 1 year leave from your life... to live by the sea; it is called: a year by the sea. It had "me" written all over it! Perhaps I too, could eventually start a "spiritual" retreat for other's to come... and not just cancer patients... who are facing many obstacles and learning about themselves in the process.

You never know what life may bring. I do know, that God has granted me, my wish. I have always felt and known that he was present.

Recently, one of my older pained windows which are hard to replace broke... but, I am not upset, nor am I willing to fix it at the moment. It is in the perfect symetrical shape of dove. A dove, which signifies a great many things. One of which, is hope.

Ironically enough, the renters of the mobile home live on Hope street and in the city of Hope.

There have been so many uncanny coincidences that it is hard to believe otherwise... that there is truly someone watching over us.

Without a doubt ~ it is ultimatley up to us... in the power of: you to make change. To find your inner happiness and peace.

So, for now, I can only say "Thank YOU" and God-Bless.

Look for your strength in faith and believe in your will ~ will to live ~ for YOU can accomplish great things.

Peace,

Becky

I hope that everyone is having a good sunday afternoon ~ and your weekend is going well.
I wanted to briefly post to let you know ~ all is relatively well. I am having once again, an extreme abmount of pain in my right back. The morphine and nerve medicine is just slightly taking the edge off. I'm not sure what the cause.
I do have an apt. with the Dr. who put the stint in on Tues. I will be sure to ask alot of questions. It is very discomforting at times, to say the least.
In the meanwhile... I am having dreams about my cells growing in the multitude of mass. I have a good feeling that they are! Anxieties, though, continue to grow as well.
Just trying to "mentally" prepare myself for the road ahead. Part of me just wants to get it over with... and the other part... just doesn't even want it to begin.
I think that I'm starting to come around to the idea and concept of "wigs"... thanks to my recent change. It is kind of fun. To be able to be different. I know that hair doesn't make you who you are... or define your characteristic...
I have been learning from each and every experience throughout this experience with cancer.
What I have found, is that the generousity of human's is truly a wonderful blessing. It is inspirational and touching. It's uplifting and heartwarming.
I know that when many of us do things for other's... we do them simply out of the kindness and generousity of our hearts... we don't think about it... we just do it. We don't look ahead... at the possiblitity of the grandeur affects that it could have.
This is true kindness. Without a doubt.
You have the power ~ to simply touch a life ~ regardless if it is with words of wisdom or random acts of kindness. I often wish that I weren't on the recieving end ~ of cancer. I wish that I could be the caregiver. The one... giving. It always seemed so much easier..
I'm sure that "watching" ~ isn't the easiest ~ however, giving... of your heart ~ is.

Life Changes...

It goes without saying that today was a bit of an emotional road. I have quit a bit of things to accomplish before my chemo treatments. One on them is looking into getting myself a wig. So, I decided to stop by to see my hairstylist and ask her opinion... well, as you can see in the photo... she helped take it one step... further!
Wow. Wow. What a shock. I am no longer a blonde. I am a dark chocolate brown with a hint of glossy red. I'm not sure what to think... it's very different than what I am used to.
I had wanted to unifiy my hair color so that when the time came to cut it all off to send to locks of love ~ it would be a nice even shade.
I know that alot of changes are about to head my way... so, one one is just the start. I still need to decided on the color of my wig. So far, long blonde is in the lead... and I must say... I am still partial to this color. Although, change just may be in the future cards.
It also goes without saying... that today, I grieve for a loss. Not a loss of human nature. A loss of who and what I believed that I was... and/or who I became. The person that I identified myself with. The person that had worked so hard. Long and hard hours, days, months, and years to get to the position of my "career" status.
Today, that status's fate is sealed, in an envelope ready to go. An early retirment. Very early retirement at that. It's hard to let go. Hard to let go of a life that I once had. A life that I once began. A life that gave me identity. It gave me a greater sense of self and self accomplishment. It was ~ me.
Life changes... some are not ones that we really asked for or want. Who will I be? Who will I become? Who am I now? What do I identify myself with ~ in the here and now?
I am more than just a cancer patient ~ fighting a disease. I am more than an individual forced into early retirement because of ailment. I am more.
We all are ~ we just don't seem to know it ~ or know where we stand. Life changes are challenges.
So, for now ~ some changes, I can control. I changed my hair color and when I loose it all ~ I will change it again. Other things, I can not ~ loosing my job position, my hair, and the spread of my disease.
I can only do my best ~ to work with these challenges. To stay as focused and positive as I can. We all can ~ merely do our best. Nobody ever said that life was going to be easy. We take it for what it is ~ learn and grow ~ accept and face ~ that change is an important component that helps us get that much stronger in the end.
And, it's always nice to have bright shinning friends and faces by your side. I have to Thank Bob ~ with whom I work. He has gone out of his way numerous times to help me out throughout this process. He has stopped by the hospital just to say "hi" and taken me to the store just to get milk. All in all... in the end ~ it is these very kind gestures in humanity that bring about the best of change.
As he would say "you are the x and I am the o"
take care ~ all my friends
xo
PS It's not my time ~ I'm not going ~ Listen to the words in the video. Music has always helped me convey a greater sense of self; feelings and thought.

~Till death~

My daughter just came home from school and gave this to me to read:




~Till death~
By: Jennifer Sick


She closed her eyes and had a dream
God was there with a bright glowing beam
he said to her "your time has come and gone"
be not afraid
your soul is not lost
for you are in heaven
she looked around
and what did she see
loved ones thats where once lost
well how can that be?
what God has said
must be true
Theres no pain, no fear
not even a tear

She looked down and what did she see?
her family and friends crying sadly
She turned to God and said,
"why are they crying
so sad and so dim"

Its cause they lost a loved one
so pure and so beautiful
they lost their daughter and even their mother...

She tryed to cry out
and tell them shes ok
but they did not hear
so she fell to her knees
and began to pray
"Oh God please protect them"
"let my daughter know that I will always be there"
"i will guide her"
"lover her and always protect her"

God did just as she asked,
and the family moved on
but still thing of her
again and again...

This is dedicated to my mother...
I love you...

The Great Unknown

Once again, it's very late and I am unable to sleep. Although, I am extremely tired, I am unable to fall into that peaceful slumber. I am now beginning to have some pain on my left side, opposite side of the stint placement, which is similiar to that which I started to feel several weeks ago ~ which started this mess. I am getting a bit concerened. I will try to keep worry and doubt out of the equation for now.
I had tried to ween myself off the harsh meds. I believe that combination of the anethesia and morphine are causing some severe nightmares and related depression issues. This same thing happened after my last surgery at the NIH, at which time I too had been pumped to the max with both drugs.
I honestly do not like the medicine makes me feel ~ I never have, that is why I prefer to do my best without it; mind over matter. I do tend to agree now... that at times, it is absolutely necessary. I never thought that I would hear myself say that.
My mind is so damn foggy ~ and unclear while on these meds. My thoughts are random, implusive, and often times, continually ongoing. It is enough to drive one mad. I'd imagine that this may be the reason that I am up at this very moment journaling my rambling midnight thoughts.
I have went from researching Nostradamos's ideas and concepts of the end of the world to researching related to the number 7 to bible versus. Several of the quotes which started all of this were: "the end of the world begins the year that the great seventh number is accomplished" to "forgive til 7 times...never to become weary of forgiving...7 times 7...or 70 times 70...{and} your respect for others will be your ticket to success".
My quest and thirst for knowledge has always enlightened and entertained me. My mind travels from thought to thought... without end. I often wonder where it will lead me? And speaking of this... the great unknown...the future...and what is in store: I had began to write down some of my thoughts at various times throughout the year ~ thoughts that I had hoped to work into a book.
My sister has suggested that I try to channel my time on something that I like and enjoy ~ and although wrighting is one of those things, she is very correct ~ you have to be in the right mind frame.
So, I think that for now; before all is lost and forgotten, I may just post what I have. I had printed it out and changed/edited much of it ~ unfortunately, that version has yet to be typed. I am sure, that without a doubt, at some point in time, I will finish one of great unknown's. Until then, I will leave you with my jumbled files of jibberish to read at your leisure ~ I am just going to copy and paste ~ and not bother to re-read... for I fear I may not disclose such a part of myself otherwise.
(this was written throughout many personal issues ~ it is my part of many thoughts ~ which is often times on of my greatest problems ~ the inability to focus)

The Great Unknown
written by Rebecca Luker

An Inspirational Journey:
Your plight for Life through
Cancer's Cure

Displaced and Distant

Cancer; healing You
A peariless journey

Healing You; Cancer, A Peariless Journey

helping yourself heal and deal with your cancer
healing yourself
killing the mental disease
taking control of your life's disease
taking control of your disease's life

the beloved caregiver: cause and effect;
emotional wreck

the heartfelt failings and strides,
a journey tried

Allow this to be your awakening.

.
..
...


leave it to me... to save the file on an unliscensed product which has expired! I have printed it out ~ and will type this version tommorrow time permitted.

Sorry for any inconvience!

PS ~ the meds are starting to kick in... getting very sleepy... finally.

Have a Great Day Friends. Nite.

"there is something askew for me and you; Nostrodamus exclaimed and I proclaim, forgive one another, put dust under the cover" R. Luker

"How much of human life is lost in waiting?"

An Arsenol of Med's...

Welcome Back! Home Sweet Home

It has been a very long ~ several weeks. In and out of hospital's and hospital beds; eating such wonderful hospital food :) and barely sleeping (thanks to the wide array of Dr.s and nurse's flooding and bombarding your room) ~ a joy, in and of itself. In case you haven't gotten to experience such wonder's; let me explain: It usually begins between the hours of 4-5: a nurse comes to wake you up and take your blood for the Dr.'s early rounds, then another comes to slightly after that, usually after you've once again fallen back to sleep, to take your pulse, temperature, listen to your vitals/etc..your assesment. You then try to once again... get more sleep... but low and behold... 7 comes soon. Time to be up and ready... get your shower in if you can... because it's time to eat breakfast... and wait for the round of Doc's to discuss the onward plan. Then, basically, the day is planned accordingly: either to treatments/med's/surgeries/discussions with social worker's or counselors/in and out nurser's/visitor's/other patients that pass by in the hall/phone calls/room cleaners/hall monitors (lol...) Yes. you do get in trouble for leaving the floor if you weren't "permitted"!!! and the list goes on and on... go ahead... try to sleep, if you dare. Try to slip away into the room bathroom or one down the hall for some privacy... they will find you... (lol...) I've got to laugh... in all honesty.. because let me tell you... it's no picnic. Sure, sure... unlimited lounge time and no need to worry about making dinner ~ such great perks... what a trade-off indeed. If any of you have ever been in the hospital... you know the scenario well.
I had felt soooo terribly bad for my roomate who was doing her chemo dosing one night... so was tired and simply wanted to sleep... she was in peaceful slumber... when the nurses kept awakening her for pokes and prodes. I had flashbacks without a doubt. At times, it was nice to have a roomate to keep me company, and at times, it honestly wasn't... she was dosing with chemo... which brought back some bad memories of my Il-2 treatments and some anxities about my upcoming chemo treatments. Regardless, she was wonderful and delighful and handled her situation well ~ with grace and ease ~ considering the alternative. It seems to be the consensus amoungst cancer patients. What choice, do we really have? High toxitity or the ultimate inevitable ~ death?
Rambling again, am I? I have sooo much to say... (but, then again... when don't I?)
Perhaps I should update everyone before I continue on with my bouts!
As far as surgery was concerned: wonderful. This time, Thanks to the lovely and extraordinarily comforting and accomodating anesthisiologist ~ I did not get sick. I slept the entire day away... but, did not get sick. Always a bonus. She even stopped by my room the day after to see how I was feeling. That was the first time that an anestheologist took the time... to care. To show concern. It really was wonderful of her. She had a great bedside manner ~ joking with me... all the way to "lights out".
As for the surgeon, who was my previous "fellow" and Dr. ~ he "inscribed" his initials on my right leg... and gloriously preformed his task. He is Doc with a knack. Dr. Davis most definately loves his job! (which, is good for me :) ) He took out the tumor and sent it's "freshness" to the lab. So ~ let's hope that these cells mulitply in mass!!!
As for my recent tumors; the one's which were taken out from the last surgery and frozen... well... let's just say... that something "fishy" is going on... around the NIH. My Doc's mentioned that it was very "rare", when cells don't grow from the frozen ones. (very rare... denoted... with glances/stares which were undoubtably suggestive of foul play) ~ and the anesthesiologist comment: "let's hope that we don't have anymore freezer malfunctions"... only adds fuel to the fire.
So, assuming ~ foul play ~ was at hand ~ perhaps, it was not the fault of my previous tumor ~ to grow. I should have a great shot ~ this time! Keep those fingers crossed. Grow...grow...grow...
I'm still... very anxious~ and my anxieties continue to grow ~ with each passing day. I have never been so afraid of anything... in my life. The TIl treatment frightens me. I have heard and seen too many bad stories. Good one's too... of course. But, anyway: my discharge papers state: discharge diet: "high calorie, high protein" ~ you are underweight, so it is important that you include foods that have protein, fat, and carbohydrates, to keep you healthy and strong. Eat at least 1-2 slushies/milkshakes per day."
The goal is simple: gain weight. Eat. Eat. Eat!!!
If you have any suggestions on high calorie foods/diets/intake... they would be greatly appreciated. So far... I have been told that McDonalds milkshakes and hagaan das ice-cream are high in calorie content. I will so be off to the market... to whisp in the cart.. every imaginable high calorie food... just need to do my homework and prepare my list.
As for the ct scans... almost forget. What a great s.i.g.h... of relief. The tumor has not grown to such a dimension. It has grown... but... it is still relatively in the 3-4 cm area. It was lying on a muscle and around the lymphatic fluid pockets in the area ~ which made it look like such a great wall of mass. Very comforting to know indeed... basically, it means... that my disease has not taken on an aggressive nature... not nearly as aggressive or severe as thought. It is... still there... and pushing against many things... but, the stint is in... which has greatly alleviated the pain... and helped. I was very lucky. I did not got go into kidney failure. Although the stint is extremely discomforting... and makes me pee about a fifty times a day... it is doing it's job. Keeping me safe from harms way.
I do, often wonder what is next? What other organ can be and or will be affected... but... like my roomate would say: "one day at a day, one day at a time".
As for visitor's: Julie, I am so sorry that I missed you. My roomate said that you stopped by. Thank you so much for the lovely smelling candle ~ pumpkin spice. It brings about great delightful memories of Thanksgiving Harvest. Thank you soo much :) and Amy... you are a doll. To take your time to drive 2 hours out of your way... Thank You. It meant alot. I'm truly glad that we met. I promise to keep in touch. To everyone else: Thank you as well... for the continued thoughts and prayers... it keeps me going. I miss journaling my thoughts and recieving your correspondses. Greg ~ I have thought of you the most. I often don't know... what to say. I am at a loss for words. I can't even begin to imagine what you went through as a loving caregiver. I hope that get have a difficult time ~ with all of this. I often worry that it may bring back sad thoughts ~ it's a sensitive issue. I will be sure to e-mail very soon. I am still looking forward to those cups of tea!
Ok ~ oh... so ~ I was informed, that you can not participate in this trial ~ the TIL treatment without having a caregiver by your side. I know that my mom has offered... but, I am sure... that it would be greatly appreciated if she could often "take a break" ~ this really isn't any eaiser for her than I. So, I would greatly appreciated any/all to help ~ in any way. I am giving notice. I will find out in about 2 weeks if the cells are growing... if so... I will start the treatment in about 4 weeks or so...
Anyone willing... or who may be able to help out... all is welcome. Food for my mom while she stays at the lodge... babysitter for my daughter... anyone to help me... while going through treatments... (but, please do be reminded... it may be difficult... to see... watch... I may be very ill... and you will not be permitted to come in if you are ill yourself... I may be very malaise, unaware of your immediate presence, irritable, tired, sleepy, vomitting, nauseated, etc... etc...) enter the room... at your own risk!!! LOL.
Ok ~ to continue on...
yes, yes... so much to say....
I am looking into wigs. Yes, a wig. My roomate put one on~ and did she ever look sooo cute. Because of financial purposes... I believe I may only be able to get one... so I have posted some photo's of what I like... and will leave a poll for all of you... it should be fun! :) Can't wait to get the results! You are always welcome to find/add new one's! by the way... the arsenol of med's in the photo above... is just bit a glimpse of what they wanted to send me home with. I refused alot. I had ran across another woman's blogsite... cancerspot.org and she too had posted a photo of her med's... just to get her through... it was undaunting... when I actually saw it. Crazy. I joke and digress... I am starting a small pharmaceutical company!
Ok ~ gotta' run... got sooo much to do this... plus get caught up with much needed sleep. So much more to say... but for now ~ welcome back to my world.

P.S. this is breat cancer month... Awareness.

Awareness for all cancer's as far as I am concerned. Get checked and be informed.
The statistic's are high... and growing... by the year 2050 it is expected that HALF of all American's will be dx with cancer. Pretty staggering figure's. That's 1-2. Wake-Up America. Let's learn to save lives and prevent cancer.

PS.. let's keep Simone, from England...at www.cancerblog.easyjournal.com in our hearts and prayers. Please take the time to read his blog and send him a personal message via the link on the right ~ Thank YOU.

I love you All.
Take-Care

Surgery... again...

I just briefly heard from the NIH, I am to fly to Bethesda tommorrow. Yes ~ tommorrow. Wednsday October 8 to be admitted to the NIH on 3NW. My surgery is scheduled for Friday October 10 and my return date is Sunday October 12.
A whirlwind ~ indeed; but, it is without a doubt necessary. There is no time to spare.
They are going to remove the "surface" tumor that is in my groin ~ to see if these "fresh" cells will work ~ to grow for the TIL. As for the 9 x 4 cm tumor in my pelvis (which, my "fellow" at the NIH has informed me... they do not believe...has/is grown that much) I will be having more scans done ~ for their confirmation. Other than that...
this is where it all stands...
basically, in a nut shell...
they will take the tumor from the groin ~ use the cells to try and grow for the TIL ~ if they grow... it will be about 3 weeks or so before treatment can start ~ regardless if they grow or not... they are going to discuss with me... pallatative care.
Pallatative Care. To help alleviate the pain associated with the tumor. Tumor growth and any/all other problems related to the tumor.
I can only hope and pray that this tumor either stops growing or stabalizes... I can also only hope that my cells will do their job... and grow for the TIL... and I can also only hope that the TIL will work, if administered.
I'm not sure, what else is left... but, I will leave that in the hands of God.

If you do not once again hear from me... it is because I am busy at the hospital... taking tests, scans, bloodwork, etc... or in surgery or re-cooping from yet, another surgery.

As always, messages are more than welcome. My mother will be with me and staying at the lodge (which is in the photo above) ~ she will have her cell phone: 330-206-7662 I will as well have mine ~ feel free to leave a message if I don't answer. Please forgive me if I don't get back to you promptly.
Julie ~ I hope to finally meet up with you! And, anyone else, who may be at the NIH during these dates!!! Come look for me on 3NW, just ask for Rebecca Luker :)

Bless you All.
I send my Love,
Becky

My Sister...

Good Morning All!

Hello :)

~I wanted to post a photo of my sister & I~ this one was taken several months back. I thought, that perhaps, that it may be nice for many of you to be able to put a name with a face. ( I do believe that my mother is in the background of this pic as well)

I can't imagine that this has become any easier for my family. My sister gladly offered to post on this site as well as the mpip site. I know, that this may all ~ be very difficult ~ to try and put into words ~ to make shape or form ~ of ~ not only for herself ~ but other's as well.

However, it was the thought and effort ~ which touched me the most. This "blogging journal" ~ has become my forum for discussion and thought ~ which ~ has, at times, become an inavaluable resource for healing.

Regardless ~ My love and support for family at this time ~ are to be praised. My sister drove two hours with her daughter's to come help me ~ and, my mother; was by my side the entire time. And yes, I know, I am not the greatest of all patients~ (lol...) (a families inside joke ~ I'd imagine you would have to know me, quit well, to truly understand!!! ~ because I am unable to swallow pills ~ I must ask for either liquid prescriptions or crushed pills in applesauce or pudding ~ I, as well, am not much of one for medications ~ so, it takes my mom... a whole lotta convincing before I will even begin to think about shoving med's down my throat! ~ plus, I'd imagine ~ I'm very cautious ~ I want and need to know about the details of all procedures ~ including side effects, etc... I could go on... and on... but, let's save the fun stuff for my fam!)

What fun would life be ~ if we truly couldn't laugh at our ownselves?
That's all right ~ We are all different ~ in our very own special way :)

So, enough, enough, all ready... yes, it's late, and I'm once again up. I took a bit of a nap when I got home earlier today. I am (overall) feeling quit well. OOOOhhh sooooo much better than last week. Now, that was a total nightmare! Who would ever have imagined that such an obstruction to the kidney could cause such freakish pain? Although, the incident in the er that evening came relatively close ~ they tried six times to get an IV placed & failed ~ blowing out two of my veins in the process. But, that's ok ~ it took my mind off the back pain for awhile!
As many of you may be aware, the er took a ct scan ~ which revealed that the tumor mass in my pelvis was pushing against the ureta ~ which was causing the blockage of the flow from the kidney to the bladder. Of greater importance in the ct scan findings is the overwhelming and sudden growth factor of this tumor. It has been measured at 9 cm X 4 cm. Within less than two weeks it has grown a substantial amount ~ causing much alarm.
My oncologist at home ~ to say the least ~ has been a blessing in disguise. She is very concerened and determined as well, to try and help. Basically, she believes that this has become a "time-sensitive" issue ~ and that a course of treatment/plan, needs to be in place ~ NOW.
After many phone calls to the NIH ~ she has gotten in contact with those whom, she beleives may be able to help "expedite" the process. Unfortunately, it has been mentined that in leu of recent events ~ and with the placement of this stint in my ureta ~ (which is now considered a foreign body) ~ I may be ineligible for the TIL treatment. None the less... this treatment takes anywhere from 4-6 weeks to process ~ time, which, I do not have. So, it is in the hands of the NIH at this point. They have suggested IL-7 as an option.
Monday is the big day at the NIH when all the doctor's meet to evaluate all cases ~ and I do believe that I will be of priority. There is not much time to spare ~

So, naturally, yes; I have been taken aback by this news. Wow. It is extremely hard for me to internalize and intake. I have a mass ~ a soft foreign body ~ within my body ~ which has tripled in sized within less than two weeks time. It is overwhelming. This disease. It is unpredictable, unstable, ruthless, and reckless.
I have, over the course of the past two years become very familiar with this deadly disease ~ or, as it is referred to as: "the beast". I have read many heartwarming and touching stories of the struggles and battles that patients and families have endured along their path in life with this disease. I have grown to respect human ~ and human nature ~ by far ~ now, more than ever in my lifetime.
It goes without saying ~ that the power does lie, within oursleves. Just knowing, that I had such a wonderful support from family & friends ~ makes such a grave difference in the healing process ~ and yes ~ from each and every one of YOU ~ my reader's ~ just knowing, that you are keeping up with my daily life, endeavors, trials and tribulations ... shows too.... that you care ~ compassion is abound.

That is what life is about.

So, in the meantime ~ while we continue to wait to hear from the NIH ~ your thoughts and prayers mean the world to our family at this time, in our life. It is a new experience ~ life experience to us all. I know, that it most definately, can not be easy for my loved one's to sit an watch me "suffer"; in pain. But, it is part of the process. It is part of the the irrevocable truth. The truth that I have decided to share.
There is no way or reason to sugar or candy coat that which is ~
I've been thinking alot about how I have been feeling over the course of the past two years or so ~ off and on ~ sick, and then, not. The rollercoaster ride, which I have been on. The bad times, eventually, make way to good and the good ~ help me appreciate that time, all that much more.
I am ~ feeling absolutely better now. The back pain is all but void. Such a wonderful relief, without a doubt. Who would ever have thought that a simple placement of a stint could help alleviate all the pain and unnecceassry suffering?

The next step ~ is not going to be the easiest either. I'd imagine that I can bet, that I will be on a plane to Bethesda by week's end or soon thereafter. I am hoping so, because, at this point, as my onc has mentioned: "I am at their mercy". There is not much more, that can be done. I have faith and belief that they are working to find a solution; one which apply's to my current situation and on my behalf.
I have many thoughts, in regards to many issues. I have been made aware ~ that if the tumor growth persists at such a rate ~ and there are no real treatment options availible ~ pallatative care ~ is availible. For many, who are unaware of this term/phrase... it is just, merely, a nice way... of saying... that because there may be no further treatment options... the tumors can be managed... with pain relief/killers... so that a cancer patient may at least try to enjoy their time ~ free of pain.
The mass, which has grown, yes... I can "feel" it. I have been asked that and it's not so much, that the tumor actually causes the pain ~ it is what the tumor does... which causes the pain. Whether it is pushing against nerves or other internal body organs or the like. There is some pain associated with my tumors at times ~ but, overwall... it has been the internal destruction which has been most compromising.

I am sure, that I could continue to go on and on tonight ~ I once again have alot on my mind and in lieu of recent events... I am once again left to re-evalutate my life and life's choices.
It's not been easy... for my family to hear me think this way... or speak this way. But, as I continue to re-iterate and say... I will not allow myself or body to be a complete "guinee pig" for medical purposes. There will come a point... in time... when I will most definately say... that I would prefer pallatative care... so, that I may life out my life... one, left, for peace.

God Bless you all.
I will, as always keep you informed ~ and keep you in thought.
I send my love to all.
Becky

After surgery update on Becky

Becky just came out of surgery a couple hours ago; she is still very sleepy, as the drugs have not worn of yet. Now we are waiting to see how she feels. I am sure it will take a few days of recovery before we know if this has taken the pressure off her tumor. Next we will have to see if NIH will still accept her in the TIL trial as they would prefer her not to have a foreign object in her body. The chance of infections is much greater since the TIL entails wiping out her immune system.

Update from Becky's sister

Hello, my name is Cathy I am Becky's sister. I know many of our family and friends visit my sister’s blog for updates. While I am not much of a writer and am certainly not as poetic as my sister I will try to do my best to keep you all up to date on her condition.

Becky is at Aultman hospital right now while receiving pain management through morphine and nausea medicine. The tumor in her pelvis has grown substantially in the last 3 weeks from not quite 2 cm to 9 x 4 cm. The tumor is pressing on her right kidney and causing quite a bit of pain. We think the Doctors will be putting in a stint tomorrow to avoid kidney failure, but we are not sure if this will relive any of the excruciating pain she has been it. The doctors believe the pain is from the size of the tumor pressing on the kidney. If you would like to send any personal e-mails or questions you can send them to our mother at keyserbood@yahoo.com.

God bless you all!

no worries... and Thank YOU.

I briefly wanted to let everyone know ~ I took the morphine last night ~ started off slow... the good news ~ it really helped elivate the tumor pain ~ bad news.. back pain was "dulled". I didn't get much sleep ~ afterall. Early a.m. I decided to up the dosage... thank goodness. It knocked me out for several hours ~ some well needed sleep. It has helped numb me quit a bit ~ however, the pain is still there. I have been advised to go to the ER ~
I am soooo tired and just want to sleep ~ but, I know... I can't keep this up. So, support is on the way... and I will be off to Aultman Hospital's ER. Let's hope that they can get this figured out ~
If you don't hear from me for a bit ~ you will know where I am at. Thank you ALL for your continued thoughts and prayers ~ they are greatly appreciated.